DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Honestly, I think you’ve got a cocklodger. He’s a grown man in his late 40s and, quite frankly, I don’t understand why he moved into your house in the first place when he wasn’t financially secure.
You’ve worked hard to pay off your mortgage and create financial security for yourself and your child, yet for the last 18 months you’ve been carrying the stress of an adult man who has chosen not to work for someone else despite his self-employed venture not working out. Meanwhile, he’s living in your home for a relatively small contribution and has apparently burned through his savings.
And I’m sorry, but the money you’re effectively subsidising him with could be going towards your child, your own future, holidays, savings or simply enjoying the life you worked hard to create.
The bit about him finding it “emasculating” that you pointed out the cost of your office compared with what he contributes would really concern me too. You’re not his mother or his financial safety net.
He may well be a nice, helpful man, but nice and helpful isn’t enough for a life partner. You need someone who is financially responsible and whose actions actually match the future they talk about.
I think you already know what you need to do. Don’t let another couple of years go by hoping he’ll become the man you thought you were building a life with.

So he is costing you money on renting an office space because he doesn't want you to see clients in your own home?!

Read that again slowly and make it make sense...

I don’t think you can say this chap is self employed if he hasn’t had any clients for 6 months. Calling OP incredibly immature seems pretty harsh - too trusting, too loyal perhaps. It’s not like if she has caused this situation by not being clear about her feelings…..

Nailed it.

As soon as we got married, my ex-husband lost his job and decided to 'work for himself. He moved into my fully paid off house. Week after week there was no income from him. Our marriage only lasted 5 years because it wasn't what I signed up for. He had always worked full time before he had a chance to live 'rent free' with me. He was just lazy. I agree that your relationship is over. He sees the cheap living arrangement as a way out of full time work.

Hang on a minute though… he’s still paying half the utility bills and some rent, right? He’s not actually stopped paying his fair share? He got made redundant. I think he’s being lumped in with the cocklodgers on mn a little unfairly. Your finances aren’t entwined you just aren’t going to be able to afford the things in future you thought you might.
Having said that, you clearly have different priorities so it sounds like it has run its course.

I think that this is exactly how he’ll react. Initially he’ll be defensive, telling me he ‘pays his way’ and then tell me how unsupportive, uncaring and money grabbing I am. Next he’ll probably either bargain (‘I’m doing this for us’, give me another month’) or might just carry on as if if I was just having ‘moment’ and pretend he didn’t hear that it’s over. He said in the summer that he still has £25k in savings. I really hope that’s true because it means he has more of a chance of finding somewhere else to live

So if he refuses to work for anyone else again and his attempt at self-employment has failed and isn't bringing in any income at all, how does he intend to make money?

It's all very well posters saying that he is still paying half the utility bills and a small rent payment, but his savings must be running out. He isn't in a position to be picky about working for an employer and his belligerence would really piss me off.

@BeLimeTiger Only £25 k from a well paid financial job?What was the redundancy payment? How did he lose his job? Incompetence?

This is very little money even after 18 months of not working. He’s not building anything worthwhile! Hes got very little to show for redundancy and savings for someone approaching 50! That’s the cost of buying a decent car. Therefore his savings were never great nor was any redundancy payment. Where has the money gone? On setting up this non business?

However you do it, it's time to move him on snd out of your house.

So putting aside the ENTIRE issue of money - this seems to be a very unpleasant individual and one you don’t want to be with. And really shouldn’t have around your son.

He’s essentially a nice person

doesn’t sound like it.

why the hell do you care at this point whether he has enough money to move out? Not your problem. He needs to leave. That is all you need to action. The rest is up to him.

Hopefully he does have £25k in savings as it would spare you the concern you might otherwise feel in kicking him out. With that money he can rent a place and put down a deposit. (Although as a ‘self employed’ person with no evidence of actual income he might struggle to find a landlord to take him on. Still, not your problem.) Once he’s responsible for his own living expenses and is burning through his savings, I bet he’ll change his mind about working for someone else and getting a job pretty damn quick.

Bite the bullet and get rid of him soon (after your exams) as this clearly isn’t working for you and if this new cohabitation bill becomes law you’ll be well and truly shafted.

Starting a business is hard, really hard. You are working for free, long hours, every day, in order to get it off the ground. You dont mooch about, take holidays or work 9 - 5 hours. 18 months in there should be evidence of his business taking shape and maturing. It is possible to still not be turning in a profit but at least have in place the key business structure/ product and be in a position to soon finally start drawing an income. Is he anywhere near that point? Or is still at a 'great idea' stage?

Your child should be your main priority financially not some rancid cocklodger.
What kind of a man has no home or job and wants to move in with a single mother so he never needs to work again.
You seriously need to raise your standards and be an example to your child.

@ChamonixMountainBum My dh didn’t work for free! He had work ready to go. He had holidays and didn’t work all hours. However he had a partner and they covered for each other. It’s all about strategy and having a good business plan and contacts before you start. The bigger issues are working up a product and getting it to market. If the DP here is doing this, he needs backing or he’s running out of money very quickly.

Depends on the business - some take huge amounts of cash and several years but others can literally be started on a shoestring and turn a profit the first week. Sounds more like the ops cocklodger is merely setting up some kind of consultant self employment rather than a business buying and selling widgets which are usually quick and cheap to set up utilisations existing knowledge, experience, contacts, etc. The fact he’s had virtually no customers suggests it’s not going anywhere, ie he doesn’t have the contacts, ideas, abilities he thought he had.

I think one day you should just change the locks - even if you tell him to move out, I fear he won't be able to - my sister's child started renting, I had no idea what renting now is - when I rented ages ago, it was different. Nowadays they want a full third party check on solvency or whatever it is called - the ability to pay. I have never heard of this before - apparently, they even check the guarantors the same way - I had no idea. He won't pass this financial check - my sister is self-employed, so she did not pass it and she agreed to pay in 6 monthly chunks, to bypass this problem. Renting has changed so much, it is unbelievable. Plus deposit, in addition to the 6 months payment in advance for self-employed.

It was 3 months salary (fairly new job), significantly more than I make in a year. Then he had money from the sale of his house which wasn’t amazing as they hadn’t owned it for long. He was renting when we met. I don’t think he lost his job due to incompetence as the whole department were made redundant

if he wants to stay in this area, he’ll be looking at a house share or renting someone’s spare room. When we talked six months ago, I asked him whether he would continue with self employment if he wasn’t living with me. He said he’d make ‘whatever sacrifices are necessary’ to continue with his self employment and not seek salaried work. I don’t know if this is true, he was renting a beautiful place when we met and I’m not sure how he’d cope in someone’s spare room

Of course he’ll seek to get a new job once you turf him out, he’s only doing this hairbrain “business” hobby because you facilitate it. He’s an absolute chancer op completely taking you for a ride. The cheek of him working from your house and making you rent somewhere for your work. WOW!!

OP,. you haven't addressed the ridiculous point of you renting elsewhere from your own work, while he happily works from your home. Have you reconsidered this option at all?

Is he claiming benefits?

He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive
I can't get past this, TBH.

Once you get him out he will absolutely sort himself out.
You and your home are being used.
Talk to the police about getting him out.

I was a single mum too OP. Own house and career. These type of men were always turning up looking for freebies. They prey on single mums. I was burnt once and never again. If a man doesnt own a house, have a pension and a decent job Im just not interested. It works the other way round too. Plenty of gold diggers out there.