I (36M) struggle with my wife's (35F) lack of desire.

[UndesirableM]

First of all: I hope this post is ok. I know this site is called Mumsnet, but as the title indicates, I'm a man. I'm struggling with something that I don't know how to cope with, and could use women's perspective.

My wife (35F) and I (36M) have a great relationship, going on 14 years now. We have a family live a mostly happy life. While I believe my wife is objectively beautiful/hot, I don't think I'm necessarily unattractive either.

However, over the years, I've just felt more and more 'undesired' or 'unwanted'. In a general sense (does she still find me attractive? Does she still love me/like as before?) and even more so sexually (is she still sexually interested in me?).

In our relationship, I'm considerably more vocal about my feelings towards her than the other way around. I'll tell her I love her, especially at moments when I really feel/experience that. I tell her how beautiful or hot/sexy she is, what things about her are beautiful/sexy or that she turns me on. She'll never do that, except perhaps to reciprocate ("I love you too"). I also have a hard time keeping my hands of her, because in my eyes she's just the hottest woman ever. Every time I see her naked, I want to jump her bones. She tells me she appreciates that (makes her feel wanted), and has admitted that she perhaps takes such things for granted.

When it comes to sex, I'm always the one to initiate. While I cannot really complain about the receptiveness (she's almost always open to it), she'll never initiate. And if she does, it is very much a "it has been a while, perhaps maybe we should do it again". This often doesn't really comes from a place of desire, but more from a 'relationship maintenance' place.

All this together makes me feel very undesired. I often feel like she'll only have sex with to 'facilitate' me, not because she has a genuine desire for sex.
At the very beginning of the relationship, as with many relationship, we would have sex every time we saw each other and sometimes multiple times a day. This started to quite quickly change when we started living together, and, as with many couples, clearly didn't get any better after having a family.

We've spoken about this a few times, and her explanation is that "it's not me". It's just that she doesn't have an inherent need or desire for sex anymore (only very rarely does she get genuinely horny, often when alcohol is involved), and she needs to get herself in the mood for it, make herself want it. She does say she loves it when we do have sex.

This part is making me feel incredibly unwanted and undesired. I feel like I'm so not attractive enough, that she needs to make herself want to have sex with me. There are no verbal or nonverbal indications that there is anything about me that makes her want me, or turns her on.

She's told me the 'needing to get herself in the mood for it' is not uncommon and most of her friends have that and that I should not take it personally. While I have no reason to believe she's making that up, it also doesn't really resonate with me as I'm not in a relationship with her friends.

I want to emphasize that I'll never cheat on her, but I do find myself enjoying interest of other women (and on occasion men, which is appreciated in a different way), as it can give me that sense of somebody wanting me a bit back. I'll absolutely never act on it though.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm married to the hottest woman ever, I love her to death but I feel like sexually, I'm not interesting enough for her.
Are there any women out there with some advice/experience? This is slowly breaking my heart.

Obviously that isn’t what I said, rape is not what I was remotely suggesting or insinuating, if you have taken it that way that’s down to you.

Thank you. While I agree that I think some of the comments here are more applicable to my wife than others, I still think most of this has helped me provide a bit of perspective on the 'spectrum' of things she might feel or experience.

She has never indicated I say certain things to often (I also don't say them continuously), and has actually stated multiple times that it makes her feel wanted and boosts her confidence.

Good lord. The sheer irony of me saying women shouldn’t be seen as a resource to solve men’s problems on here (which as others have pointed out are almost always “how can I get my wife to have more sex with me?”) and your response to include asking me to help you by finding an alternative source of assistance for you - is extraordinary.

This, your original post, and many of your responses are textbook displays of male entitlement.

Oh, and I haven’t discounted the possibility that you are one of the men who post their sexual “problems” on here hoping to elicit responses from women about their own sex lives, to derive your own pleasure from.

Either way: grim.

I'm not sure if you're talking about me, but I don't consider my wife a sex appliance, nor have a even remotely insinuated that I'm 'looking for a replacement'. If anything, I was more so worried about her potentially being done with me and at some point might want to 'look for a replacement'.

I love my wife, I have zero intention of leaving her, and was merely trying to understand a certain dynamic of our relationship.

It is absolutely what you said. What possible other way is there to take that? Sex isn't something that gets done to women. And it isn't something that cures or punishes them

I believe I've been respectful and polite, yet this is the second time you feel the need to be hateful.

Nor do I think I have given any indication of either wanting women to talk about their sex lives, or deriving pleasure from that here. Nor do I think my post elicits such responses. At the very most, people have described how they respond to verbal or nonverbal expressions of desire/admiration, and absolute no sexual activity has been discussed or hinted towards.

You're projecting all kinds of hatred and accusations without any proper basis. If this thread bothers you so much, there is always the ability to not revisit this post.

No I didn’t, I said some women on here need “a good rg” a good old session, a good time. Meaning relieve some tension, a good shag. Mutually and consensually.
Not to be raped by their husbands.
I should of been more specific with the wording, I didn’t mention rape.

You suggested those of us who haven't been nice enough to the op should get a good rogering. At scraping the barrel best, that was a very immature and embarassing (for you) comment. At worst, it is a little rapey tbf to suggest we just need a good seeing to then we'll all calm down and be nice.

FWIW, I think it's very weird that some people have taken "a good rogering" to mean rape by default.

If she states it makes her feel good, boosts her confidence etc then definitely don't tone it down!

Have you tried viewing her desire as reactive? not just in the moment, but to be built over the day/days? I know from my experience I can be wanting sex, but there is a disconnect between what I want and being able to act on that, if that makes sense.

