Partner going away with attractive 22 year old girl. Is it a bit weird or am I just being jealous/insecure.

[cheeseandhamtoastie42]

Just that really! For context he’s 43, and self employed so it’s a work trip that he’s organised himself. It’s long haul and they will be away for a few weeks. She works for him at his house everyday mon-Fri, they are set up in his dining room. Desks next to eachother. We don’t live together.

The whole thing is making me feel a bit weird but I’m not sure why! I know if I try to talk to him about it it will just go round in circles and will just result in me feeling like a terrible person/jealous insecure girlfriend. He sees the trip as essential to the business, I don’t want to be accused of being unsupportive as I do support him massively.

just wondered how others would potentially feel about this situation? Am I being an absolute areshole girlfriend?

Took years to realise that being single was her biggest worry in life. Her voice in my head made it my worry too. Led to some bad decisions but eventually all has come right. Ironically by focusing on everything other than a relationship. Sending support 💐

You need to look at it from her side, why would a good looking 22year old be interested in you BF? Is he really that amazing at 43 he could pull her? My husband is 43 and he’s living in a dream world if he thinks he could attract 22year olds😂 would your 43year old husband be interested her in, she’d have nothing in common with him. If you feel anxious you’re going to have to say something but you might want to put everything into perspective first.

I don't normally comment on these types of threads, but, wake up girl.
The guy is a fantasist, he's a failed businessman pretending to be a successful businessman. I shudder to think what he gets up to on his faux 'business' trips. Adding a glamorous young PA to his fantasy life is beyond ick.

He's probably up to his neck in debt, the whole thing is a relationship disaster waiting to happen.
End the relationship now, otherwise you'll be burdened with helping to dig him out of the inevitable self inflicted hole.

IME, this is v true.

Important to remember the context that societal expectations of women have shifted significantly in the past few generations.

As a PP alluded to, women had to marry (and often tolerate abusive or unacceptable behaviour) for financial security, due to lack of decent employment/childcare options. And because it was socially unacceptable to be a ‘spinster’ and divorce was impossible/difficult and shameful. Women who wouldn’t tolerate men’s shitty behaviour and preferred to go it alone (especially as mothers) were seen as odd for bucking the patriarchy.

Many a woman has found the strength and confidence to no longer tolerate poor behaviour from men, having observed her daughter successfully do so.

Work trips with colleagues nope wouldn't be bothered but from reading your posts the problem is far bigger then a "work trip".

He's a walking red flag on multiple aspects grand gestures don't matter if he's a tosspot and gaslights. Maybe this is your opportunity for those rose tinted specs to go in the bin and focus on you.

There are also decent 40ish single guys out there (I'm friends with a few who are either single because ex wives cheated or sadly widowers) but appreciate it takes a lot of sorting through the rubbish ones to find the decent ones and they aren't out as much as co-parent or ft dads.

Must be a ringer looks like building a funny business. She's probably going to be used as bait to lure others in

If it's so unlikely why is the tale of middleaged man and young secretary so common?

Of course in a social situation she'd have no interest, but where he's the boss, with an imbalance of power, where he can give her foreign travel and pay her to go, where he can sack her or promote her, of course it's set up for him to exploit her or for her to use her talents to get what she wants from him.

Many red flags. Why are you putting up with it?

He sounds like a loser. Running a hobby business with no future to fund unnecessary jollies. I also agree with pp re the 22yo, id advise my daughter not to go. He lies and gaslights you and has double standards. What do you see in him?

How long have you been with this prince, @cheeseandhamtoastie42 ?

You sound warm in your posts, but your Mum saying single is a failure has really done a number on you. Kindly, I’d focus on therapy for myself to bring up my sense of worth - and please make sure this bloke hasn’t secretly accessed any assets or anything, I think the whole thing sounds terrible.

You say in your posts he is not honest and is one for grand gestures and has double standards. That description would make most of run for the hills - never mind the situation with this ‘new employee’ - and if he likes travel so much why aren’t the pair of you going away? Please dump him.

wow way to drip feed. Why do you stay?

Web design? He's taking the piss. Web design is the most online job ever. He doesn't have an office because he and his colleague don't physically need to be in the same place to do their job. And yet they are. In her house. Ri-i-i-ight.

I don’t trust him tbh he’s lied and gaslit a lot in the past, especially about trips. He’s secretive about his life and withholds a lot of information.

