DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Oh god, this brings back nightmares of ex husband. Had a good job when we got married. Our earnings were 50:50. Few years later he got made redundant. Big pay out, about a year salary. He wanted to set up his own consultancy. I thought ok he could become a decent consultant. Next thing i know he's working with a mate to create an app. Nothing to do with the agreed consultancy. This went on for a year, the money ran out. Zero income made, loss making. I had to burst his bubble and give him an ultimatum. What a waste of time and money. We could have paid off a huge chunk of our mortgage if he had gone straight into another job.
Op i would not put up with this fantasy. You have lost respect for him so i think it's probably broken. He wont go quietly but you need to rip off the bandaid once you have sat your exams

Firstly, good luck with your exams.

I am very glad you are seeing the light with this man OP, you are doing well in life through your own efforts and along comes this cocklodger to try to derail you and coast on your success.

The people I respect are the ones who go to work year after year, often to jobs they hate, to do what is necessary in supporting themselves and their loved ones. Yet this man grandiosely declaims that he 'won't work for anyone ever again' - no, he will live off you instead and take resources that should be for you and your DC. The audacity of his pushing you out of your own home to pay for a rented space to work in to earn money he is living off, and then shutting you down with accusations and guilt tripping when you try to discuss your legitimate concerns; it shows what a number he is pulling on you. Be prepared for more of the same when you get rid of him.

do not marry or buy a house with this man. Also be aware a new law will be apparently coming out helping people who have lived together for 3 or more years to claim on the home etc, I don’t know the full details but be hugely aware as this is your child’s future.

He sounds like a cheeky c@ck lodg&r. Careful.

you have worked too hard to lose it over him who has no assets. See a lawyer to protect yourself.

He's emasculating himself ! Then he criticises you for emasculating him = YOU (in his mind) making him feel like a victim . Text book narcissism. His ego needs to be 'fed ' You are the current feeder. Having your clients in will feel invasive to him .... I BET IT BLOODY WOULD !

Write a list of what you’re worried about. First 5 points:

1. He’ll never support himself again
2. You’ll end up financing him
3. You’ll be stressed about money
4. If you split he gets a bit of house
5. He’ll hang round the house all day for the next 45 years.

Some women wouldn’t mind but if you’ve told him & he’s blanked you, freaking you out further, read out the list.

You don’t sound like he’s the love of your life, so give him a chance to move on.

See clients at home whenever you need and want to. He has no say as he's a guest that has overstayed his welcome.

I’m struggling to see why you keep asking about JSA. I’m pretty sure you need to be looking for jobs, not claiming it while you start a business

Well you do, but it's easy enough to mock up a spreadsheet with all the "opportunities" you've applied for this week. However, you still have to sign on every week in person, and you only get it for 6 months anyway.

But that's made me think ... has he been paying voluntary NI ? Because if he hasn't that will affect his entitlement to state pension.

@BeLimeTiger I won't bore you with the whole story, but I had a husband who gave up his job to run his own business, had me spend £50,000 building and kitting out a workshop for him ... but never made anything much from it. Wanted me to spend my weekends sitting in craft fairs to sell £30 or £40 worth of hand made goods when I was working full time.

Anyway, I wish you well with this, whatever you decide.

@Supersimkin7 He won’t get a bit of her house. They aren’t married and the house isn’t in his name or had any capital transferred to him. However I’d deal with this before any separation rules are changed for cohabiting couples. It’s on the cards.

I have to eat shit in a corporate job I hate because I earn all the money. He needs to get over himself. By all means give him more time, nothing wrong with loving a loser. But he can hardly be that surprised that his approach to earning a living is not popular with you.

Don’t be me, OP. I let a selfish boyfriend/ cocklodger stay for years. The joy I felt when I finally got angry enough to throw him out was immense. Such a relief, like breathing again when you’ve been underwater.
I feel for yours, as I have also freelanced in difficult conditions. But I finally applied for a job again, and returned to earning a steady wage. He just has to be realistic.

