I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

Me toooooo. Now I wanna know :)

So, I don't think you've done anything wrong, but you really have no choice but to accept that your contact with these guys will just need to be during the hobby time. Be casual acquaintance types of friends. A lot of wives and partner would feel the way their partners apparently do. You would be crossing a line to try and get involved to present a solution to a "problem" that is not really a problem but a boundary, and a pretty normal boundary for many people. And if these guys aren't really fighting or rebelling against their partners' boundary then they must be ok with it.

You can still enjoy your hobby. Be cordial during those times. That's it.

Surely this is just what friends do, though?

This is so shit OP - and they're not being very good friends, either. But some people are adamant people of different sexes can't be friends without jumping each other unfortunately.

This is absolute lunacy to me. I can't imagine only being able to friendly with men if I were being chaperoned by their partners or colleagues lest we become problematically sexually charged. It's genuinely bizarre to me that some people seem not to see those of the opposite sex as people in their own right rather than Potential Mates at all time. I say this on all these threads, but as a bisexual person, should I just be staying in and having no friends at all? Or is it just the monolith you believe straight men to be that are apparently incapable of having a functioning, non-sexual friendship? If so that's really strange way to think about, say, 45% of the population.

Exactly, you don't know but you jumped to blaming the wives and girlfriends.

There's been no suggestion of her banning him from having friends or social connections of the opposite sex, that's just something that you have jumped to from the very limited amount of information that you know, which may or may not be true and you also don't know the full context.

Calling controlling behaviour 'setting a boundary' is also really normal in abuse situations, as is 'doing it because I care'. See Jess Hill's book 'See What You Made Me Do' for more on this.

It's also more normal in situations where someone is simply 'setting a boundary'.

I've been in a very controlling relationship so I understand the difference and don't need your links thanks!

Also that study was a tiny sample, and it said 20% of men and 10% of women reported sexual tension, and it contrasts with other studies with have men reporting sexual attraction/tension in close to 60% of friendships. It really is ridiculous to expect anyone to believe it's as low as 5%

Normalising 'you can't see that person' as a relationship boundary is likely to harm women. Normalising friendships between men and women reduces sexist attitudes. But sure, crack on that this is totally ok and fine because it comes from a woman.

What's harmful to women is hearing this whole crazy controlling girlfriend tale that we all know is often used to gaslight and control women, especially when there are clear red flags in this man, discussing his partners history and insecurities with the OP.

I’m also bisexual, and sadly my personal experience has repeatedly been that straight men do regard the opposite sex largely as potential mates rather than as people in their own right.

I cannot think of a single close independent friendship I’ve developed with a man that hasn’t ended up with him attempting to overstep the platonic boundaries of the relationship. It has happened time and time and time again. My unwillingness to believe this would be the case with all men eventually ran out.

So yeah, now I prefer to enjoy men I’m not interested in banging from a slight distance. People can get mad about it but it works well for me.

Yes, totally with you on this. Also bisexual. Would also need to have no friends if I followed this logic. A single woman should keep herself to herself and not go to the pub after a hobby group because…. Gasp, men are there???? The 1950s called, it wants its attitudes back.

Or she could go with a wider group of people rather than just two particular men who now - surprise! - both have partners who have become uncomfortable with the friendships.

I have pretty strict boundaries around how I conduct friendships with straight men and it’s not especially restrictive on my social life. In fact it enables me to feel much more relaxed and “myself” as I am not worried that a man is going to take my interest in having an extended conversation with him or my laughing at his jokes etc as a sign of sexual interest in him.

I know, it's all so bloody predictable isn't it...

Have to say that is so weak and pathetic. I have three really close male friends and love our 1-2-1 dinners we have. I cannot imagine the ick I would get if my husband ever expressed something like this and tried to stop it.

This! This is what I couldn’t put my finger on - this is the issue.

You think the OP needs to be chaperoned?

It’s not OP’s issue as such. I was just explaining why the partners can feel insecure

I think men typically need to be chaperoned :-)

I thought swinging but not with them girlfriends

Exactly! She's been cheated on before has she? By who Pete...?

Female friends are available

You seriously think "Pete" is telling the truth in this scenario???

🙄

Move in better social circles, where men behave normally and platonically. I promise you they exist.

Good try, but my social circle is wide and full of decent men with partners. None of the decent partnered men are interested in striking up friendships with me away from their partners either because… y’know, they’re decent men. However we will happily enjoy conversation at shared events or in the workplace.

You’re not in a difficult situation. You can opt to have no more contact or involvement with this man and problem solved.

Expect it’s not even jealousy for the W but just that she maybe can’t abide you. It happens. Draw a line and enjoy your life with one less drama instead of getting overly invested and triggered.

"Move in better social circles" 😂

Right, but where exactly is this magical enclave of men who are guaranteed to behave completely appropriately, and how do I obtain membership?

Because presumably there's an entrance exam where they establish that none of the men will ever flirt, blur boundaries, complain about their partners to other women, or tell women that their wives/girlfriends are jealous of them.

"find better social circles" doesn't magically guarantee that every person you meet will have impeccable boundaries- just read this thread where people were friends with men for years before they came on to them.

Apparently, it's women's fault when men behave like sleazes, though -we simply haven't selected the correct social circle. Silly us. 🙄

Being controlling will never bring trust in a relationship so these two partners are their own undoing. There is nothing you can do but continue as you are, be friends with the guys but if they pull back because of their (ridiculous) partners then there isn’t anything you can do anyway.

Men and women can be friends, me and my DH both see opposite sex friends and there is no problem. Nothing I can do would stop my DH cheating if he wanted so I just simply trust him (despite having been with previous partners who ended up being bad)

There is way too much negatively over opposite sex friendships in this thread.

That's so sad. I'd hate for my DP to be shunned by a woman he could be friendly with, just because he's an attached man.