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Original poster

I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

409 replies

Appalonia · 17/09/2026 21:15

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
slugjelly · 21/09/2026 20:20

@teacupmadam after a long and arduous day your witty catty style really made me chuckle— chapeau.

teacupmadam · 21/09/2026 20:23

slugjelly · 21/09/2026 20:20

@teacupmadam after a long and arduous day your witty catty style really made me chuckle— chapeau.

I am delighted! I hope you have a well earned rest now 😘

gannett · 21/09/2026 22:00

teacupmadam · 21/09/2026 19:23

For the avoidance of doubt, Gary is the hypothetical husband of the best friend that we're apparently all supposed to befriend lest we become "regressive, socially isolated women". (literal things said in this thread) Do keep up!

He doesn't need to be a potato. He can be charming, funny, intelligent and excellent company and, shockingly, I still don't have to want a separate friendship with him - because I already have my fill of interesting, witty, lovely friends. How very dare me to reject Gary eh? 😂

And yes, of course women can overstep boundaries too. I never suggested otherwise. The point was simply that some people have had enough experiences of one particular dynamic that they don't think the potential hassle is worth pursuing. That's a personal boundary, not a declaration that all men are inherently problematic. Its my life and I will do whats best for me, thanks.

You seem to be arguing that because you enjoy developing independent friendships with your friends' partners, anyone who doesn't is somehow missing out on a vital source of social enrichment. Which is rather an odd assumption, isn't it seeing as everyone is not you.

I'm saying some of us genuinely don't feel we're missing anything. 😂
You have your Gary. I'll keep my perfectly adequate supply of non-Garys. 🤣

Edited
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Your commitment to your very arch bit has somehow missed the point that the only people telling others what they're "supposed" to do are those who don't believe men and women can or should be platonic friends.

Those on the other side of the aisle are merely putting forward their own lived experiences as counter-examples. I really don't care who you lot choose to be friends with. You're the ones advising other women that platonic opposite-sex friendships are doomed to failure and shouldn't be attempted. I'm saying - no, that's not true, they work perfectly well for me and my social circle. I'm not insisting you do anything.

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 21/09/2026 22:27

Touché !!
🎤 📉 lol

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 21/09/2026 22:32

teacupmadam · 21/09/2026 19:41

Oh darling, this is such a spectacularly clumsy attempt to argue against something nobody actually said but bless your heart for trying. 😂

Nobody is suggesting we should tolerate people who overstep boundaries, become over-invested or appoint us their unpaid relationship therapist - male or female. Obviously not. That isn't the argument but I appreciate its hard for you to get.

The point is considerably simpler: I don't want to cultivate an independent friendship with every perfectly pleasant person who happens to wander into my social orbit. Including my friend's husband.

I can find Gary charming, witty, intelligent and perfectly delightful company and still have absolutely no desire to spend my Tuesday evening drinking Rioja with him while he tells me about his childhood. These things are not mutually exclusive.

And I must confess, I am still utterly fascinated by the idea that declining to befriend Gary somehow constitutes social isolation. 😂

Nobody is persecuting Gary. Nobody thinks Gary is a potato. Gary is simply a hypothetical perfectly pleasant man whom I have no particular desire to add to my friendship portfolio and really, whats wrong with that? does that make me a heartless bitch?

There are millions of married men who are someone's beloved Gary. I'm delighted for them. Some woman has clearly looked at her particular Gary and thought, "Yes, I'll have that one."

I am simply not shopping in the Gary department.

You have your Gary. Cherish him. Take him to the Erykah Badu concert. Put him in the WhatsApp group.

I'll be over here with my perfectly adequate supply of non-Garys, wondering how this became a referendum on my social wellbeing. 🤣

Show quote history

Touché lol

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 22/09/2026 13:30

teacupmadam · 21/09/2026 19:23

For the avoidance of doubt, Gary is the hypothetical husband of the best friend that we're apparently all supposed to befriend lest we become "regressive, socially isolated women". (literal things said in this thread) Do keep up!

He doesn't need to be a potato. He can be charming, funny, intelligent and excellent company and, shockingly, I still don't have to want a separate friendship with him - because I already have my fill of interesting, witty, lovely friends. How very dare me to reject Gary eh? 😂

And yes, of course women can overstep boundaries too. I never suggested otherwise. The point was simply that some people have had enough experiences of one particular dynamic that they don't think the potential hassle is worth pursuing. That's a personal boundary, not a declaration that all men are inherently problematic. Its my life and I will do whats best for me, thanks.

