DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I'd give him a week to move out. He's the man. He's never going to work for anyone else ever again. Why would he have any problem finding a place? He's so alpha. He's winning at life.

Choose your time carefully. You have a lot on your plate. Get your exams out of the way, but if you are going to ask him to leave after then , you need to set a date that doesnt cross into periods like birthdays significant, anniversaries , Christmas etc to avoid the violin strings being played. .

The relationship isn't working for you but clearly he needs somewhere to go. Does he have enough savings left to get a rent deposit together and is his credit rating good enough to pass a landlord credit check? Does he have friends or relatives he could stay with while he sorts himself out?

Don't forget the government is consulting on changing the law to create unmarried partners rights when relationships end ( suggesting it would apply in cases of relationships of more than 3 years) - a change in the law, if it happens probably won't happen quickly but it's something to think about ..

You might need to get a restraining order if he simply won't go so perhaps check out legal rights.

He’s only got one friend really. He’s a lovely guy and seems very loyal. He’s not close with his siblings and NC with his mum. His social bandwidth has become smaller and smaller since we’ve been together. This has also been a growing problem for me. I have friends but we rarely socialise together

if I’m honest once you have had the conversation, I would be expecting him to move out within a few days. He can stay in a hotel, sort a rental or stay with family/friends but it gets awkward and things tend to go downhill quite quickly once that conversation has been had. Not really your probable though, he needs to take care of himself.

A good rule of thumb is to make the notice period the same as the rental period. So if he pays you monthly, then 1 month. Assuming you live in the UK, you don’t need any legal documents. You can insist he leaves and force it if you want to (change locks / call police…)

If he tries to emotionally blackmail you about not being able/wanting to rent, just remember he is trying to make you rent. Even though you own your own house!

This is so difficult OP because he’s a real person with some nice qualities.

However, he’s saying he would find you using your home for your needs “intrusive” and expects you to respect his boundary and incur costs … I’d be saying that the extra space is for his convenience so he must pay for it.

If he gets offended or is “emasculated” by your needs and conversation about those needs, he is not respecting your boundaries.

Either he is able to hear your situation and discuss it considerately or he is ignoring your boundaries and needs and only considering himself, and that’s not a healthy relationship.

I didn’t sign the agreement on the office I had in mind so I think it’s gone to someone else. Someone else has got back to me and two days a week rental on that office would cost me two thirds of what my BF pays to live in my house. I was looking at it yesterday and he asked me what I was looking at. When I went through the figures he made a couple of stupid suggestions (that I offer to pay to furnish the office in exchange for free rent) and then said that ‘oh well, all businesses have start up costs’. The words nail and coffin spring to mind

@BeLimeTiger I rather think he’s taken root. His lack of friends and ability with people is definitely going to hold him back with any business venture where you are, essentially, selling yourself and your skills.

If he’s working so hard, how is he noticing what clients you have coming to your house? He’s not working in a meaningful way is he?

Notice period - get your exams out of the way and then say 2 weeks. Renting with no job and no regular income worth having will be an issue though. He needs a spare room with a mate. Oh! He doesn’t have any! Another problem.

No more than 2 weeks, he can use airb&b etc. until he finds somewhere more long term if needed.

Living together but not together for a month will become unbearable.

You have made it very clear his dream job shouldn’t financially disadvantage you yet he is telling you he would find you bringing clients home intrusive?? So you trying to make extra money in your own home is intrusive so you would have to rent a small office! No no no if it’s intrusive then he rents a small office, it’s your house.
You are the one who is stressed and feeling the strain whilst he dreams of making it big in your home and you are the one expected to rent an office so yes you are the one disadvantaged financially and mentally. You know all this deep down and have lost all patience and respect for him and your social life has shrunk due to him. He has shown his true colours about all business’s having start up costs.

he really doesn’t understand or seem to care about the position his expectation is putting you in.

I’d tell him start-ups notoriously take up space at home until they can afford other space and your home is going to be that space. If he needs less intrusion it’s a cost he can meet by renting his own escape pod.

Good luck.

Greetings everyone I’ve been reading this article and your partner is a bit of a dick I went self employed and just do a prenup so he can’t touch shy of your assets I was more than happy to do it mainly because I love my partner so I wanted to protect her if it went wrong it did but that’s another story

He can get an Airbnb. Don't tie yourself up in knots about where he will go.

Where he lives or what he can afford is not your problem, he has refused to listen to sense or acknowledge reality, let alone the cost to your peace of mind and purse. This will be where he learns the consequences that dreams do not pay the bills.
He will try to guilt you and call you money grabbing.
He will get very nasty.
He will bargain with you to give him another year.
He will try to pull on every heartstring, even threaten suicide because he needs someone financially stable with their own home to house and cushion him from reality.
He is a cocklodger!
You need to concentrate on your exams coming up so leave him be until afterwards.

"Cocklodger" my first time hearing this 😂 Indeed, he needs to go. But I worry about OP's safety I hope the man doesn't take it too hard or get angry at her (and do something evil) for asking him to leave

It saddens me when a lot of financially stable women put themselves through hell for these types of men.

I hope you stay safe OP I just know a lot of cases of men acting violent when these things happen.

Him being "uncomfortable" having YOUR clients in YOUR house is him being an entitled twat to be honest

Hold on there when you love someone you take the rough with the smooth it’s fucking hard work starting your own business I didn’t have a day off for 2 years when I started mine and that’s long hours as well but I paid my way and your partner needs to. If he can’t afford to pay half then he needs to accept he dont get half of everything as for telling you what you can and can’t do in your house no no no he needs to respect you more than that sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation and set clear boundaries good luck

Humm green grass gold it cuts both ways if the boot was on the other foot if my company had been successful then my partner could of left and took half of it with out doing a thing as my friends ex wife did it nearly ruined him while she had a new house and took the kids and moved her lover in to rub salt in the wounds men have feelings to

I think two weeks is fair. There is nothing he can arrange in three or four weeks that he couldn’t arrange in two.

And shorter is better because you can reasonably expect his reaction to be immature, so it’s crucial to limit the impact of that on you and your son.

I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big.

Thats what my twin braggerdocio brother did embarking on some flash in the pan business pie in the sky (which went downhill and burnt all of us) and took dad's money and mine and spouted it up the chimney i m talking five figures. He's still asking dad for money and in late 50's. Never learns always a donkey and have told dad do not give another penny to him. Forced to sell his rental property now to pay me back and also to live off his non existent salary.

And he is egotistical pigheaded idiot who swears and profanity at others while protecting himself.
I wanted to get this off my chest and makes me feel better 😊

Setting up a business doesn’t have to be 100% work. My dh didn’t work all hours and was very successful. It’s a case of working smart and putting in boundaries. We had holidays - but he had a partner and that’s such a bonus.

Yes, I’ve no doubt I would have got everything I deserved if we had split but I did nearly everything to keep the family going on a day to day basis! I worked on everything he didn’t do.

So am I right in thinking that he works from your home, but he won’t let you see clients in your own home as he finds that intrusive so you would need to rent an external office? Really?

That’s really sad OP. It sounds like he needs professional help to deal with that rift, Psychotherapy like psychodynamic therapy to help with deep rooted subconscious patterns.

It sounds like you’re becoming his mother, he’s depending on you and you’re not socialising together. Something is unbalanced. He may have felt safe enough with you to revert back to being a little boy but he needs to learn to parent himself. How tragic. He needs help, professional help and you need to lay down some boundaries. ❤️ this is not your problem to solve. Once he’s got help - and a job! You could look at trying again but if he’s avoidant that’s going to be a tough nut to crack. I wouldn’t hold out much hope.