DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

If he's been trying this for 18 months and has had no takers at all for the last six, then it is clear that either there is no call for the sort of thing he does, he's not trying hard enough to find clients, he's pricing himself out of the market, or that basically the work is there but nobody wants to pay him to do it
@Cotopaxi I'd say he's pretending to set up a business, just playing at it. He doesn't want to work hard at it because then he'd lose his leisurely lifestyle, it's an act designed to keep him on the gravy train for as long as possible.

@BeLimeTiger What earning power? He’s not earning anything! Next to no savings too. They were not reasonable savings!

Being in your 40s and not owning a home is a red flag. Dump him and find someone who has got their shit together. You need an equal partner, not another dependent.

Here's my quickie business idea. Go around the country as the Bearer of Bad Tidings to these cocklodging entrepeneurs/consultants/whatever they call themselves and tell them their partner is sick of their lazy jobless ass spending their time avoiding work sucking their partner dry and it's time to pack up and hit the road. Serve papers as needed. Carry a CaneClub, another business idea.

On what planet does this man live that he thinks he has the luxury of deciding he can wait until he’s able to be self employed before he works. Deciding you’ll never work for a boss again while not being ready to start a self employed business is childish. He needs to work anywhere and stop using being emasculated as an excuse. He’s draining you and I just think you’ll feel a massive relief when he’s out of your life. Then you’ll be able to work from home (I would be doing that already no matter his opinion), without having him in the background making you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You’re not btw. You’re right. Lose the dead weight of your sponging partner and you’ll be happier 🙂

You don’t owe this man anything.he can rent a room somewhere or live with friends/family.
why waste money renting office space when you can see clients in your own home?
good luck

God knows how you can stand him sponging off you @BeLimeTiger. He's a common or garden cocklodger !

i feel your pain & frustration!! It’s definitely time for him to go. He’s using you as a cash cow , gave up a great job as he no longer had big monthly outgoings & knew he could rely on you financially…. While having no future savings. It sounds like his financial situation when he moved in was appealing to you & understandably now it’s not. If he’s a good guy otherwise, then no reason to break up while accepting that his finances might never be what you’d accept. But definitely move him out before it gets any worse. He might moan that he can’t afford to live alone now that he’s barely working, you’ll need to set strong boundaries & if he breaks up with you it’ll confirm he’s just been using you all along

My guess is that the OP will have tried working from home whilst her partner was there, he'll have been moody and disruptive or otherwise made it difficult/uncomfortable for her, so she felt she had to organize a private workspace.
Keeping up a constant but low level pressure like that can be an effective form of sabotage, the victim is constantly wondering if they are over reacting, etc.

To be fair you did start a thread about whether he could claim universal credit post him being made redundant

He needs to find a flat.

exactly

he is in his late forties and has, to all intents and purposes, for the last 18 months, achieved the square root of zero.

I don’t imagine employers will be climbing over themselves to hire him

Oh he won’t be able to afford one

Probably shuffle on back to his aged parents

Time to break up with him. He doesn't want you to see clients in your home that you own? He who is not working? Lol that is funny. Curb this one right away. Hopefully he will leave without a fight......

Not when he is a moocher

Some men of a certain age often seem deluded about who should be paying their wages and how to step down to a less well paid role.

Its common, I don't know if there are any men's groups that focus on this, but maybe your live's are beyond this.

So he works on HIS business in YOUR home, but you need to rent office space as he doesn't feel comfortable with you inviting clients to YOUR house
He is laughing at you

And especially if you have young kids

This was the bit that jumped out at me too! The cheek! He does what you tell him in your house!

My DH was made redundant, same time as I was, but I got another corporate job v quickly and he decided to retrain and set up a business. It wasn’t really a discussion despite me trying many times. However eventually it did pay off. He’s built a successful business. BUT, it took about 5 years to be profitable and longer to be earning anything like he was before. He admits now it was selfish but at the time thought it was the best plan for his future. I’m still on the fence!

Oh my God, you're a genius.

Hmmm, if he leaves, then you don’t have to share your life with a waster and don’t have to rent any office space either!

He can only ‘not ever work for someone else ever again’ if you bankroll him! What a total turn off!

So, you have to rent an office because you can't see clients at home because he's there, whereas I assume previously you had clients visit you at home?
HE should be the one renting an office! And he should be doing deliveroo or amazon or something to actually pay his bills while his self-employed thing takes off (or, not).

When she met him, he was working a corporate job, how was she supposed to know? He, himself, probably didn't know. If a woman lost her job and was working towards her dream, you wouldn't advise a man to kick her out.

The fact that he was in his mid forties and was supposedly in a great job but… no assets it would seem