I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

Well if she’s controlling who he sees and what he does, then that is kind of controlling.

We only have this guy’s word for that though.

Exactly this. It's a classic script.
When I was in my 20s I got utterly bored of older male colleagues suddenly deciding to confide in me how crazy /boring / etc their wife was. It was so clichéd and transparent. Their relationship is probably fine they would just like to lay the foundations to be able to play the field

I used to work with a (straight and married) guy who went to pole fitness dancing classes! They are out there.

It's not you, it's them. The friendship with these men is just not worth the hassle, so maintain a cool distance.
I can't be dealing with people's relationships spoiling my activities. If they can't handle their business at home, just let them be.

You need to just step back now. You certainly don’t want to be available for either of these men to complain to you about issues in their marriage. It’s sad an unreasonable for their wives to become so jealous when there’s no cause, but now it’s the case you want to remove yourself from being any part of ongoing drama.

That is true. But also the entire premise of Mumsnet really - we only have anyone’s word on anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think anyone is "jealous" of you at all. Do grown women actually use that word? Either the men are painting them that way so they can have their cake and eat it too. Or the women just simply find you annoying and inappropriate.

You can see from your replies that some people have consideration for other people's feelings, and others simply don't care. I've met way too many of the latter, sadly.

The only reason I can think of for a man to tell another woman his wife is jealous of her is to sew a seed of potential romantic interest.

Think about it for a second.

Firstly if the man really respected his wife he wouldn't share her insecurities with a random mate from a hobby. By doing so it creates intimacy between the sharers and emotional distance between the husband and wife. He could have come up with another reason to distance himself or stop offering lifts etc.

Secondly it frames the OP as someone who is worth being jealous of - eg the man might be attracted to her.

Why else would you tell someone that?

We're all human and feeling insecure is part of that - jealousy is usually more a reflection of how we feel about ourselves than others.

Agree - don’t see what you have done to be accused of being annoying here! Having friends of the opposite sex isn’t a crime.

"I have done nothing wrong" is quite an interesting statement.

If the friendship with the men is as good and platonic as you say then it should follow that you want what is best for them surely? In most cases that would include a well functioning relationship, which, at the very least is less expensive!

I know many women who have male friendships, myself included. They make a big effort to befriend the family too, out of respect for the relationship. The ones who don't, and can't understand why the wimin are so controlling usually like being the only female in a group of men.
Other women read those women very well, and appreciate them for the danger they present.

I did a glow up in my 20s after my early uggo era!

It was amazing how many married men started describing their WIVES as their girlfriend.

Or suggesting stopping at the pub whilst giving me a lift, or not mentioning a partner at all, or suddenly wanting these long personal chats (they'd been polite but perfunctory before) ....

Suddenly I was a good listener and potential friend, because my style was more flattering and my hair looked good, so they weren't embarrassed to be seen with me.

Looking back, I actually think my relationships with men were often nicer and more authentic in my uggo era.

This ^ he's testing the water with you.

But we know as much about the man in this story as we do his wife- why are we so quick to take his side?

In my experience it is much more likely that a man is exaggerating or even totally making up his relationship “issues” than it is that a woman is being controlling.

I think you are a bell ringer.

One of my mental barometers to figure out if a man is a good man or not is noticing how he treats women he has no interest in shagging. Once you look out for it, it’s quite eye opening.

The friendship is fine, but sounds like at least one of them is confiding in you about their relationship, which isn’t fine. That bit is verging on an emotional affair, and I definitely wouldn’t want my dh to be discussing any marital issues with have with another woman.

Firstly, these guys sound incredibly emotionally immature. It feels like they can’t set boundaries about trust in their relationships or they both have unacknowledged crushes on you and you’ve been oblivious but their girlfriends haven’t. I’m sorry you’ve been isolated as a result. You didn’t do anything wrong. Unfortunately even innocent friendships can be too much for some people.

Had a similar situation with a mate of mine through a hobby.

You cannot reason with insecurity so no point trying.

In my situation, she realised I was no threat but then transferred her insecurity to another woman when she joined the group. Either she simply hates her husband having anything to do with other women or he has form. No idea which, although I have a hunch that it is the former as she loathes her DS spending time with his GF's family.

^^ agree with this. But generally, this sort of thing isn't anything to do with you as a person. It's to do with the guys and how they treat their partners and their partners and how they think of men they are in relationships with and men generally. There isn't anything much you can do.

Ah, creative, so not cycling, then?

Aree with this. Also seems weird that both partners have issues with it.

This ^ for me.

It sort of is as she's now lost two 'friends', some aspects of her social life and a possible downer on doing the hobby together

I'm trying to think what sort of "creative pursuit" these married men are signing up for as a hobby?

Op, I'm curious that you joined up with a hobby class that you had no way of getting home from, without relying on getting a lift from an unknown married man. Or have I read it wrong and you knew him previously?