I (36M) struggle with my wife's (35F) lack of desire.

[UndesirableM]

First of all: I hope this post is ok. I know this site is called Mumsnet, but as the title indicates, I'm a man. I'm struggling with something that I don't know how to cope with, and could use women's perspective.

My wife (35F) and I (36M) have a great relationship, going on 14 years now. We have a family live a mostly happy life. While I believe my wife is objectively beautiful/hot, I don't think I'm necessarily unattractive either.

However, over the years, I've just felt more and more 'undesired' or 'unwanted'. In a general sense (does she still find me attractive? Does she still love me/like as before?) and even more so sexually (is she still sexually interested in me?).

In our relationship, I'm considerably more vocal about my feelings towards her than the other way around. I'll tell her I love her, especially at moments when I really feel/experience that. I tell her how beautiful or hot/sexy she is, what things about her are beautiful/sexy or that she turns me on. She'll never do that, except perhaps to reciprocate ("I love you too"). I also have a hard time keeping my hands of her, because in my eyes she's just the hottest woman ever. Every time I see her naked, I want to jump her bones. She tells me she appreciates that (makes her feel wanted), and has admitted that she perhaps takes such things for granted.

When it comes to sex, I'm always the one to initiate. While I cannot really complain about the receptiveness (she's almost always open to it), she'll never initiate. And if she does, it is very much a "it has been a while, perhaps maybe we should do it again". This often doesn't really comes from a place of desire, but more from a 'relationship maintenance' place.

All this together makes me feel very undesired. I often feel like she'll only have sex with to 'facilitate' me, not because she has a genuine desire for sex.
At the very beginning of the relationship, as with many relationship, we would have sex every time we saw each other and sometimes multiple times a day. This started to quite quickly change when we started living together, and, as with many couples, clearly didn't get any better after having a family.

We've spoken about this a few times, and her explanation is that "it's not me". It's just that she doesn't have an inherent need or desire for sex anymore (only very rarely does she get genuinely horny, often when alcohol is involved), and she needs to get herself in the mood for it, make herself want it. She does say she loves it when we do have sex.

This part is making me feel incredibly unwanted and undesired. I feel like I'm so not attractive enough, that she needs to make herself want to have sex with me. There are no verbal or nonverbal indications that there is anything about me that makes her want me, or turns her on.

She's told me the 'needing to get herself in the mood for it' is not uncommon and most of her friends have that and that I should not take it personally. While I have no reason to believe she's making that up, it also doesn't really resonate with me as I'm not in a relationship with her friends.

I want to emphasize that I'll never cheat on her, but I do find myself enjoying interest of other women (and on occasion men, which is appreciated in a different way), as it can give me that sense of somebody wanting me a bit back. I'll absolutely never act on it though.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I'm married to the hottest woman ever, I love her to death but I feel like sexually, I'm not interesting enough for her.
Are there any women out there with some advice/experience? This is slowly breaking my heart.

Is the original poster AI?

That is not what I meant, nor do I want to brush it off. I simply cannot attest to how she deals with things mentally on a day to day basis, unless she tells me. We talk about these things every now and then on a more general level, and I have no reason to believe there is a considerable disbalance here. I could aim to discuss this again, so I will try and do that. Thank you.

However, you immediately assume the worst of me. Routines we have with the kids have simply been discussed/designed like this, or grew like this by learning from trial and error together.

It’s more mental load for women.
Man has a problem, who is on tap to fix it? A woman of course.

OP I would seriously consider if the load, physical and mental, are as even as you suggest. Very often men think tasks are split equally but they’re just not, and there’s nothing less attractive than a man who does not pull his weight in the home and expects his wife to mother him as well as her children.

Give her a break from telling her how hot she is, it makes you sound like a gropey pest!

There’s a fair bit of repeating the same things so I’d guess it’s all AI 🤷🏻‍♀️

A good old rogering?

Really? 🥱 are you 13 years old?

Ew. Nothing like a bit of misogyny on a relationship board aimed predominantly at women.

I've tried to answer to most comments here, as I think shows in this sub. However, I wasn't expecting this many comments so I can't keep up.

That said, I'm not quite sure I understand you last remark (the "sex now or later" vs how often they have sex part).

Nah, no AI here.

