I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

I think OP has overstepped the mark: "He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it" - ie listening to complaints about the guy's wife and helping him work through it ...

I said it sounded annoying as you’re imagining these partnered guys are going to be your friends for evening hanging out and confiding like two single guys might be. Truth is non single guys are (rightly) usually saving those things for their partner. But I agree with everyone else about ‘Pete’. I doubt his wife is jealous per se and has probably just asked him to stop playing along with the single guy routine.

The fact that one of the men “confided” in you about the problems in his relationship (that were created by your friendship!) and that you then tried to “help” him through these problems is extremely weird.

You are portraying these friendships as totally casual and appropriate but some of the details you’ve posted tell another story.

If not one but both partners of these men are uncomfortable with it, it should tell you that maybe it is too much.

I think if these men put as much time and energy into their relationships as they do with the hobby and going for drinks with you, their partners probably wouldn’t feel so jealous.

🤣

And neither have they in deciding to prioritise their wives and families over a random woman they share a hobby with now and again.

Why? Because it's the year 1938 all of a sudden? That's sexist nonsense. She can be friends with men if she wants. And she can have sex with them too if she wants. Every single one of them. *If they're single.

However, I will add here that any of the men who have partners, do need to be kept at arm's length regards socialising. Sorry, but that's not sexism, it's just instinct and survival. And I wonder how you'd feel if this were reversed. Would you be happy with your partner going to the pub with another (single) woman? Even if someone else were present?

It isn't one or the other. You can socialise with the men who have partners during your hobby. And you can develop friendships with women and go to the pub with them. And when you have a partner yourself, you can socialise with men in groups, all together. This isn't sexism, it's being realistic. Men and women (hetero) are more likely to develop feelings for each other or fancy each other so proximity while not already with a partner yourself is bound to trigger their girlfriends. And it's normal for it to.

And how is that the OP's issue? All she knows is that two of her mates have dropped her because of their DP's insecurities.

You can socialise with the men who have partners during your hobby. And you can develop friendships with women and go to the pub with them. And when you have a partner yourself, you can socialise with men in groups, all together. This isn't sexism, it's being realistic.

Bollocks is it "[not] sexism". You have put the responsibility of a man's marriage on a woman who happens to be his mate. Not on him. It couldnt be more sexist!

Just because someone is insecure doesnt mean I should change my behaviour. I have friends of both sexes. One of my closest friends is a man, our friendship came about through a shared hobby and predates, by several years, his relationship. I will not change my behaviour towards him if his GF doesnt like it. That his issue to deal with, not mine. What he he tells me about is what he chooses to share. Our meet ups are between us, and what he tells her about them is up to him. We both know that there is nothing romantic between us.

As it is, she isnt a pathetically insecure woman who wishes the rest of womanhood didnt "tempt" her man, so she and I get on very well. Shame that there are not more like her about!

I work in a male dominated field and am social with some of my colleagues . I always make extra effort to be friendly with partners /wives because I want to avoid exactly this sort of thing. Have become better friends now with some colleagues wives than my colleagues! Which is a bonus

I think she means she met him at the hobby but he no longer gives her lifts home. That's how I read it x

One person having trouble with their partner because she feels uncomfortable about your friendship might be a “her” thing.

Two partners having trouble with it suggests you might be having an unreasonable number of pub sessions with these guys.

Or perhaps you are one of those very pretty women who pretends to have no idea why men are so keen to be buddy-buddy with her, or why their partners look a little askance at the friendship.

Why is it her problem that these men go to the pub at the same time as her? She isnt responsible for their decisions.

And as for your second suggestion, well that says far more about you and your insecurities than it does about @Appalonia

This is often just part of adult life.

Some of your comments seem quite immature also

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

Of course it would be mainly behind your back, the girlfriends are not going to start a group chat with you.

He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before.

A lot of the time the men who complain about this have absolutely no issue with telling their partners they wouldn't want them to be close to men, they just have double standards.

I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

And she'd be pissed off with you too if she knew you were trying to help him 'work through it'. You don't know the ins and outs of their relationship.

There was never any straight men at my classes, just the occasional gay man.

And it may not be PC to say it but I think if any straight men go then their wives/girlfriends can assume that no women from the classes would be interested in them!

I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it,

This is what emotional affairs are all about between work ‘friends’ that MN threads are saturated with - ‘my wife/partner/gf doesn’t understand me’ etc. There’s a current one where he claims he’s discussed his wife’s gynaecological problems with her! You can forgive his partner for being suspicious or at the very least uncomfortable.

but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

She doesn’t know that. What is she, a mind reader? She’s suspicious there may be something going on or about to between her partner and a newly acquired single female friend who he not only spends time with during his hobby but also in the pub with afterwards…who also invites him to events outside of the hobby…. Can you really blame her for being insecure? Why shouldn’t she join you after the hobby in the pub? You sound pretty jealous yourself and it’s selfish that you’re annoyed his relationship is inconveniencing your new friendship with him. Fair enough if you’d been friends for years before they got together. You haven’t.

You then go on to say how the two couples who presumably knew each other before have been out (once? several times? Who cares) without you and now YOU’RE feeling jealous and left out. How do you think the other women feel when you’re out regularly with their partners both in and out of the hobby?

You seem to have a severe lack of self awareness.

If they’re married and going to the pub afterwards is hanging out, she is hanging out with married men

I’m a little surprised at the jealousy given that it’s a group pub visit, it’s not like you’re going every week with just one of the men. It would have been a good move for the men to have invited their spouses to the pub each time too, but too late now.

It’s disappointing that they went out without you and you’re being deprived of post-hobby socialising. Sorry, OP. But if their wives aren’t happy, there’s nothing you can do. The guys aren’t going to upset their wives over a casual friendship.

Are there other people at the hobby who you could get together with afterwards?

Ugh so much crap on this thread. The wives/girlfriends are making this a problem about OP, it's not. Either they trust their partners, or they don't. If they don't, either there is a problem in the relationship, or a problem in their head. Either way, it is a problem that is not OPs to sort, and should not be put on OP.

Women can and do engage in controlling, abusive behaviour. It is less likely to result in men dying, but restricting the friendships or movement of another adult requires a very high bar--health, wellbeing, that sort of thing. This isn't that. If a man is going to cheat, he will cheat anyway. If not, putting these restrictions in place increases unhealthy social divisions between men and women, and is bad for both the friends.

I say this as someone whose husband has women friends, and who has men friends.

There are many circs where I’d agree, but this is a group pub visit? And it sounds like the wives can come if they want.

She is going for a drink, after the group meeting, with some of the other participants who happen to be men that are married.

You make it sound like she is actively seeking out socialising with married men, which says more about you than OP.

@PyongyangKipperbang - you are fond of saying "that says more about you than the op". 😁

Then discuss it with your partner and stop blaming the woman who also happens to be there.

"Any one fancy a drink?"
Several people say yes, and yet you only have a problem with the woman? Definitely a you problem.

And there is a reason for that!

You have done nothing wrong, the guys have done nothing wrong, the partners feel how they feel.
It's not fair but there is very little you can do about it, sorry.