DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Loads of mean folks on here. Nothing wrong with supporting someone while they set something up, as long as they are trying. But I would give him a time limit, say another 6 months to show it is working and then he has to look for paid employment.

Whilst it is tricky to live on a single salary, men don't only have to be in womens' lives as earners.

Not a boyfriend of 3 years who bought nothing to the table financially

How on Earth is it that the first comment basically answers it spot on?

I suspect that if he wasn't relying on you to house and support him financially he would back down on working for someone else sharpish. And the cheek of him not wanting you to see clients in your own home.

Do you know how much debt he can rake in during this 'time limit', whilst sponging off the woman?

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

Spot on!

Spot on!

We had this conversation 6 months ago and yesterday he belligerently said that he will never work for someone else again. I can’t do this for another 6 months.

I would tell him that I will be having clients at home and he can go out whilst they are there. No way would I ever buy a hoyse with him .... unless your £ input is protected legally and he pays the mortgage on his %.

F

Point taken but there are women who benefit greatly from their husband's /partner's financial status whilst not being in a position to make significant financial contributions.
Those women get a different rating to OP's partner.
OP is extremely financially solvent (no mortgage and having savings in your 40s is out of the majority of people's reach, irrespective of sacrificing etc).
Her partner has paid half of bills and rent so he isn't living for free.
If you love someone and want to build a life together, there will inevitably be differences in earnings etc.
The problem is that OP and partner have fundamental differences in their outlook to money.

100pc agree

Ok so you have established w. Which is good.

So what are you planning. To tell him tonight that he needs to start looking for somewhere else to live… pronto

If you’re having to rent an office base because he doesn’t like people coming to your house, he is costing you even more money. He sounds very selfish.

Financially Supporting a boyfriend of 3 years when you have a 10 year old son???

Bf is paying half of bills and rent contribution.
Working minimum wage job.

It took me years to turn a profit on my own business but me and DH knew it was a joint long term investment and he’s also in the same industry so knew it was worth it.

Not earning and trying to build something isn’t intrinsically a bad thing, but it’s a joint decision that you both need to be onboard with.

Now he is
but the point is… the Op thinks the money has dried up hence this thread!!

It usually is on any thread - first post almost always nails it!

I have children. I am financially supporting NO ONE aside from them and them only. Not a boyfriend. Ever.

But op had the ‘time to get a full time job’ conversation, and he’s refused, and says he’s never going to work for anyone again. The minimum hour job is not regular income, as he’s choosing which hours to work. OP has supported the dp for 18 months, and now he’s basically said that I want you to support me more. Yes, he is contributing to bills at the moment, but how long
until his savings run out. What then?

I genuinely don’t know. I have important professional exams in a week

Just tell him to go - now!

So you’ll have to crack on sharing a bed with him, dinner with him etc?

What is he like with your son?