DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I would bet he was terrible at paying CMS to his ex for their children.

Even if he won the lottery, would you actually want to be with a man who you think would react like this?

It's out of season, so he should be able to easily find a cheap AirBnB to stay in for a few weeks until he finds a more permanent solution. If it were me, I'd not be giving him more than a few days to move out. Just get the timing right as to when he's "paid up to" in your home - if he pays monthly at start of month, then you may have to hold your tongue until the last week of September (which fits in with after your exams), and tell him 30/9 is his moving out day. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into giving him more than a few days to move out - get your timing right.

If you are planning on waiting for him to find somewhere… you will be waiting indefinitely.

What’s the atmosphere like at home? Are you having to share a bed with him? Is he thinking that you’re together?

100%

I think even two weeks is too long, but a month is ridiculous.

Could he be a bigger user with his remarks about start up costs.

The cheek of him using you and your home and his demands potentially costing you money for office space.

Your priority needs to be protecting your child and home from a user.

Yes, a fortnight is fair enough. Realistically, you are splitting up - you aren't going to see him after this.

He decided to impart his deep knowledge about start up costs, he clearly sees you as just ‘starting out’ as opposed to him, you know, successful and seasoned businessman.

Tosser.

Agree with above, get your exams out of the way - try not to stress over this issue until the exams are done. Having a solid plan in place will help to stop you going over this in your head.

Tell him this relationship is no longer working for you, and he has a week to organise somewhere else to live. Do not use the word "sorry" at any point.
He has that first week to get somewhere to go, allow him a second week to move his stuff out. Keep saying this relationship isn't working for you. Don't say "sorry". I think it's deep rooted within us to apologise to others, but don't.

There's caravan sites all over the UK that he can go to while he gets himself a permanent place. I do think he will have a problem with credit checks without an income or home address.

Also - does he have any credit card, bank cards registered to your address? Get an Experian check in case he gets a new credit card linked to your home and starts racking up £££. Sounds far-fetched but I've known it happen. Do this before you tell him to leave.

Essentially the relationship is over. You have different priorities. Time to cut him loose to build a solo career if he can. You’ll be happier without the stress.

He also has "grown up DC", which you mentioned in your OP. Could he land himself on them?

To be honest, sorting out his accommodation is not your problem, it is his.

"He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with..."
You're essentially describing a housemate.
Was in the same situation over 20 years ago, except he was also using my car when I was working the three jobs that I had to get to support "us". They're never going to change, and that's not your problem.
Get rid, focus on yourself and your kid. Go on a nice holiday, build memories, drop the dead weight.

It sounds like it’s over anyway OP, due to incompatibility. I’d move on with grace. My DH is self employed, has been for years, his market is tough but he earns a reasonable income. I’d find it v hard if he earned little or nothing.

The atmosphere feels strange to me, kind of like we’re tiptoeing around one another and being polite. It’s been like this since we got back from holiday at the beginning of August. There’s been no physical intimacy since then either. Normally I would bring these things into the open as I’ve cared enough to initiate difficult conversations. It’s quite telling that I haven’t.

He’s avoidant and thinks a problem swept under the carpet is a problem solved.

I know he found the holiday overwhelming (it was with a small group of family and friends) and he continued to feel overwhelmed/irritated by normal day to day things over the school holidays (tree work in the garden, the dogs making noise etc). I just didn’t have the bandwidth to be sympathetic and genuinely wondered how he managed when he had young children.

If he is paying a small ‘rent contribution’ could this be classed as him paying towards the mortgage and therefore have a claim on your house? I’d be getting some legal advice.

But he does sound like a cocklodger with a fragile ego.

I’ve booked flights to visit family abroad over October half term 😉. My little one is so excited!

I paid my mortgage off about 6 months after he moved in. I doubt he would waste what money he has left on a pointless legal battle. He would need to prove that he made a ‘significant financial contribution’ to the house and he’s done nothing of the sort

I thought op was describing a Labrador.

It never fails ro astound me how many men happily do this and expect the women to lump it.
And how many women do lump it.
My ex husbands micro brewery "business" in my shed almost led to my new business building new patios for women.
The sheer nerve and cheek of it thinking a woman will from now on support and pay for a man not to work.
He didnt sell a single pint.

Well that’s good to know. It happened to a friend so it’s always in my mind!

He actually kept his payments the same as when he was earning well, even when he was jobless and not earning (they were in the final years of study). He said he factored this in so his children don’t go without. The cynic in me now thinks that it was more the case that he could keep up the facade that he was successful.

His children are genuinely lovely and ambitious. They’re earning more than him already! I feel sorry that they’ll find out dad wasn’t as successful as he seemed.