I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

Good grief, unclench about what life drawing classes are and inform yourself please.

The three of them are going to the pub together specifically, she’s not part of a larger group.

As for the second part, I’m not insecure, I’m an attractive woman who learned long ago that men who are eager to strike up new friendships with me away from their partners will pretty much inevitably start encroaching the boundaries of the friendship at some point.

If a woman was uncomfortable with her partner’s friendship with me I would assume she had some cause to be, even if it was nothing to do with my intentions. I would certainly not expect my new buddy to choose pub drinks with me over her comfort or think it was okay for him to start bitching about her to me. I’m a woman’s woman; chicks before dicks all the way.

Instead the OP is acting like a victim and like these two blokes are the only possible people she can enjoy this hobby with, despite her post suggesting the hobby group is larger than the three of them.

and this is why I’d never want to create and rely on a friendship with a man. Respect their partners and stop looking at it like they are jealous of you they probably aren’t they probably don’t want their men spending time with a single female for no reason what so ever. You don’t need them to be your friends. Infact you do not need to be spending time with them at the pub afterwards etc you are overstepping a boundary and if I was one of the partners I’d be pissed off with you. You have no reason to be pissed off with her and no reason to be sniffing around her men acting as though you are more superior and entitled to them than their own partners

This.

"She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing."

This part of the OP kind of says it all. OP can't seem to comprehend that she needs to be respectful and back off. The romantic relationships are none of her business and she really is over-stepping by "trying to help him work through it." 🙄

Her friendship isn't to take priority over the guys' partnerships with their girlfriends. OP shouldn't expect to keep these friendships beyond pleasantries and small talk.

They’ve probably read all the posts on here from women whose husbands are having affairs with, or want to have affairs with, women they’ve met through their hobby.

Women’s instincts are usually quite accurate..

He said he was starting to feel controlled and
suffocated by her demands.

That's a red flag . He's pushing the boundary.

As is your comment about helping him 'work through' the issues with his partner.

You are either very naive or enjoying the drama.

Isn't it just....

It is a shame but I have three separate men who I’ve been friends with for at least a decade and some several decades start to come onto me. I’ve never shown the slightest interest in them and I’ve been married most of the time I’ve known them. One of them is in a very long term relationship, the other two have been in relationships with various women while I’ve known them. I’ve been very clear I’m not interested without actually having the conversation because we’re in a group activity and I don’t want it to end which I think it would if I spoke to them openly. There are other women also in the group who don’t seem to have this issue with them. I know people will think that I flirted with them but I really didn’t as a) they’ve been in relationships b) I’ve been in a relationship and c) I don’t fancy any of them and never would.

I’ve given up being ‘friends’ with men now. I don’t doubt that some men can be trustworthy and won’t hit on other women. But it has really upset snd hurt me that these men have just been biding their time and have never really seen me as a friend and I can’t be doing with it. Also I find it really offensive that they would be so disrespectful to their partners as to be friends with me because they fancy me.

I have also found that if men have put themselves out for me like giving me lifts they are also doing it because they fancy me because men are generally not socialised to ‘be kind’.

I know that sounds really cynical and I know there are some men that have been pleasant without something in it for them but I genuinely think that’s the minority so I wouldn’t be critical of the women who don’t like your friendships with their partners.

You haven’t done anything wrong specifically, but you have missed some giant red flags. The whole “my wife doesn’t understand me” vibe is big with these men. I would have withdrawn my friendship quicker than a whippet out of the traps hearing any of that absolute BS. I imagine their wives are jealous because in the past they’ve had something to be jealous about.

The wives/girlfriends are making this a problem about OP, it's not

Are they? How do you know?

Either way, it is a problem that is not OPs to sort, and should not be put on OP.
Who is putting it on the OP to sort?

Women can and do engage in controlling, abusive behaviour. It is less likely to result in men dying, but restricting the friendships or movement of another adult requires a very high bar--health, wellbeing, that sort of thing. This isn't that.

They can, but a lot of people naturally put boundaries in place for things like this and wouldn't go to the pub with or drop someone of the opposite sex home on a regular basis, many people see this as a basic respect thing to their partner and relationship.

The issues arise if two people with different views on this are in a relationship together, but then we don't know what these mens views would be on their wives going to the pub with other men or getting lifts home, often men who complain about their wives/partners being controlling over something like this would be the exact same or even worse if their partner did it. We've had many women on here posting about this before.