Do not rent an office space!!

It is the end. Your boyfriend seems to think he’s in a place to dictate what happens in your home. He mistakes his peppercorn rent for a 50% vote. He doesn’t want to be verbally emasculated, but has no issue enjoying the comfort of being supported by a woman brings.

He needs to go back to his mothers house and live out his “never working for someone the” dreams back where he started.

If the house is yours, you should be able to
see your clients in it and save the money you are having to spend on the office space. He doesn’t get a say since he is not paying equally for the house.

Be careful because haven’t laws changed recently? So that if a pathetic looser hangs around in your house for long enough, they have a claim to some of your assets? 🙀

I agree with you OP, with exams next week I wouldn't be initiating anything til then. There's nothing to gain from doing this before your exams and plenty to lose.

Exactly 💯 he can live out his self employed dream at his own expense. And to tell you that YOU need to rent somewhere because HE doesn't like seeing people in YOUR house is b🤮😡 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
and DARVO'ing with the emasculating thing. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

If he loves you for you then he will have this relationship from two houses.

I’m going to give you the best advice: drum roll ….

1. do not partner up with anyone with less money than you. Because whenever it goes tits up, the better off partner will lose all their money whilst the poorer person cashes in by doing nothing.
2. Since you are financially careful, when you are in your next relationship, do not ask the guy to pay rent as it’s totally emasculating and makes him see you as tough old landlady, instead of sexy girlfriend.
3. Do not introduce new partners to your kids unless you have dated at least a year and you know your other half has passed all kinds of tests, ie financial tests, self-sufficiency tests, health tests, mental health tests, criminal and financial background checks.

sigh … every week there’s a cocklodger story. Join the queue sunny Jim.

PS - in a year you will find him shelf stacking in Tesco, or sharing a HMO with some illegals, forever on the dole.

I'd emasculate his sorry arse right out of my house.

😂

It sounds like a midlife crisis. But his midlife crisis is not your crisis. He is acting irresponsibly and freeloading off you. In a way that is facilitating his ‘dream’ (aka delusion of ‘making it big’ outside of the rat race), . It’s a shambles that he only has £25k to show from his lifetime assets.he is hoping his gravy train will continue as long as possible. Maybe he was hoping for boiling frog syndrome…hoping he had his feet under the table and that you wouldn’t notice or would just accept his increasing boundary erosion. He will get defensive to protect his cushy position. He doesn’t respect you I’m sad to say. Nor does he respect himself.

I think you should give him an ultimatum whilst you are undertaking your exams- this uses that time effectively. Don’t end it until your exams are done. Then work out how to get him gone. Then do it and rip the player off. Do it brutally - change locks whilst he is out, bag up his stuff and put it on the lawn. Don’t open the door to him. He must have friends and family he can freeload off for a bit while he diets himself out. But that’s not your problem. Get a male friend or family member to come over while you do this. So he clears off. Then you can lick your wounds, take some time to recover then move on with the rest of your life without that millstone around your neck x

Flashbacks! They actually did this idea in Sabrina the Teenage Witch only she had to dress as the grim reaper to deliver the news. Ahh that was a great show.

I will definitely wait until after my exams but I’m sure he’s picking up that something is wrong. He’s avoidant so unlikely to take the first steps to initiate an open conversation about the argument we had over the weekend.

What is a reasonable time frame to ask someone to move out? Two weeks isn’t very long and a month seems way too long. I’m not going to bag up his belongings and change the locks as some people have suggested.

I will need to give him a time frame, and stick to it. I’m prepared for the accusations, bargaining and guilt tripping but it’s going to be hard

I would be as fair as possible, but a month is hard on you both. Does he have friends?

Something similar happened to me. I understand how you lose respect when your partner fails. It’s sad but without trust and respect love just isn’t enough. Good luck