DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

No. He started with more than 25k and it’s whittled down to that over the last 18 months.

No, I’ve said up thread that I’ve got exams next week. I don’t want to be dealing with break up and exams at the same time

I'm not the OP but my guess is that he knows on some level, that his days there at OP's house are numbered.

Good luck with your exams OP, hoping they go well 🙏🏻

No I'm pretty sure he senses a turn of the tide. Users are very astute to things like that lol.

He defiantly said he’d never work for anyone else again when I brought it up at the weekend. I really think he’s completely lost touch with reality

He sounds very hung up on success. I wonder if this is why he didn't want to work for another employer when he left his corporate job because it might have meant a loss of status, and also why he won't get a filler job now to make ends meet whilst he gets the "business" off the ground.
Its probably easier to say to people, I'm setting up my own business than, I lost a really good job and now I can't get another of a similar level and so I'm reduced to doing xyz.
The trouble is, he must know its not panning out and so I wonder if that's why he wanted you to work away from your home so that you wouldn't see that he didn't have any work coming in.

Glad you and your 10 year old are having a nice half term break away from all this

That sounds like a good natural deadline for him to leave by

True, but it a nice immovable date and after asking him to leave, no way could OP be expected to leave him in her home when she is not there.

Glad to hear about the holiday you've booked OP, it will give you something to look forward to after the stress of getting rid of him.

HOWEVER!! Please don't wait until then to tell him he's got to go. You need to have got rid and changed the locks BEFORE you go away.

I agree.
7 weeks is good.

Exams next week for OP (I think thats correct?) 🤔

Then he has 4 weeks to leave. More than enough time to vacate.

OP will have another 2 weeks to get her house in order /pack her case /change locks if needed.

Hope you're okay OP @BeLimeTiger

My husband decided to be self-employed when his then employer constantly dumped enormous amounts of work on him and expected him to do it all. We had a few rocky worrying months but he built up the business and contributed equally to our expenses. He travelled all over the world as well. He does have a very specific and quite rare skill set - not corporate but another professional field. He was very organised about the business paperwork and things like tax and wouldn't have dreamed of spending money hiring an office because keeping overheads low is important. He did retire in his early sixties as he had some health issues. So some people do make a success of it. It wasn't really a scalable business so it was basically creating a job for himself. If either of our children had an interest in the field he could have trained them up after they had at least got to masters level at university but it's the kind of thing that you have to have an aptitude and you either have it or you don't. One of our children did do some work in the area but threw it all away to become a doctor!

7 weeks is absolutely ridiculous IMO.
He won't go easily and will try a wear her down.
He's a mean user.
He won't want to give up his deal with her.
Two weeks and no more.

I would give him a week and then expect to extend to two, if need be. Whatever you give him, he will want to double. Giving him a month, will mean it runs in to two months whilst giving him a week, shows him that he essentially has to leave asap.