I'm in a bit of a difficult situation, 're jealousy from friends' partners.

[Appalonia]

this is a bit of a long tale, so please hear with me. I'm single and I've been doing a hobby for the past 5 years. During this time I've become friends with 2 guys whom I've met through it.. I became friends with one guy as he used to give me a lift home afterwards, as I don't drive and he lived on my way home. The three of us often went for a drink after, we all got on great, just as mates.

However, recently it's all got rather complicated, all behind my back

So, in June, one of these guys, let's call him Pete, told me that his girlfriend
( whom I had met 7 times, and we'd always got on great ) had banned him from seeing me outside the classes/ group that we went to, as she was jealous of me. I was really shocked as I had no idea she felt like this. He only told me as if asked him if he was interested in going to an event related to the hobby and he was being a bit non committal about it. He said he was starting to feel controlled and suffocated by her demands. It just felt so stupid to me, as there was never anything between us, at all. It almost broke them up, but eventually they did reconcile. She admitted she had trust issues, due to her having been cheated on before. I've tried to be a good friend to him and help him work through it, but tbh I feel pretty pissed off with her for affecting our friendship, over nothing.

So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me. This shocked me even more, as this is the guy that used to give me a lift home. Apparently, she didn't like the fact that other people in the pub that the 3 of us used to go to, would see him with another woman, which is the reason why she then started joining us in the pub after our weekly group.

I've just never experienced anything like this before, I've always had male friends and to me they were just mates. I now feel in a really awkward position knowing how the partners
both feel about me. I don't want to give up my hobby and I'd like to somehow sort it out with these women, but I don't know how.

I've never flirted with these men, as I said, I never saw them as anything more than mates. This only came out tonight as if found out the 4 of them had gone out for a drink without me, whereas before, we'd all have gone out together. Pete very reluctantly told me about how this other woman was feeling about me and then it all made sense.

I feel upset, excluded and most of all, feel like I'm being penalised but I haven't done anything wrong! I don't know how to make this situation any better. I have no romantic interest in these men whatsoever, I like them as people and they're the only people I have to share this hobby with, which I don't want to give up.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this thread, but any advice would be gratefully received.

That's quite specific to the relationship and to the friendship really.

If the friendship was purely platonic with no hint of flirting on either side, I wouldn't necessarily engage with a partner telling me it made them uncomfortable.

But then I wouldn't be with a man who'd ever say that sort of thing in the first place. If DH did it would be so wildly out of character (as it would for me to say it about his friendships).

So what did OP do when she first joined the group then?

Friendships dont develop instantly, they take time.

To suggest that if you cant go for a drink with two married men from your hobby group that you'll simply stop going is weird as hell.

I can’t understand how everyone doesn’t agree with this. In my experience the number of inappropriate “friendships” I’ve come across far outweighs what I think is genuinely controlling behaviour.

If you are a single women and you find yourself having a drink with a man bitching about the auld ball & chain I think you need to reflect on how you ended up there.

If you were in a hobby group and the two people you got on with best were both women, and they decided they didn't want to hang out with you any more, most people would think it natural if you decided you wanted to quit.

That the OP's friends happen to be married men isn't relevant to that (though I assume you're implying single women just shouldn't be friends with married men in the first place).

Do you not have female friends who open up to you about their relationship difficulties?

I do, and I also have male friends who've done the same, and I've supported them both in much the same way.

I am deeply suspicious of a man that slags off his female partner to the OP and bitches about her yet apparently isnt leaving her, yes.

I dont think he is a genuine "friend" of the OP at all. In fact, he sounds like a complete shit stirrer telling her this about his partner and then telling her that her other friend's wife is jealous too. There is something very fishy there about his behaviour and I would think the same if they were female.

I dont think these men are quite the wonderful "friends" OP seems to think they are...

💯 to your last sentence

Also OP says So tonight, we went out for a drink and he tells me that the wife of the other guy in our hobby group is ALSO jealous of me.

So this man IS still meeting OP for a drink isnt he? so why is he telling her he's been banned from doing it, when in fact, he is still doing it

If I told my DP he shouldn't talk to his female friends about how things were going between him and me, he'd be seriously rethinking our relationship.

And I wouldn't blame him

I'm sorry - but that did give me a good Saturday morning chuckle

"faux naivety" puts it well...

But that is wildly different to discussing his OH’s “controlling behaviour” with the OP, when the issue in the relationship is his friendship with the OP!

It just smacks too much of the BF is down the pub bitching to his single fun girl mate about his painful GF.

I have occasionally supported male friends but only in the sense of helping them see their girlfriend/wife's perspective on things. And encouraging them talk to her about any concerns

But generally I have found there is a direct correlation between men who moan about their girlfriends and men who at some point make a move on me.

Exactly.

"My girlfriend is controlling and suffocating me. She's banned me from seeing you. It's almost broken us up!"

Then... they reconcile.

And his response to this apparently "suffocating relationship" is to immediately resume going to the pub with OP. 😂

But if she's that awful and controlling, why is he still with her? And if they've genuinely worked through it, why is he continuing to make OP part of the story by telling her how jealous his girlfriend is?

This is total bullshit

And more mundane the hobby, the more 'outing' it is

Getting a bit too pally with other women's husbands never ends well, no matter if 'you haven't done anything wrong'. It's the wives perspective that their husband is spending time drinking and chatting with another woman, when he should probably be home or out drinking with her. I would imagine it's more irritation than jealousy. Aren't there any other women in your hobby? If it was a bigger group going for a (quick) drink afterwards it would seem more normal.

Rock climbing you spend most of your time staring at your rock climbing buddy's bum as you belay them (or the other way round). Plus close physical proximity as you check their harness, carabiners etc

I was going to look at OP's posting history (to see if it were an 'interesting first post' situation or a pattern of behaviours) - but CBA, so thanks for doing it

Ah so true!

I'm an old dog and also not a smart one haha

Agreed.

Is it ‘outing’

I don't know.

I suppose you haven't done anything wrong. But i know that if my OH would rather go for a drink with another woman than come home to me after a hobby - yeah that would mean there was a problem within the relationship.

Not your fault, but why would you want to keep doing something that is causing discomfort?

Friendships with men who are in relationships are just not possible, despite what everyone cool tries to say.

They will be getting their egos massaged from spending time with you.

The missing piece of logic on your part (and many others it seems) is that attraction is rarely something that happens right off the bat. It grows through spending time together. At first you will feel just friendship, then emotional attachment will slowly grow, then before you know it, one will have relationship issues and confide in you and you will suddenly "discover" feelings and pretend like it's not your fault.

Of course maybe the above won't happen. But when you put yourself in that kind of position, it creates the environment to make it possible / more likely and in itself it's a betrayal of the partner by them, and cavalier behaviour by you.
I personally can't stand people of either sex who engage in that kind of behaviour.

That's clearly not what i said. This was a response to the posters saying 'why can't men and women be platonic friends', sex makes no difference, how sad to regard the opposite sex as only good for for one thing, etc.

Most men place a different emphasis on the importance of sex than most women, they think about it more, they prioritise it, and that can get in the way of friendships. There is a biological basis for that.

To acknowledge that is absolutely not granting a free pass to bad men for poor behaviour. No man has a right to sex. Men absolutely can and should control themselves.

But they generally do think about it differently and its naive to pretend there's not a difference.

This is a really good point.

If Pete its really s friend of the OPs and she cares about him, why would she want to put him on a position that's causing a difficulty in his relationship?

Why would you do that to someone you supposedly care about? (I realise Pete has agency here and is also at fault).