I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

Think of it this way- she married her best friend and he’s spending extra time outside the house (hobby plus pub) and coming home talking about HIS best mate. I’m not saying she’s right but it’s a bit understandable- if the roles were reversed there is no way those men would be happy with their wives doing the same! (But sorry you’re caught in the crossfire!!)

None of this is your problem.

Creative - something like nude painting or drawing ?

It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong, don't give up your hobby over a couple of jealous women.

I wouldn't take that bloke's word for it about the other bloke's wife being jealous. He sounds like he is enjoying telling you that for his own reasons just like he had his own reasons for telling you allllll about his marital problems.

Wife 2 might have been more jealous of her h going to the pub and wanted to join him rather than because of you. Is she nice?

I’m part of a hobby which is completely male dominated. I get on well with them all but I am mindful of navigating the friendships in a way that wouldn’t cause unnecessary difficulties for the friends, wives and partners. If I heard from one of my hobby friends that their wife was unhappy with the friendship I’d take a big step back (and I’d also judge him for sharing something his wife said in confidence to him with the very woman she was feeling insecure about - that’s really not on).

Just to spin this on its head, I found the whole my girlfriend is really jealous and controlling such an old trope. The men are probably using it to try and get closer to you… It’s in the same territory as my girlfriend is a psychopath.

And often women are dismissed as being jealous, when they are expressing real life and legitimate feelings about the way their partner is treating them, and the way they are speaking about another person. They are then gaslit into thinking that they are just being jealous and controlling.

Absolute textbook Man behaviour.

You're being a bit naive and enjoying the attention just a little. Regular car journeys and drinks after the hobby create a level of intimacy that can easily lead to crossed boundaries, regardless of your intentions. That's likely why their partners are uneasy. If you want to keep things appropriate, stick to the hobby and skip the one to one socialising.

So all the info about the partners being jealous comes from one man?
He is telling you that his partner is jealous of you.
And he is also telling you that the other male friend's partner is jealous of you.

I love having male friends too because I grew up with brothers and it feels natural to me. But it can be a difficult area. It's true that some women are very controlling of their partners but there isn't much you can or should do about that. Just focus on friendship with the single ones maybe

"Life drawing, not fine." What?!

I am properly outraged. I (F67) have done life drawing for most of my adult life. In later years it was with my boyfriend, for years. We socialised with the class and even organised exhibitions together.

What makes this different from Creative Writing?

It’s like weird male attempt at flattery. I also see through it nowadays, I didn’t use to.

OP What actual evidence do you have that The partners are jealous other than what this one man is telling you?

It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong here at all but I also don't think this situation is remotely shocking either.

There is a strong assumption out there (which I have heard repeated by men and women alike) that heterosexual guys only bother to hang out with women if they find them hot. It's simplistic; it's not true (I think - I'm not a man so it's hard for me to say for sure); it dehumanises women and assumes they can't be valued for their personalities and interests and creative talents. But this view is out there in the world and I don't think it can come as a total shock to you that the girlfriends and wives of your male friends might have a degree of suspicion about the situation.

You also can't know for sure whether these men are attracted to you. You say you don't flirt and there is nothing between you, but we can't police other people's fantasies, and it is possible that these wives and girlfriends are correctly picking up on a vibe of desire from your friends towards you. If this is the case, it really doesn't matter whether they would ever do anything about it or whether you would ever reciprocate any feelings because just knowing your guy is around someone he is into is hard for a lot of women to handle. This sort of jealousy is an inevitable risk for anyone who is conventionally attractive and young, but frankly can come up for any woman at all (I am very far from conventionally attractive and generally walk around assuming that no one will ever fancy me, but even I have been unexpectedly hit on by people in relationships who I thought were 'just my friends'. Horny humans are going to be horny, I guess).

