Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

So when he told you from the start he didn’t want children and you said you had a child, how on earth did the relationship get any further than that?

1. He's not your partner, he's a boyfriend.
2. You haven't taken things slow, this is still a fairly new relationship and he's already met your son and been staying over frequently.
3. He's made his feelings clear, regardless on whether he is right or wrong.

If I were you, as you're offended at his stance, I'd consider this a good point to end this relationship. This should be simple to do, as it's a fairly new relationship and your lives are not intertwined i.e. separate living arrangements and finances, no joint children etc.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, throw this one back.

No. but that's why I wouldn't live with a man who still has children living at home. I think you either live as a family or you don't live together. OP paying for her and her son, DP paying for himself, isn't what I would consider a family setup. As he doesn't want kids, I don't see how he would ever be happy living with someone else's kid either. I just don't think this has got legs if what OP wants is marriage and family setup.

My father did the same. He married my mum, and I was about 4 when they met. It was also a time when a child out of wedlock was shameful. My dad adopted me when my mum was pregnant with my sister, he wanted us all to be the same, and has treated me equally since then

I think it’s perfectly acceptable that he thought he was fine with you having a child then living the reality and realising that he’s not. Women have children all the time and realise that the imagined experience isn’t reality. There without the complications of SN like autism.

He’a not unreasonable to discount your assertion that you wouldn’t go after him in a divorce. People say all kinds of things in happy times and behave differently in a split. Eg men who go through ivf with a wife then turn around and say he was baby trapped.

My friend has lost most of his future pension to an ex wife and a lot of this was based on her child with autism who will never live independently. He never adopted the child.

He doesn't love you and he doesn't want your son. You'd be really doing your child a disservice to move him in with a man who wants to avoid all ties and potential responsibility for him. Your child will end up just feeling unwanted in his own home.

i think this was a shitty thing to say, so I would not want to keep seeing him. But, as much as you say you were honest about having a child, he was also honest about not wanting one. You are fundamentally incompatible because you do have a child !

If you do continue dating, you should live separately and protect your child's happiness and housing security.

This

So you’re happy to marry someone who will take/have no responsibility for your son? What’s he going to do ignore your son?
is this the type of person you want to be with?

It blows my mind that a man who’s not prepared to say he’ll get married to a woman he’s been dating for a year, and be a committed step parent to a child he’s known since April, is considered a loser on MN, who should be dumped. I’ve been with my DP for 10 years and I love him very much, but if he’d dropped this on me after a year I’d have felt very uncomfortable.

This is way way too much to expect from such a new relationship.

MN is weird about steps and often tell people you have no obligations to anyone related to you this way. However, I think it is ok for him to be honest about what he would see his role to be. Whether that is ok or acceptable to you is something only you can decide. But I dont think he has done anything wrong. He told you he does not want children, but if you get married, he will be linked to a child.

None of that is correct.

He wouldn’t have any legal responsibility towards your son if you got married at all. His legal responsibilities are to you and to you only.

the ONLY way he would someone legally responsible is to be given parental rights, a guardian order OR him adopting your son.

Personally, it’s just an excuse not to marry you, and if that’s what you want in a relationship then it’s time to get rid of him.

https://www.wiselaw.co.uk/paying-maintenance-step-children/

No way would he be financially responsible for your child (legally or otherwise). If you own your own home you would be mental to marry him abd if you rent and he moves in do not out him on the rental agreement to protect you abd your child.

He’a not unreasonable to discount your assertion that you wouldn’t go after him in a divorce

100% this. I can't see how he would be responsible for child maintenance however if you married and divorced a split of assets might include housing needs for yourself and dependant child, even if he was over 18. So a 2 bed rather than 1 bed.

I think he is being cautious financially especially as you mention a previous Ex. Marriage does have financial responsibilities. Is he wrong? I don't think so as many women are cautious. I wouldn't marry again due to risk of losing assets.

In that case, she owned the house ... what was he expecting? You need to be very careful ... sounds like a cock lodger.

I know it’s easy for me to say as I’m still with DCs father but if I was ever single I just cannot imagine living with let alone marrying someone who didn’t want to be DCs stepfather not to replace their father obviously but to build their own familial relationship. I know life is hard and you deserve love but I feel sad for your son in this.

It happened to my boss.

Was in a relationship with a woman with two kids who weren't his, she moved in after about two years and i believe they spilt up because she had an affair.

He had a four bedroom house at the time which the courts gave to her because it was the family home but he still paid the mortgage. He paid costs and she had another man in within a year.

He moved and lives in a bedsit in Doncaster last I heard.. i wonder if she's going to have any more kids she'd like him to.pay for.

He's right, a step child could be viewed as a child of the family

The Role of the Family Court (During Divorce)

• "Child of the Family": Under matrimonial law, if you were married or in a civil partnership and treated a step-child as a "child of the family," the divorce court does hold residual power to order financial support. 1]
• Top-Up Maintenance: A court can order a step-parent to pay maintenance or school fees, or provide a home, but this is treated as a secondary contribution ("top-up") to what the biological parents are legally required to provide. 1, 2]
• Unmarried Partners: If you were cohabiting and not married or in a civil partnership, the family court generally does not have the jurisdiction to make a standalone step-child maintenance order upon separation.

The only way he would be responsible is if he legally adopted your ds or if he was to be considereda child of the mareiage i.e. ds's dad was in the scene and he financiallysupported you both although that is very rare!

Marriage alone does not and never has made a step parent financially responsible for child maintenance shoukd the relationship fail.

He is looking for excuses and I would be asking why that is.

"He has never been married before but was burnt by an ex who kicked him out of the home and left him with nothing."

Soooo he had a bitch ex who threw him out and took everything he had. Including his house.

Do you actually believe this, OP?

This bullshit story is a massive red flag for a lying manipulator, cocklodger, and/or misogynist.

The "my ex is a horrid bitch" spiel is designed to make YOU want to be the nice (stupid) woman who doesn't lay boundaries with this poor damaged man.

This together with the shitty comment about your child...

Yeah, keep your eyes open, OP.

He may think that if you marry he may be expected to take on at least a partial parenting role which he has made clear he doesn't want. I don't think its wholly about money unless you plan to share finances in which case inevitably some of what believes to be his money would be spent on your sons needs. If you were to marry would he be required to do the occasional school run, parents evening, childcare when you have to go out/work overtime, dinner for three, kids tv, bedtime? These are all things that a person who doesn't want children wants no part in.

I suspect he's thinking more into the future and if your son would be able to live independently or not as an adult,vbe able to work to sustain himself or would he always be dependent on you. This may be impacting his thinking about owning a property together and if you divorce down the line.

Whether or not he is legally correct...I wouldn't continue a relationship with someone who doesnt see my child as part of me/the package

I believe if a man (or a woman) brings up a child as their own for years and the biological dad/mum (not the one they live with, the other one) isn’t in the picture, then that person could be held liable financially for the child if they divorced. But I don’t think being ND or disabled etc makes a difference! But if someone did bring a child that wasn’t biologically theirs up as their own child for years, I would hope they would still continue to provide for that child upon divorce, like they would for a biological child