Youre right, at 22 she is just a girl and ripe to have her head turned by her older boss who takes her on a three week jolly abroad on expenses. And who either tells her he doesn't have a dp or that you don't understand him and that you're just like all his exes but she of course is different.

You don't trust him and yet you haven't dumped him. You're a decade or two more mature than his employee and by now you know get what you settle for. You've settled for a bloke you don't trust who tells lies and has double standards and compartmentalises and has left behind a string of fucked up relationships. And you know all this and you haven't got rid?

Just my mum really. She sees being single as being a failure.

Fine, so your mother can go out with this loser. You don't have to.

If your adult self still can't overrule your mother's influence then you should invest your time and money in therapy. Not waste you life trying to follow your mother's messed-up rules.

This is hugely important context. So it could be a one week trip, but he's doing a lot of touristy stuff.

At this point I'd be annoyed even if it wasn't with an attractive younger woman. This is just taking a holiday, and making an employee go with you? Mad behaviour.

Hi OP

Have you had any therapy? I don’t mean six sessions of CBT I mean relationsal therapy that looks into your past history and all the beliefs you have unconsciously developed about yourself (e.g. other people’s opinions are worth more than your own, you don’t deserve a good person in your life, any man is better than no man, if things go wrong it’s your fault etc.).

I say longer term because even if you heard those beliefs it’s hard to change them overnight. You really have to explore the behaviour of others that led you to have those beliefs; how it manifests in your everyday encounters with others; who you have been told you are by others and have believed yourself to be; and, who you really are and how you want your life to be. That can take a couple of years to work on and start to put into practice. Because it’s hard not to default to past patterns of behaviour and because there is often a lot of guilt and shame in accepting how things were.

It might sound a massive investment but it will transform you in ways you won’t even imagine now. However, if you do go down this path make sure the therapist knows what they’re doing, so see a few before deciding. Make sure they can explain how familial dynamics lead to ingrained behaviours and how to come out from under this. Also make sure that the therapist understands boundaries and doesn’t play the ‘expert’ in your life, which will compound your feelings of not being good enough.

You deserve so much better. I had a mother like yours and one of the worse things she did was encourage me to put up with dysfunctional relationships.

This is why he acts like he does, trying to make up for what’s in his trousers 🤣

Then why are you with him?

Indeed it sounds like a jolly. The business "isn't doing well", so he's wasting money on trips, not to promote his business but to have a holiday under the guise of a work trip. Web design? He could probably promote his business from his dining room. Trust you gut on this one. He's already lied and gaslit, give it up. Where have all the other trips been to? Curious to see if they also happen to be other luxury holiday destinations.....

Have you met her? Are you sure she’s 22? Maybe you are the other woman?

He sounds like a red flag yes.
i wouldnt continue the relationship with him, its clearly eating you inside.

the fact that he has been honest about the 22 year old, i imagine is to throw you off.
He will probably take any opportunity he can to get this woman into bed. This is really odd. The people who do this kind of thing are looking for affairs. 100%. I dont know any man who wouldnt try it on knowing a woman is 20years younger!!!

He is gaslighting you.

Is anyone else concerned for the 22 year old?

Oh. That would actually make much more sense, even if she is 22.

I understand your boyfriend wanting to market his business. However, if the business isn't doing very well, surely it's not financially viable for 2 people to be going on a long-haul trip for 3 weeks?! If your boyfriend is wasting money like this, then it's not surprising his business isn't doing well!!

I'd have to question why it's necessary for this woman to even go on the trip. Is she a business partner or an employee?! I'm not saying your boyfriend isn't marketing his business whilst he's visiting this long-haul destination, but a good proportion of it will be for pleasure.

I would be very wary of your boyfriends motivations for insisting his 22 year old employee, is vital on his business trip!

Of course she's younger and attractive. It's never ever 50 year old Mandy muffin top is it? Tale as old as time.

I would be but there's nothing we can do about her. If she was here we could also tell her to run for the hills but she's not. If she even exists, as pp have pointed out, it's only the OP who's here and asking for help.

OP there are a lot of red flags here and you don't need proof of anything to end it with him - you sound lovely and deserve better regardless of whether this trip is all above board or not.

But, out of interest, and I could be going off on a tangent that isn't relevant, but which country/countries does he tend to travel to when he goes on these business trips? Especially when he's been on his own before?