DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Good luck with your exams. Park dp for now, concentrate on your exams, and come back to it afterwards.

Staggered that you have been made to feel the need to pay to rent on a unit somewhere else to work away from your own home because HE is uncomfortable!! 😳😬😂…. This is just bonkers 🫣

Of course you don’t need to do this.
Seems you‘ve already checked out so just stick to your resolve and focus on the end game but keep your powder dry and your peace until after your exams.
good luck with everything 💐

You must be being financially disadvantaged by this, his small rent and half the bills don't cover wear and tear, holidays, renting an office to work in.

I bet he wouldn't have been able to spend 6 months twiddling his thumbs in your house (no renting an office for him, in fact you have to a rent and office so he's not disturbed) if he hadn't been living with you.

Yep kick the cocklodger. I had this situation happen to me. Get rid before he ruins your home set up/ security xx

But they haven't built a good life together. They are both middle-aged and have only been dating for 5 years. He no longer owned a home and then cocklodged moved in with OP 3 yrs ago, into her fully paid off home. Losing his job only 18mths later.

He rightly shares the bills/living costs.

Tell me what exactly he's contributed to this building a good life together?

I fail to see how OP is "incredibly immature", care to explain? She doesn't need to learn to communicate, she has already raised the issue with him and he is the one who has brushed her concerns under the carpet.

He's the one lacking any form of maturity, certainly not the OP.

Goodness he is a CF indeed! Quite happy to sponge off you it seems.

Good luck with your exams and getting rid of the twit.
As A previous poster said, the money spent renting an office so people don’t come to YOUR house because he doesn’t want them to, is money that could be going towards your children.

I'm sorry OP but that is something that's likely only enabled by him living with you.

If he's not permanently employed, even part time, he won't be able to get a mortgage in future or even rent - landlords get the crop of the creme these days and most won't pick a tenant that is employed on shaky grounds when they have loads of good people on stable incomes.

I sympathise in some ways because I've seen so many employers exploit their employees and various types of dysfunction on hostility within teams, but emphatically telling you he'll never work for anyone ever again like this is not on.

Drop it for now and concentrate on your exam - you don't need further arguments with him about this before you do them, but after that, I think you need to consider the fact that you're not compatible in terms of life goals.

I would get the exams out of the way if you are safe with him there and then tell him to go, if you think he won’t go easily could you change the locks?

They get on fine. His relationship with him is more like a friend than a parent. It’s not a deep relationship like he has with me or his father. It will inevitably affect DS, but I’m the adult and need to make the correct decision for both of us. I will obviously speak to DC’s dad so we can support whatever comes up.

Get him out sharpish. The government wants to implement a new cohabitation law. This is exactly why the bill should not go ahead. Sounds like he’s become accustomed to doing very little since losing his job and he’s expecting you to fund it. Think of your child. He’s the only one you should be keeping.

I am very aware of this and it’s just another contributing factor.

It's funny he finds the conversation emasculating and not his own behaviour.

Get your exams out of the way and kick him out

You will be happier
and your son will be happier because theres
no tension at home and his mum is happy

OMG he doesn’t want you seeing clients in YOUR home as he would find it intrusive. Who the hell does he think he is?

It is nonsense to consider renting office space when your clients could quite easily come to your home. Tell him to jog on.

And dump him while you're at it. You deserve better.

Get through you exams this week then kick him out.

I bet you won’t though….

This in spades. He's starting to control what you do, in YOUR house, in YOUR working time and asking for YOUR money to fund it.

That's insane that you have to work outside of your home because it would be 'intrusive'.

Who the hell does he think he is!!

He's well and truly got his feet under the table OP. if you don't stop it now, you'll go down with him and he'll take over your everything.

Don't let him order you around. It's your house. Tell him as you're the breadwinner, you have to make the money and he needs to work around your work as it's what's bringing in the money long-term and he's not got anything viable for the future so your work must be prioritised.

He's not being realistic and what you're doing sadly is bursting his bubble of complete hyped up dream that's gone nowhere. He needs to face reality and so do you. He's behaving like a grown up toddler, not an adult man taking full responsibilty for himself. You're not his mother and you're not his therapist.

He needs to go.

I've never had a man financially support me, and I'm self-employed and do well out of it. But it does seem rather selfish/naive to start a business that generates no income. Nothing since March is not a great sign that clients think he adds value. There's also the impact on OP's life of her having to rent office space because he won't let her work from home.

I'd be inclined to tell him tomorrow, rather than have it on my mind while trying to focus on the exams.
What do you expect his reaction to be though?

Focus on your exams and tell him afterwards.

Why would you risk him jeopardising what you have worked so hard for.

A DF of mine was in your position and her Ex kept her up all night before her exams so she was extremely sleep deprived. He obviously wanted her to fail!

Oh god, this stirs up memories of my exh who after successfully contracting for a number of years decided he is not going to work for anyone but build a business. 3-5 years in household maths was not mathing anymore and we had numerous conversations abput him getting a job, in vain.

I divorced him, bought him out amd he had money from the settlement.

He is homeless now staying in friend’s spare bedroom.

I thank myself for decisions i made back then (divorce) every day.

I would definitely wait a week and do my exams, then I’d say I can’t live with a man who doesn’t share my vision of a future, Is adamantly against basic concepts such as working at a job and also hasn’t built a financial future, yet gets very defensive when I try and discuss it. I got to my financial position by working at a job. I am done trying to discuss this,I don’t have it in me to work past the offended anger and comments about emasculating - if you don’t want to feel emasculated by comments about finances while I’m paying for an office because you don’t want other people in my house, then get a decent job. Anyway, it’s moot, as I can’t get over this, and we aren’t working.

This would be the beginning of the end for me: he found my comment emasculating.

"If you don't affirm my self-fantasy, my balls fall off."
🙄

I'd want to be with someone who knows who he really is, owns it, and doesn't attempt emotional blackmail. Adding the mounting problems of broken promises, financial insecurity and overweening entitlement, he's a goner.

I'm glad you see this, @BeLimeTiger. It's heartbreaking to say goodbye to one's hopes for a relationship; I sympathise. He has, effectively, future-faked you and that hurts.

Wishing you the best in your exam!

I think the larger point is he would not have been able to take the punt on being self employed without living cheaply with you. That's what is sticking a bit in our throats, OP. It feels a bit like a piss take on his behalf, and you've clearly worked too hard to let someone take the piss xxx

Crazy how fast can lose their job and live in cloud cuckoo land when someone else will be footing the bill when their money has gone.

@BeLimeTiger you absolutely are subbing him. You live in a home that you've paid for and can work from, but you're renting an office because he doesn't want you seeing clients in your own home (where he is just the cocklodger) and you'll be paying more for the rent than he's chipping in to live with you. He's a massive freeloader.

You have exams, so put this on the back burner for a week and do what you need to do, then ask him to leave. He will 100% accuse you of not caring about him at all and only caring about money. He will also say he's trying to build something to give you both a good life together and you are thwarting his success. This is 100% bullshit. He'll say he can't believe you're letting him down. It's 100% projection. You may as well resign yourself to helping him with a lump sum to get a deposit, but do not under any circumstances act as a referee or go guarantor for him. You could lose your home. Good luck with your exams. Then it's time to put your big girl pants on.