I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

Bravo

I'm always curious too when a hobby is mentioned - as I immediately picture an old man making models in his shed. Everything else being an activity and/or a sport.

It does sound like they were sounding you out OP; putting out feelers.

Why is your bisexuality relevant in your response?

Why are you excluded because the 2 couples have gone out without you? It’s nothing to do with you. That makes you sound over invested.

I’m surprised at the responses you’re getting here. If a woman came online to say she was worried about her husband being over friendly with a woman at a hobby, most would back her up and say her feelings were valid.

The fact that one of these men is insulting his partner to you is a red flag. He is being disloyal to her.

The fact that another is giving you a lift home is again overstepping. Be an adult and get yourself home, don’t risk looking like the damsel in distress.

Honestly, do you so desperately need new married male friends? Just spend time with your real friends.

I have lots of male friends but they’re longstanding or colleagues. I wouldn’t make my partner feel uncomfortable. I probably wouldn’t develop exclusive new male friendships. I haven’t the time, but then we’ve got a young child.

You may view them as just mates, I wonder if they're giving off something about you too much or whatever at home which is enough for their other halves to not think it's the same for their partners?

I think it's crazy that a woman can't go for a drink with two men without their partners haven't an issue with it.

You've done nothing wrong.

It doesn’t really matter if you find it ridiculous or uncalled for. You don’t know how they behave at home, do you?

I bet they’re in an orchestra together, they are hotbeds of shenanigans. Hotbeds. Only joking OP, you haven’t done anything but there’s not much you can do if these guys decide they need to be less friendly. I don’t think talking to the partners is going to help tbh.

I’m with the wives, sorry op. The fact that these men are discussing their relationships with you, saying negative things about their partners and flattering you by saying they are ‘jealous’ means they have already crossed a line in and been inappropriately close and the wives are right to be suspicious / pissed off - some would definitely say you are close to emotional affair level with this level / type of contact. If they are decent men they will prioritise their wives over you.

I think the first male friend of yours has overstepped, TBH. His motives are not straightforward here, or he wouldn't be confiding in you about his ‘controlling’ girlfriend & his relationship problems. Nor would he be telling you about how all the other girls are jealous of you.

He is playing some weird game that will end up isolating you from everyone else so that he can ride in as your knight in shining armpur.

This man is your problem - not his girlfriend or anyone else’s.

It’s wild that the original poster can’t see that this is an absolute script.

It's sad and pathetic of them. Feel sorry for them (but being cheated on is not an excuse for controlling new partners, and being sexist) and their partners, but there's not much you can do. There are some women who act as if we should all be segregated, women only being friends with women and vice versa. It is stupid, as more and more people are happy to admit they're bisexual, it's very possible their partners could potentially be interested in men, so are they going to ban them having any friends? If they can't trust them to be faithful round women, how can they be sure they're not actually bi? They can't.
If my husband had tried to stop me seeing friends of either sex, he wouldn't be my husband.

Or, given that she had zero interest romantically in these men, the wives & husbands could sort their immature relationships out & stop acting like jealous teenagers.

Finally, some sense on the thread!

OP get out while you still can before these silly men damage your reputation and their relationships.

Sounds like a version of “ my wife doesn’t understand me”. The next step will be “ yes we still live together but don’t have sex any more”
Tread warily.

I don’t know why either of them felt the need to tell you that their wives/partners were jealous. That in itself is a red flag to the wives/partners that they cannot be vulnerable about a person without the person finding out.

I think these are probably guys you need to give a wiiiiiiiide berth to outside of the hobby. Or just do the hobby somewhere else (even though you shouldn’t have to) so that you can steer clear of these guys.

You may not have done anything wrong at all, but they have by confiding in you about their partners’ concerns, that’s crossing a line and breaching their trust. That’s men I wouldn’t want to be associating with.

I agree it's all got too close.

Sure you should be able to get on with men and women without being paranoid

Do the hobby, accept lifts.

Maybe socialise in an ad-hoc way.

But it sounds like you've got too initimate/embedded in these guys lives?

Why aren't you going out with a bigger mixed group and just these guys? Why are you inviting him to a 1-1 event?

As a single woman the social expectation normally is you should be dating, hanging out with other single people, group or hobby friends.

Married men shouldn't be in your pool of new close regular 1-1 friends to prioritise, let alone be socially possessive over. It's really not a good look.

It always ends in issues like this.

Never appropriate to discuss a man’s relationship. Pete’s a bit of a disloyal git.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP but when men start complaining to you about their partner be wary in my experience. Their partner is controlling, they feel "lonely" and then you start getting into my wife doesn't understand me territory.

The issue is not the women, the issue is the men.

They shouldn’t be discussing their relationships with you. They absolutely shouldn’t be telling you that their partners are insecure (assuming they are telling you the truth about that, which they may not be).

Enjoy your hobby, but step back from all their unnecessary drama and socialise elsewhere far far away from these poor excuses for husbands/partners.

Learn from this, why on Earth are you helping a man work through his relationship issues when he has told you thst you are the centre of his relationship issues, it’s incredibly naive.

Because she's attracted to both sexes! (obviously)

How is it relevant?

How would you get yourself back from the mysterious hobby if your knight in shining armour didn't give you a lift?

If these men really are your friends then you will respect their relationships enough to keep some really solid boundaries. That includes not being the person they confide in about relationship problems.

Are you serious?

Because she’s saying if people are suggesting that men and women can’t be friends because men and women might fancy each other, by that logic she can’t be friends with anyone because she fancies both men and women.

It is directly relevant to the comment??