OMG not ANOTHER thread from a man who thinks he isn't getting enough sex.
FFS.

14 actually

THIS

It is becoming very clear that many people on here have not read the entire thread, of if they have, simply don't believe what is said.

This post is not about me looking to get more sex from my wife.

It's such a bloody turn off when men are anxious about sex, whether it is their performance or the fact their partner doesn't want it as often as them. Women feel the anxiety and over time it's annoying AF.

You as the woman can't do anything about these bloody anxieties. Yes, you can overact your pleasure like a porn actress so he feels like king of the world. Or reassure him that you don't mind he lost his erection while he frantically tugs at his penis. And you can force yourself to have sex so that he doesn't get all wound up and moody.

None of these options are sustainable. The first two eventually give you the ick, and the last is unwanted consensual sex that eventually generates the same deleterious psychological effects as coercive rape.

OP, a PP above said that you are tying in your self-worth to your wife's sexual desire for you. This is absolutely true, and it's YOUR problem. Don't make it something else that she has to add to her mental/emotional load.

Your wife is a woman, and women have seasons of sexual desire that are run by their physiology (just like your sexual desire is run by your own physiology). It's literally not about you, and you trying to make it about you shows your self-absorption.

I think understanding more about female physiology would help you to not take your wife's lower libido personally. There's a male Instagrammer who talks about female physiology a fair bit, you might want to check him out

https://www.threads.com/@shesnotcrazyseries

I just find it kind of icky tbh.

Let's get random women to talk about their sex lives.

You referred to you asking your wife if she'd like sex "now or later".

A pp asked how often youd like sex, and how often you have it.

Thank you, this is insightful and actually very helpful. Perhaps I am inflating my impact on this.

Of course it's not.

It's about wanting random women to talk about their sex lives.

And to validate.

That was a response to a question about whether or not me touching her (which sounds like I'm groping my wife 24/7, which isn't the case) is with the expectation it leading to sex. Which is not the case, in our relationwhip it tends to work best to just bring up having sex.

As for how much I'd like to have sex: I don't have a hard number. This also wasn't not about the frequency of sex and getting that up or not. It was about understanding my wife's sexdrive and how I may play a role/affect that.

As for the frequency of sex: this is inconsistent. This can go from two times in a week to three months of no sex.

Yep, I was thinking along these lines. Do you have any idea at all of how often she masturbates, OP? That’s a pretty good indication of her actual sex drive because she’s not having to consider anything but her orgasm.

BTW, saying repeatedly that you find her hot is just about you, your opinions, how you want the world to see you having a hot wife who desires you. It’s not about her or her perception of herself or her place in the world as a person. I think you’re suffocating her with it.

I don’t believe it when you say you share the load equally, because I know so few men who do even though they think they do!

Your posts are all me, me, me, and how you feel undesirable and smacks of a typical male post from a man feeling entitled to a sex life he’s not getting.

Tale as old as time.

Yes i know what it was in response to.

Its a natural question to ask of someone concerned their wife doesnt want sex with them as much as they'd like.

And it can be interesting when that question doesnt want to be answered.

Edited to add - your comment of how frequent was added after I had already replied.

Yes, we're pretty open about that as well. And while I feel like disclosing that here is a bit personal, I can say she's not hyperactive on that front either.

We're pretty open about our sexual likes and dislikes, including her ability to orgasm.

As for telling her she's hot, as I've mentioned a couple times already: I don't pester he with it. I will tell her on occasion, when there is a moment for it. I understand that throwing these things around all day both could become annoying and will lose all meaning.

That said, I will consider this more carefully, though this thread is making be believe I should perhaps not make such remarks at all.

This is not going to go down well….

its all well and good spouting the „are you pulling your weight“ questions but no one is actually raising the issue of biological instinct. Now this doesn’t apply to all women but the same story is repeated over and over again.

You meet, have huge sexual interest in each other.
Instinct (to reproduce)
Along comes a child
Women’s instinct is not to reproduce again but to focus on child.
Male instinct is to continue to do the thing that produces a child.
If your wife wanted another child you can bet your life she‘d be interested sexually.
In the grand scheme of things it all comes down to egg and sperm in the end.

I can say she's not hyperactive on that front either

What do you mean by this?