Having a boundary is not the same as being controlling, and many relationship experts would agree.

You haven’t done anything wrong as such.
But you are being a bit naive here.
Or simply refusing to consider how relationships work.
So many threads on here from women saying things like ‘DH went to his hobby, which is fine, but then went to the pub for a drink afterwards. Again. And left me to deal with the kids on my own and I don’t know when dinner will be ready and I need help and support at home. Oh and there’s always this single woman from his hobby group. She’s always there for the drinks. Why are they spending so much time together?”
I wouldn’t want my DH to go for drinks regularly with a single woman he is also giving lifts to. The odd drink yes, but if it happens quite a lot it’s not great especially as he’d have family stuff to be getting on with at home.
Why is this guy ‘confiding’ in you so much and being negative about his partner when he mentions her to you? I wouldn’t trust him at all. He’s not really loyal, is he? And he mentions what is going on with the other guy. Why is he gossiping about his friend?
Just step right back from socialising with these two men. They don’t sound very nice. Who knows what they mention to their partners at home about you? And who knows what they talk about you between the two of them?
And you don’t need a lift home from neither of them.

Hard to say - some people are insecure idiots who lack trust in their partners so prevent them from living their lives. Others are picking up on vibes from their partners which are real. It is hard to know without witnessing the conversations which they are.

My close friend had lots of male friends. One of them suddenly stopped hanging out with the group and wouldn't meet up with her any more, when they'd been very close. It turned out his GF was horribly jealous. The group were really annoyed and hated the GF (to be fair she was an absolute twat in many other ways too). She was totally unreasonable. There was another friend that there was a similar scenario with and the GF stopped the friends from hanging out. However eventually the man in question who had been banned from seeing a female friend eventually drunkenly admitted he had really fancied the female friend and so the GF wasn't wrong to do what she did, as given the chance he would have dumped her for the friend.

Why? It wouldn't if she was a man.

The man wouldn’t be the subject of the issue, would he?

Either they trust their partners, or they don't.

I just don’t think it’s about this. I trust my partner, but I still wouldn’t be happy if he got roped into a close, time-consuming friendship with a single woman from a hobby potentially with poor etiquette around boundaries. Yeah, he isn’t going to do anything, but she’s going to prevail on his good nature to step into places that are supposed to be private and be an invasive nuisance. I wouldn’t just be glad he had a new bff.

Though I can see the man in this story is a bit of a creep, which my partner isn’t.

Fwiw I have a male friend a bit like OP who loves befriending married women, claiming he really doesn’t fancy them. He keeps so close to them with texts and confiding and thoughtful gifts quite a few have become unhappy in their marriages. I genuinely don’t know what his game is though, as sometimes even when they offer to get together with him he says no. If it’s friendship, he’s doing it in a way that is quite destructive and which feels to the women like more.

But, she's not. And that's the point.

This. You are coming across as - I’m not like the other girls, I’m a cool girl who is mates with lads not like those controlling, insecure girls.
You aren’t a long-term or close friend so “a good friend to him and help him work through it” is OTT and a bit territorial in the circumstances.

It all sounds too exhausting for words. I just couldn't be arsed with all the drama.

carry on with the hobby, create some quiet distance from the blokes (stop having after-hobby drinks) and find an additional circle of friends to have drinks with if that meets an additional social need.

Keep things separate in other words. Unless you're enjoying the drama, in which case, good luck. It will burn out eventually, these things never last.

I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it,
I'm sorry OP, but this line is waving 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
You stepped way out of line here. You should have stepped right back once you knew about their difficulties.

Are you sure these men are not using the ‘our partners are jealous’ line to stay away from you? Maybe they actually don’t like your company as much as you think/like/want?

Why can’t you just see them at the hobby? I appreciate it’s not nice being left out of a drink, but honestly I’d rather avoid the drama…

As is saying you saying that you are upset that the girlfriend “affected your friendship” straight after you noted she had been cheated on before, and that you were upset two men & their partners went out for drinks without you.

If both these women have an issue there’s a good chance there is an issue. You do seem to have an issue with boundaries - you are overplaying the importance of this hobby and these friendships.

Im not overly jealous but if my partner was going to the pub regularly with a single woman, it would annoy me

Do they have children? It just adds insult to injury if they’re out having a jolly time with single women when the wife is stuck at home due to young kids