DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I had the same experience many years ago with my ex. He got made redundant , was devasted, and went self employed consultancy as an act of bravado, but it took 2 years to build up relationships with agencies and another 2 years before he started earning something like what he used to, but there were large gaps of unemployment between assignments, in which he contributed nothing financially .

Those 4 years were extremely stressful to me as we had children at uni who didn't qualify for full loans so I was having to fund virtually everything out of my income . He was also very fussy about who he would actually accept assignments from ( as he wouldnt work anywhere connected with his former employer) nor was he repared to travel to assignments.

This was before COVID when working from home was uncommon. The worse part was the delusional clap trap he came out with at family and friends social events about how marvelous being his own boss was, with no credit being given to me for the financial support that required.

We did eventually separate, and ironically that was the kick up the backside he needed to make a go of consultancy work.

He is actually doing very well financially now whereas I'm semi retired with no real savings since I had to dip into them to prop up the family. But I'm now, after a period of adjustment much happier on own in control of rebuilding my life and own finances in the hope of a more comfortable retirement in the not too distant future.

What I can say is that, with hindsight, the deadweight of a deluded adult was dragging me down mentally, and I didn't realise the strain I was under. I did end up with depression for a while before I dug myself out of the black hole

Around here, they call themselves entrepreneurs and have lots of meetings that nothing ever comes from, much less profit. And no business plan. 🙄

Everybody I know who has set up their own business - including my friend's 19 year old son who had very few outgoings and was still living at home and could work from home, continued to work in a job for somebody else until the business started to regularly make steady money. He's taking the piss saying he's never going to work for anybody else and thinking you're going to support that and him leaching off you. I think you'll find you're going to have to mate, to pay the rent on your new accommodation.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Yes, I think his adult children probably think he’s made it in life, working for himself and time to go running in the morning and the gym at lunchtime. He loves dishing out business advice to other people or tell them about how wonderful being your own boss is. I just can’t face it anymore. I really do wish him well but the last 18 months have taken a toll on me. I’m very grateful we don’t share children or property

OP when are you going to tell him to leave

Yup, same with most of my more successful clients, many of whom set up their self employment/business alongside their "proper" job, working evenings and weekends, etc., until it reached the "critical mass" of customers etc that they could afford to give up their proper job and start working full time in the business/self employment. Yes, it's hard, but it means you can make sensible decisions safe in the knowledge that your bills are being paid etc., rather than make knee-jerk reactions out of desperation when you need to take on a "problem" client just to pay the rent at the end of the month, who then drags you down with unreasonable demands, slow payment etc. With the "comfort blanket" of a regular wage, you don't need to make those mistakes and can concentrate on quality goods/services/customers/systems etc that are more sustainable long term.

The most successful business owner I know, who sold out to a multi national for £20 million, started working evenings and weekends in a workshop he set up in his garage on a shoestring. He spent a couple of years developing a product that was unique, got it trademarked and patented and then only gave up work when he had a fully working product with a factory and customers all set up!

I wonder how full of advice Walter Mitty will be when he's no longer bankrolled by the OP.
Unfortunately you should probably prepare yourself for him blaming his failure on you OP.

Going running and to the gym? Working hard then!

Fucking hell, he sounds insufferable. Can I tell him? I'm in a bad mood and it would really cheer me up.

Honestly OP, how have you allowed this to go on.

He is an ego driven covert narcissist.
Bullshitting his success whilst he lives off a single parent.

Can you really not see how you are 100% being used as a prop for his life.

Unbelievable.

He came to the table in his mid forties with no assets Op. I don’t think there was ever much potential

How do you get on with his adult DC. I don’t suppose he helps them out ever? Or has a penny savings for their future.

OP I asked up thread…I would bet he’s claiming job seekers

So simply a self aggrandising liar, too.

Portraying himself as a successfull businenessman and dishing out advise.

You, the one enabling all of it, get no credit.

Reminds me of this:

And who is paying for his gym membership, I wonder!

Have you decided to bite the bullet and tell him it’s over?

It really isn't all that hard to take your skills and make a go of self-employment. I did it for 15 years. Whilst on mat leave and idly thinking about going back to work part-time, a friend of mine with his own business asked if I knew of anyone who did accounts/consultancy for small businesses. Yes I did, funnily enough. Me.

Started out with one client a few hours a week, and gradually built it up bit by bit adding more as I went. It really wasn't hard finding clients at all, and it got to the stage where I could pick and choose who I wanted to take on.

If he's been trying this for 18 months and has had no takers at all for the last six, then it is clear that either there is no call for the sort of thing he does, he's not trying hard enough to find clients, he's pricing himself out of the market, or that basically the work is there but nobody wants to pay him to do it.

His DC are young adults and they’re absolutely lovely.

How would he be claiming job seekers? He wouldn’t be able to prove that he’s been applying for jobs over the last 18 months. He recently started some flexible work on minimum wage after he approached a local business. I’m struggling to see why you keep asking about JSA. I’m pretty sure you need to be looking for jobs, not claiming it while you start a business

You would know anyway, and you probably earn too much for him to be entitled to anything.

Why is every single hard working, homeowning woman on here shacked up with a loser? A lesson, ladies!

Oh and watch out- as soon as his business takes off he'll be off in a shot. He's simply using you for cheap housing.

I wouldn't hold your breath for this though

@BeLimeTiger

So you had that 'Come to Jesus' talk 6 months ago? Well then he's been warned, time's up. If you don't tell him to leave on that date in your diary he will know he's got it made and he will never get his financial house in order.

And so what if he says you 'aren't supportive', you 'don't care', you're 'thinking only of money'? Personally my response to that would be total agreement and a big "And so what if I am? I need to consider my own security and my own finances before I think about yours".

Any way you look at it this relationship is going to end. Either he'll end it now when you kick him out or you'll end it later when you've ruined your own finances and can no longer 'afford him'. I know which I'd choose!

This. Are you afraid to ask him to leave?

Give her a break, she has important professional exams this week, she'll deal with the cocklodger after she's through with them.

No I’m not afraid. As discussed earlier in the thread I have professional exams next week and I’m focusing on them. Having said that, I’ve got a terrible poker face and if he initiates a conversation about the future of the relationship I’ll be straight with him

If he initiates this conversation before your exams, you simply cut him dead and remind him that you are focussed on your exams this week and that you're happy to have the conversation after that.