Partner says he would not marry me because of my son

[Coffeeandtv86]

I just need to get something off my chest really and am interested in other people's views.

Myself and my DP have been together just over a year. We have a really good relationship and see eachother a lot.
We live separately at the moment but he stays with myself and Ds frequently.

Now, from the start he was honest and said he never wanted children. I am ok with this. I have a 9 year old Ds with autism and I haven't even considered anymore children.
We agreed to take things slow at first, I wanted to see how our relationship went before introducing him to Ds so we waited 6 months, just so we knew where we were at with our relationship. Also, this is my first relationship since splitting with Ds' father.

My Ds and Dp get on great and there's been a lot of talk of us moving in together.
Then yesterday Dp brought up our future and said he couldn't marry me cos he didn't want to be legally tied to my DS.

My Ds has a father and I am not expecting anything from him in that regard. He doesn't even have to be a step dad if he doesn't want to. But he said that if we marry and divorce, because of my Ds additional needs he could be financially responsible for child maintenance .

I have never heard of this before and even if this was the case, and I wouldn't go down that route anyway.

I appreciate his honesty, but it hurts a little.
I did want to marry one day and now it feels like he can't trust me to do the right thing if things go wrong.

Which is one of the reasons there are so many unhappy children in "blended" families. Personally, I think that's nasty.

My 15 yr old DD has special needs (Autism) and I am remarried. My now H has no legal responsibility for my daughter unless he adopts her (can't due to her father still being alive and kicking). Your DP is 100% wrong and I assume is just saying this to get out of marriage with you.

There is no future in this. He won't stick around though the teenage years when the going gets tough, as it always does. At least he's being honest about it.

I agree.
the plus point is he has been up front about this...
although his reasoning really doesn't stand up. He ought to be more honest about it. He doesn't want any responsibility for your child.

It depends how you would see your future down the line.

Things to consider ( but you don't have to answer here)
Would you want the security of marriage in the future.
Or are you happy with an independent partnership?
Do both of you see this as a lasting relationship.
Did he really have to leave his last relationship with nothing at all... Did he put enough in to get enough out?
Do you envisage moving in together. Who would move into where?
Would he make an equal financial contribution
If he lives with you, what exactly would the limits of responsibility towards your son be.. Completely hands off or prepared to help with domestic/practical things should the need arise?

He's had six months to make up his mind and he's not all in. It really depends how much that bothers you,

Do you and your son ever spend time at your partners house?

Clearly I have a lot of thinking to do.
Thanks to all for the replies with the matter at hand.

No it isn't.
She talking 6 months relationship before introducing her partner to her son.

And she's had another 6 months of gradually increasing contact and checking that they get on well.

It all seems very reasonable to me.

Can he produce any evidence at all for his claim?

He's been staying over since May. We will have to agree to disagree that that's a responsible or wise choice.

you are focused on the wrong things @Coffeeandtv86 .
He doesn't want children - how do you think living with him and your son is going to work?

Your son has a Dad, an active one whose in his life. No Court is going to force your partner to pay child support for a child that's not biologically his, regardless if your has SEN or not. I've heard of non-biological children being able to claim against a step-parents estate, upon their death, and using SEN as being a 'dependant' of their step-parent. Could it be this he's getting confused with?!!

How many women move in with men (usually with DC in tow), sometimes not brining in much money due to looking after DC and they aren't cocklodgers. Surely he is the opposite of a cocklodger as doesn't want to get married so (as the law stand in England at the moment) would be unlikely to have any claim on property etc. OP has said they have their own places

In all honesty this man just sounds like a twat?!

Who says something like that?

Frankly, if he wouldn't care for your child should you, the apparent love of his life die - why is he with you? The child comes with you.

His dad is in the picture, he knows this, he is just a tosser who can't be honest about never wanting to marry again so blames an autistic 9yo rather than being honest.

He sounds weak and useless, sorry. Ltb x

I used to stay over on my own in the beginning while Ds was with his father. Ds has never been there, no.

There are certain situations, I’m mainly thinking of student loan awards, where its household income that is assessed and a stepparent’s earnings would be taken into account if they lived with the young person.

He's been frequently staying over at the son's home for four months and he's only known the man for 6.

I don't think he is wrong for being honest with you. He may change his mind in years to come but you shouldn't rely on that. He may become closer to your son (whose dad might have more children, move abroad, die prematurely or simply be less present in his son's life). If you did marry and later divorce you might not want (or be financially able) to be so magnanimous about not getting everything you could. Do you envisage your DS living independently as an adult or is he likely to always need a lot of support?

I suspect he doesn't want to marry a woman with an autistic child, but he doesn't know how to put this tactfully, so he's phrasing it as "I don't want to be financially responsible for your son."

Will your son be able to live independently in the future or is he likely to require care into adulthood? While your partner would not be legally/ financially responsible for DS, perhaps he fears a situation where, say you were to die, he has your adult dependant son living with him and reliant on him and would feel morally obliged to provide for him?

With a child that young and him having that attitude, it would probably be a dealbreaker for me. I see where he’s coming from, I just don’t like his thought process.

He sounds confused as if marrying you he automatically adopts DS
but if it all did go tits up as much as you’d fallen out it would be incredibly difficult to evict a disabled child and make them homeless to sell the house even though legally it would probably be quite straightforward

Where has he got the idea he would be legally tied to you son and have to pay for him? To me that sounds like some weird manosphere shit.

Hope to find some sensible opinions here before I (possibly) waste loads of money.

My house has a separate dining room and kitchen with a hallway between the two leading to a toilet. I want to knock the walls down to create one large room but keep the toilet as it’s very useful. To cover all bases:
1 no I can’t afford to put the toilet anywhere else it would make the job too expensive

1. I want to keep the toilet (it’s a shower too) rather than get rid of it as it’s useful.

would you buy a house with a toilet in the middle of a big open plan room?

I’ve created some excellent architectural designs to show you what I mean (by excellent I mean a bit shit)

Thank you to anyone who can be bothered to respond

This is useful. It suggests he was right depending on how the “family”, if it becomes one, operates. Although my first thought was “what a prick” it suggests he does have a point. However I would have thought there are other things involved though. Like this would be more likely to happen if the Dad wasn’t around and the step dad had effectively been like a dad. If the Dad is around, why would a court make the step parent pay maintenance?

i still think it’s a bit like being a prick to use someone’s child in a discussion about why not to get married, I’d be pulling back a bit if someone made me feel like my child was in their mind a potential financial burden, however rational they might think it was.

You need to start your own thread about this.