DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Please get your paperwork together and go and see a solicitor as soon as your exams are over . Because I don’t think he will go quietly.

By paperwork I mean the cohabitation agreement you had drawn up by your solicitor when he moved in. And any other written agreements you have with him and a note of how much money he has paid you .

I trust that ALL of the money he has paid was towards bills and food and not actually as rent. Otherwise you would no doubt have provided him with a written rental agreement and be declaring the rental income to HMRC . And informing your mortgage lender and your building insurers that you are subletting part of your home .

Im guessing you’ve not done any of these things.

You're living up to your user name. Family finances aren't taxed.

So he works from your home while you have to pay for office space to meet clients as he doesn't like them coming to 'your' home?! Is he for real?

Having a live-in boyfriend pay a bit of keep isn't sub-letting, nor is there a requirement for a written rental agreement either. He isn't a tenant and does not have any rights of a tenant.

Plus, if you'd read the OP thoroughly, you'd see she's paid off her mortgage anyway.

In terms of HMRC, as long as the keep is under the £7.5K/yr threshold, which it probably is, then she doesn't need to declare it.

I'm guessing you're not as clued up on any of these things as you think.

Idon't think he is in a position to tell you you need an office because he finds the idea of clients in the home intrusive- his feelings are going to cost you a good deal of money, does he run his business from home? I think he probably does, in whidch case he cannot insist you rent an office to run yours.
Unfortunately the dream of working for yourself often doesn't work out, and the change in attitude and gap in your CV makes you much less attractive as an employee.
I think he as to drop the idea of telling you what you can and can't do in your own home. You also need a much bigger rent contribution, and far more clarity about how his business is doing- you can't make plans with someone whose financial position is a mystery, you need to have an in depth money talk.

You know what you need to do, it's sad it's come to this, but the respect has gone. It's not your problem where he lives.

You have your answer OP.
Your relationship can't survive with the ultimate differences in your finances and attitudes to what is right /wrong.
I don't think either of you are wrong, just fundamentally different re something so significant.
I don't agree that his intention is to rinse you.
Best of luck for whatever you decide to do.

The thing is that there are solicitors out there that for £50 will shoot out a letter on a house, making a claim on it.
They will do it and chance it.
It is easy money for them.

My friends sisters were advised, despite the claims being bullshit that it was better to get rid of them.

Some of these losers were so calculating and had kept details of every job, penny they had paid intonthe house.

When the solicitors saw the level of detail, they advised to settle.

You are being taken for a mug. Get out fast.

Just to clarify, do you mean that you wouldn't date someone who earned significantly more than you?
Do you check someone's financial status before dating them?

Interesting point.
I have never measured my respect for anyone by the number of acquired assets (or otherwise) that they have, irrespective of their age.

Do you have children @Newyearawaits ?

This waster has only been around a relatively short time though.

Wake up OP - he’s using you and you’re letting him!
Throw this one back - he’ll drag you down with him.

Yes I do. Is that relevant?

Because a man with no assets when I was single in my twenties and responsibility free - sure.

A middle aged man who has multiple children with zero assets moving in to MY and my children’s home that I own outright - yeah, never ever going to happen no matter how lovely he otherwise is

So you have to pay for an office as you WFH in your own home inconveniences him?

is that correct?

Oh dear, a Very Important Man who is too special and talented to work for someone else. He needs to get a grip and do what he needs to do to get some money coming in.

I agree that is seems materialistic to look solely at assets.

but on the other hand there are men out there, without anything behind them, who actively look for partners who bring many assets to the table.

The OPs “assets” is how this chap is able to quit his job, and pour all his energies into failing at being self employed. The cost is borne by the OP, but she isn’t involved in the decisions or business.

A chap could be the kindest most lovely of chaps but if he’s middle aged and doesn’t have a bean to his name… I am NOT moving him in to my children family’s home

Whole I understand your financial anxiety, I think you've been incredibly unfair to your partner. You've built a good life together, which was working well, until he's lost his job. He's trying the self employment route, which is incredibly tough, and now working minimum wage to support himself.

While you probably can't change how you feel, you seem incredibly immature. You should have raised your concerns with him when they started emerging, rather than letting them fester to the stage where your relationship is over.

Maybe next time learn to communicate..

Hi OP, if you lost respect that's a perfectly good reason to split up.

However, it is your choice to go on holidays etc and need another job as a result. You absolutely have the option of cutting down your own spending so that you can maintain financial security without extra work. He is not eating you out of the house is he?

You need to look at the situation from every possible angle. Is he bringing value to your life in other ways?

Just be mindful, the standard advice on Mumsnet is "get rid ". As if everything will suddenly turn rosy after that

I hope it helps

And what he pays wouldn’t reach the taxable threshold for the rent a room scheme anyway. Some of these posters are unnecessarily savage. He can’t claim he paid my mortgage because I paid it off. Under current UK law he has no claim on my house and would have a very expensive and pointless job of trying to prove otherwise

Right ok

so… what is your plan?

Sorry I meant to quote troller