DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I do think that it is human nature to take any advantage or benefit for granted very quickly (we should all try to guard against it of course).
I also think that women would dominate & exploit men if they could, it's just much easier for men to do it to us than vice-versa. They usually get in first leaving us intimidated & on the back foot.

Yes, I absolutely second this. My stbxh spent £1000s and earned maybe a couple of grand over 5 years of "running" his business. Refused to do a business plan, refused to market his business IRL, spent years playing around on Facebook. Complete waste of time and money. Said recently he'd "like to get back into it", oh how I laughed 😂

Why did he lose his previous job?

Missed the bit about the exams, I just can’t wait for you to get your house back.

You have a gas lighting cocklodger in your midst. He needs to move out, he isn’t for you. This will drive you crazy and eventually destroy the relationship. He is financially irresponsible and it won’t change.

Also, beware any man that thinks he can make a fortune as a "life coach".
I would never ever go to a life coach for advice as most that I've known don't have their own life's in order!

if he wants to stay he has to get a job. Otherwise get rid of him.

I'm possibly on thin ice because I also have a "cool person job" that pays "erratically" and so does DH but in our defence we have a small mortgage plus a buy to let and even we manage to get contractor/interim roles as well as the cool stuff to pay the bills. Your boyfriend sounds like Jez from Peep Show.

Good luck with your exams OP.

He's not for you or your important principles. He's taking advantage of your caring nature
Get rid !!!!!

There’s nothing wrong at all with being self employed ‘if’ it works financially - my H is and has been for 26 years but it makes us a good living - enough for me to work in it too as the ‘back end ‘ some people have very sneery tone about it - in your case OP it’s not working

I dunno....after divorces a lot of men are left up shit creek without a paddle.

So his "business" is a hobby then? It won't be long before he can't give you any money at all or he will be complaining about what you are spending your own money on.

How dare he tell you what to do in your own home! I'd tell him to go. You've already got one child you need to support.

So he’s paying a pittance to live in YOUR home while he indulges his childish dreams of never working for anyone again (ie he’s lazy and undisciplined and doesn’t like being told so) and playing at being self employed.
He wants you to rent office space at cost to you even although you have space for this at home but he finds it intrusive. In YOUR home.
Nah, fuck that. Get rid of this enormous cocklodging manchild.

No money coming in for 6 months from his business is not a business. Does he have a plan?

I don't blame you, it would be over for me too

What a ridiculous comment.

This. 💯🎯
Time to throw this one back OP.

@MidnightMeltdown Possibly he’d lived with another woman who wanted him out? I don’t understand why he doesn’t get a job.

I feel like you used a lot of words to tell us there is a very rude man living in your house and he actually expects you to see clients outside because it inconveniences him!!!

What am I even reading?

Hobosexual 😂😂😂

Are you completely bonkers OP or just desperate?
Today's world, where women have achieved security by their own efforts and acumen, is full of useless blokes looking not only for a free ride, but also control of the decision making!
I once kicked a guy into touch because he had the nerve to leave a pair of shoes in my home while he went to the pub for the day!
Insist he leaves, if he truly loves you and not just what you provide for him, he'll work on winning you back. Good luck.

Wow. You have been more than fair. He gets defensive when you raise this topic because he is embarrassed and guilty and also - crucially - because it’s a quick way to shut the conversation down.

He will say hurtful things when you ask him to move out after your exam. Try to shake them off. @bigboykitty covered it all perfectly - don’t get sucked into ‘just another month’, lending money, being a guarantor or storing his belongings. Clean break for your sake.

You’re also role modelling to your son that everyone needs a sense of purpose and personal responsibility in life - we don’t just get to coast along on our dreams (while someone else pays the bills).

I married someone similar a long time ago.

News flash: he hasn’t changed, if anything he has got worse. He’s got more defensive and less employable as the years pass us by.

I’m sorry but your partner is not going to change either. He will never put you first, take your concerns onboard, get a low paying job just to make a contribution, etc. He going to continue with his creative finger up his creative backside and produce little for all his efforts.

Get your exams done, get legal advice and call it a day. You sound like you have your head screwed on, move on while you can. Good luck.

It is so odd how so many turn into Mr Billy Big Bollocks at that age. If he hasn't earned anything in the past six months then common sense should tell him he won't earn anything in the next six months. He'd be far better cutting his losses and going back to a regular job.

I don't blame you for refusing to fund this any longer.

I'd LTB for the new hair do alone.

@BeLimeTiger Despite the poker face.. I think you need to do your best to postpone the conversation until after your exams.

Dont let this derail you.

It seems you've made your decision and have very clear reasons.

I thought when I read that he's allowed to use your home as his business HQ, whilst paying only a token rent, but he would find you doing the same "intrusive" and thinks that paying more than half his "rent" for an office space for you is a great deal - My first thought that all the money you'd be spending on an office space because he's decided that is what has to happen, is money that could be going into your son's college fund or future housing deposit or into your pension.
That clearly expresses who he thinks the VIP is. He doesn't see you as an equal. You have a supporting role in his movie.

Best of luck in your exams. I hope you have an amicable resolution to this. x