You seem to be arguing that because you enjoy developing independent friendships with your friends' partners, anyone who doesn't is somehow missing out on a vital source of social enrichment. Which is rather an odd assumption, isn't it seeing as everyone is not you.

I'm saying some of us genuinely don't feel we're missing anything. 😂
You have your Gary. I'll keep my perfectly adequate supply of non-Garys. 🤣

Edited
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I love this reply - you definitely have a way with words!

teacupmadam · 23/09/2026 09:46

gannett · 21/09/2026 22:00

Your commitment to your very arch bit has somehow missed the point that the only people telling others what they're "supposed" to do are those who don't believe men and women can or should be platonic friends.

Those on the other side of the aisle are merely putting forward their own lived experiences as counter-examples. I really don't care who you lot choose to be friends with. You're the ones advising other women that platonic opposite-sex friendships are doomed to failure and shouldn't be attempted. I'm saying - no, that's not true, they work perfectly well for me and my social circle. I'm not insisting you do anything.

Show quote history

But I never actually said opposite sex friendships are "doomed to failure", nor did I say they shouldn't be attempted. 😂

You appear to have wandered off into an argument with someone else and accidentally brought me along.

I'm perfectly happy for you to have wonderful friendships with men. Truly. Go forth and befriend all the Garys. Take them to Erykah Badu. Put them in the WhatsApp group. I have absolutely no objection.

My point - which seems to have developed a surprisingly complicated backstory is simply that I (and some other women on this thread) don't personally want to cultivate independent friendships with my friends' husbands, and I find it rather odd to describe women who make that choice as “regressive”, “socially isolated” or in need of “better social circles”. All of which has been stated in this thread- some of it by you.

You can say “this works brilliantly for me” without turning “this doesn't appeal to me” into evidence of somebody else's social inadequacy, which you dont seem capable of.

I genuinely don't care who you choose to be friends with. I'm rather fond of the revolutionary concept that everyone is not you which I stated earlier.

You have your social circle. I have mine. Nobody needs rescuing or lecturing about how they are doing friendship "wrongly".

At this point I think Gary deserves his own Wikipedia page, frankly. 😂

Foodwench66 · 23/09/2026 16:40

teacupmadam · 23/09/2026 09:46

But I never actually said opposite sex friendships are "doomed to failure", nor did I say they shouldn't be attempted. 😂

You appear to have wandered off into an argument with someone else and accidentally brought me along.

I'm perfectly happy for you to have wonderful friendships with men. Truly. Go forth and befriend all the Garys. Take them to Erykah Badu. Put them in the WhatsApp group. I have absolutely no objection.

My point - which seems to have developed a surprisingly complicated backstory is simply that I (and some other women on this thread) don't personally want to cultivate independent friendships with my friends' husbands, and I find it rather odd to describe women who make that choice as “regressive”, “socially isolated” or in need of “better social circles”. All of which has been stated in this thread- some of it by you.

You can say “this works brilliantly for me” without turning “this doesn't appeal to me” into evidence of somebody else's social inadequacy, which you dont seem capable of.

I genuinely don't care who you choose to be friends with. I'm rather fond of the revolutionary concept that everyone is not you which I stated earlier.

You have your social circle. I have mine. Nobody needs rescuing or lecturing about how they are doing friendship "wrongly".

At this point I think Gary deserves his own Wikipedia page, frankly. 😂

Edited
Show quote history

I feel the same way you do. I like my friends' Hubbys and we socialize when I see my friends, It wouldn't occur to me to socialize with them outside of that. Nor would they socialize with My Hubby outside of that. Only in situations like when My good friend's hubby asked me to help him with my friend's surprise birthday Karaoke night and hired me to make the cake (Pistachio Cream nom nom....lol)

NothingMatterss · 23/09/2026 16:58

Cotopaxi · 17/09/2026 21:31

I hear exactly where you are coming from because my hobby is overwhelmingly male-dominated. I have a lot of male friends, but I keep them severely at arm's length, and have never socialised with them outside club meetings and events. They are firmly kept on the acquaintance side of friendship.

You probably won't want me to say this, but you need to do the same thing. All it takes is for one person to say something about you being 'a bit too friendly' with the male hobby enthusiasts, and your name will be mud.

Indeed. It is always sensible to keep distance before things slips.

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