I think talking to her and also trying to pay attention to things that may have an effect i.e does she seem to relax a bit if you are assertive in general more (my husband noticing I'm struggling with decision fatigue and so him not being controlling, but taking charge of dinner, tv show, board game etc so I don't have another decision to make helps), or does it do the opposite and make her more distant.

Make sure you still treat her the way you did when you were dating, as much as possible - getting her favourite treat on your way home, planning dates (even for a night in).

Also if things are reactive, take the pressure off but still be close? I know it cliché, but massages, baths together, just cuddling on the sofa with progressive touching.

Again though, the biggest thing is to talk to her and also try to make note of what you do and how that affects her!

Yeah that isn’t what I meant at all. Fair enough the other person has taken it that way but that is not at all what I was insinuating! It’s a use of wording that didn’t remotely mean anything regarding rape. I am not entering into anymore discussion with that person - perhaps it was triggering for them in some way. Thank you for your response.

Thank you!

I'm not sure if her desire is reactive. She has not really expressed what specifically creates desire for her. When we discussed this 'desire' thing, she just says she needs to get herself in the mood, and that it is mostly irrespective of what I do, and that I cannot do much to get her in the mood.

I'll try/suggest some of the things you mentioned, I think some of these might be much appreciated, regardless of it having any effect on her desire.

I don't know anywhere where it would be wise to suggest that the behaviour or opinions of 'some' women means they need a good ''rogering'' 😳

Its very 70s humour and really does sail close to 'getting it weather she likes it or not'.

OP - you're sticking with the thread 👍 Good on ya !

When you (she) says 'get herself in the mood' - what is this? Could there be a clue to help here?

Does she spend all day mentally bracing herself ?! Or are we talking a nice bath and a bit of grooming?

?

She sounds completely normal. I bet it's rare to find a woman who wants sex all the time with a long term partner (10+ years) although I'm sure posters will come to tell me I'm wrong. I certainly don't and my partner is without doubt very attractive; I'm just not wired to think of sex all the time.

Yeah, someone said something about me bailing, and I kinda agreed with them.

As for 'getting herself in the mood', I take it as mostly mentally prepare/get in the right mindset. She doesn't do anything physical. It's also not an extensive 'process'. It's mostly her explanation for not having any active desire prior to doing that. It's more of an active process for her to get in the mood.

Telling women who are irritated (by yet ANOTHER man coming to MN to complain about not getting enough sex from his wife) that they should need a good rogering is really fucking misogynistic.

For a start, it's patronising and seeking to shut women down.

I also agree that there is a rapey element to the term "rogering". "Roger" historically originated as slang for penis, and it now means "to penetrate". So the man rogers while the woman is rogered. So the comment that the women on this site need a good rogering means that the women should get fucked to shut them up.

It's a really shitty repulslve comment.

I’m glad to hear it. Women go through so much when they have a young family.

But despite you picking up on the more sex-positive posts to spur you on, just remember that over emphasising the importance of that ‘dynamic’ can have the opposite effect.

As some posters have outlined, when your head is full of domestics and lunchboxes and swimming bags - a horny husband drooling and telling you how hard you make him can just cause resentment. And then alienation. Because he clearly doesn’t get your headspace, and looks like he isn’t interested. Only in his dick.

My advice is still to make her laugh and create space for the two of you to connect organically. Which will hopefully lead to orgasmically. Good luck.

Please stop swearing so much I find it very offensive

There are few things less erotic than a needy man needing his manliness and desirability validated. It's also weirdly irritating to be called hot and sexy by a man that you are finding irritating.

I know you’ve had a hard time here, and there’s very mixed opinions, but good on you for looking at ways to fix it.
You sound like a lovely, caring DH but maybe it’s a bit too intense for her along with the chaos of family life etc. Have you ever tried backing off a bit on the compliments and initiating/affection yourself? My view/advice would be-
Could it be possible that the biggest change might occur when she realises you’ve actually stopped trying and misses that aspect of your relationship?

You know the saying- you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?

I have said nothing “hateful” - perhaps you don’t like it when women assert boundaries and express discontent with male entitlement?

I wholly disagree that you have been respectful and polite. As many, including I, have pointed out, taking to a predominantly female forum to get advice from women on how to get your wife to have more sex with you is disrespectful in and of itself.

As for suggesting I move on to a different thread, you may wish to note I only returned after 1) you responded (asking where you should post for advice instead so the irony was too delicious to be ignored) and 2) because I am receiving multiple notifications because other women keep “liking” my posts. So it seems I am very much not the only woman who thinks yours is the attitude which requires examination.

You can keep telling yourself that I am being hateful to dismiss my point if you so wish. I won’t engage with you further and will mute this thread because watching you ignore and dismiss the point that is being raised by several of us is predictable, yet annoying.

He's not the only one to find your messages hostile. He asked for advice and, per the current MN rules, he is perfectly within his rights to do so. If you feel so disturbed by a man joining MN for advice, take it up with MN HQ and stop harassing someone who appears to be asking advice in good faith.

I agree with PP who mentioned thd pill . I think the amount it dampens libido has been under stated because its a female drug .it definitely affected mine . There should be more research into this . Also hormonal monthly fluctuations can affect libido . As others have stated .

I'd be interested to know (actually I wouldn't but you should be)

1. Does she have an orgasm every time you have sex? If no, that's not ok. If she says it's ok it's for convenience. Sex needs to be good to want to do it.
2. Does she want to want to have sex? Sometimes I do want to want to but - I just don't. And I'm too old to go with it for ease like I might've in my 20s. And sometimes I don't want to and I don't want to want to either, I just want to watch TV or something. Knowing the difference is good because you might be able to change the first.
3. What does she find sexy? What ideas turn her on and how can you make that happen? If you have been having sex with her for years you should know this and if you don't there's an answer for you - find out.

Also sex by appointment can be quite nice FYI. Obviously that depends very much on the person.