@Coffeeandtv86 I'm struggling with what you are saying from many perspectives here.
His “child maintenance if we divorce” claim is nonsense and you know it. In the UK, a partner does not become financially responsible for a stepchild after divorce unless they have legally adopted the child or taken on a formal parental role. He knows this, or at least he should, it’s not an obscure rule.
So when someone reaches for a far‑fetched legal scenario to justify a boundary, it usually means they don’t want to tell the truth, they’re trying to soften the blow, they’re trying to make you feel responsible for their discomfort (“I’m protecting myself from what you might do”). It’s a distancing tactic.
He’s telling you he doesn’t trust you! His reasoning boils down to “If we split up, you might come after me for money.” That’s not about your son. That’s about his lack of trust in you. And that’s a very big thing to admit, or rather, to project onto you after a year together.
He’s also telling you he doesn’t see this as a lifelong relationship If he truly saw you as his future, he wouldn’t be gaming out divorce scenarios. People who want a long‑term future tend to say things like “Let’s see how things go”, “I’m not ready for marriage yet”, “I want to build our life first.” They don’t say “I won’t marry you because of your child.” That’s a hard boundary, not a timing issue.
And when a man says he doesn’t want children and won’t marry because of her existing child, he’s essentially saying “I want a relationship with you, but not the full life that comes with you.” That’s not a long‑term partner. That’s someone who wants the parts of the relationship that suit him. And you and your son deserve better, imagine how your son will feel when he grows up and realises you are not remarried as the guy thought you were good enough to warm his bed but not marry because he didn't want kids and you have one, him! Sorry I have to ask why he is with you, think about it?
He’s comfortable living with you odd nights (for now) but not committing to you. Its a contradiction. He’s happy to stay over frequently, integrate into your home when it suits him, enjoy the benefits of family life but he’s not willing to formalise the relationship, take on any symbolic responsibility, make long‑term plans that include her son. And he is telling you this from the beginning. That’s not confusion. That’s convenience.
The healthiest interpretation of his actions are that he likes you, he may like your son, he enjoys the relationship. But he is already telling you that he does not see you as his future wife. Why undersell yourself? You have a kid, you might want to gamble with your own affections but you can't with the kid! And lets be honest, he is already thinking about protecting himself from a breakup. That doesn’t make him evil. But it does make him clear, even if he’s using a flimsy excuse.
He’s told you the truth, just not in the words you expected. He doesn’t want marriage, and he’s using your son as the reason because it feels safer than saying ‘I don’t see marriage in my future.’ Believe him. You’re not wrong to feel hurt, he’s essentially saying he doesn’t trust you and doesn’t see this as a lifelong commitment. You now need to decide whether a relationship with no future marriage is something you’re genuinely happy with.
And if you want FWB that is fine, but don't confuse your son and let him think that being used in this manner is normal.