On top of all that, time is precious for a lot of people. Many couples don't have as much time together as they'd like (or as much as one or the other member of the couple would like). It can be even harder if one member of the couple has an interest or a talent that the other doesn't share. Don't get me wrong: in my view a good relationship involves plenty of time apart pursuing your own things and letting the other person flourish. This isn't equally easy for everyone to embrace though (and gets harder if, for example, you're working long hours or have kids or generally struggle to get time to connect, because then the separate hobbies and interests can really make some people feel pushed low down the pecking order of priorities). Maybe the issue here isn't sexual jealousy so much as jealousy of you connecting with these guys over an interest that their girlfriends / wives don't share, and jealously of their desire to socialise with you rather than to come home earlier. I don't know their lives so I can't say whether these women have a justified sense of feeling neglected or deprioritised already. If they do, getting jealous of you is probably a symptom of a deeper problem.

Oh yes and btw... surely these women are sort of right to be suspicious given that these men have complained to you about their partners? That suggests at least an emotional intimacy with you and that they are competing with you unsuccessfully for attention and respect. It also makes me more suspicious that these guys would see you as a better option if they thought you were available... sorry!

Life drawing - not fine 🤣🤣🫠

Ugh these men confiding in you about you making their partners jealous are always so disloyal in my opinion

As a bisexual person I always find these responses to threads like this absolutely wild. If I wasn’t allowed to maintain close friendships with the sex(es) I’m attracted to I’d have to sit in a dark room on my own and wait for my partner to come home to have any social interaction.

It’s such a script 🫣

From your OP, I’d agree, you’ve done nothing wrong. But that’s irrelevant. Their personal lives have created a choice. That choice is their wives/girlfriends/relationships or you and your friendship. They’ve chosen their relationships. Nothing you can do about it.

Of course you shouldn’t give up your hobby and neither should they, but the ‘extra time’ just isn’t as important to them as keeping their wives happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

As someone else said, you know how you feel and how you act with your friends, but have little idea how they speak or act about you to their partners.

If this has come about after a period of time something may have triggered it, or it may have been brewing for a while. It might be coupled with resentment of how much time they spend doing their hobby, which is then made longer with after hobby drinks. Who knows what are the real issues are at play, it’s for the couple themselves to work through.

The men talking negatively about their partners with you is disloyal, irrespective of whether you’re male or female. We can all have a little moan but it’s sounds like he went beyond that.

However, all of this is out of your control and shouldn’t stop you from doing your hobby. It might mean that after hobby drinks are knocked on the head or become less frequent. Hopefully that won’t affect your enjoyment of the pastime.

I do triathlons, so lots of mixed training - bike rides, swimming. We have coffee together while out on the bikes (30 mins) , and breakfast once a week after swimming (50 mins) - before rushing to work. There is no going to the pub at night.
I'd wonder why my partner wanted to have a coke with you and then drive you home, rather than come home immediately after his hobby is over.

Do these guys have children?

I think I'd be having breakfast alone if I started discussing my husband's trust issues - that definitely crossed a line. If any of the guys started talking down their partners, in any way, I'd be shocked. The general attitude is that partners are great because they allow us time to pursue our hobby. The chat is that they are great to put up with us.

I think the fact that you're annnoyed that the two couples went out together without you is a little telling. Obviously they're allowed do stuff as a foursome. I think it's not unusual for partners to be a little uncomfortable about close friends of the opposite sex and you might need to expect a little pull back . I don't believe this is something you can fix .

Great minds.

It is all very well people talking about these men's wives and partners being 'controlling', but it's just not right to cause potential issues at home between them. It isn't worth it, and is ultimately just not the done thing.

The one and only time I have ever given anyone at my club any close friendly support was when he was distraught because his wife had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

@Appalonia there’s one way to fix it, get yourself a boyfriend and bring him to the pub. The other women will relax when they see you’re not interested in their men. Your actions will speak louder than words.

It is such a shame people forgot what appropriate is. They also forgot to take other people's feelings into consideration. I want friendship with men - fuck their partners, what do I care how they feel? They must have trust issues, their problem, right? Also, I need lifts - I don't drive - so let us use this guy for lifts, what do I care what his wife thinks?
It never occurred to me. Really? Well, if it never occurred to you, it is OK then.

Ah op is a “not like the other girls, cool gal”