DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

I imagine he wants you to get an office outside of the home so that you can't see for yourself how little he actually does all day. With you out of the way in an office, he's free to play video games and wank himself into oblivion.

Sounds like he's settling in for a nice life of freeloading off you.

Maybe if he was your husband and the father of your child and you had 'built a life together' over many years, you'd be willing to give him a bit more grace. But as it stands, this is a relatively new relationship, you've no financial or legal ties to each other and since you met, things have actually gone backwards in terms of what he's able to offer in terms of equal partnership.

Get him gone out of yours and your son's house. He's not your problem.

Same, single mum with a career though I don't own my house and as soon as my ex moved in he refused to contribute, quit his job then wouldn't leave.

I had similar business experience (as a previous poster) working with mostly men in their 40s who were starting their own business after Corporate life.

Rarely did I see any success and most were delusional about the reality of their financial situation. It was so common that I wondered if there was a midlife stage that affected some men...some hormonal imbalance where they weren't quite in touch with reality. "This time next year Rodney we'll be millionaires" 😀

Op, it's absolutely ok to end a relationship due to incompatibility over finances. Money and values around money is important in a relationship. You could both live for another 40 years and to achieve your dream you need to have a partner who has the means to join you in those plans.

If he was in his 20s he would have time to coast financially but his 40s are when he needs to pay into pensions and accrue savings...not living off savings.

General rule is: don't give up a salaried role until the self employed gig is paying you similar on a regular basis...or give it 6months to try a new business, if it doesn't work by then you accept it's more of a hobby than a full time job.

Its just soul destroying watching them make bad decision after bad decision! My future self will thank me for ending it

He keeps telling me that he wants to be self employed because he’s ’done his time’ in corporate life. Maybe if we’d been together 25 years and he’d contributed towards family finances I would see things a bit differently

He is paying his way at the moment, but I wonder what will happen when his money runs out. He won't have savings to fall back on, and he won't be earning anything.

That would drive me up the wall OP. He's done his time, yet he's got feck all to show for it so you have to press on and provide the comfy house.

It's not going to get better.

So he’s got 25k left on savings to contribute towards bills and life at the moment?

Is his business covering costs at least.

Absolutely this

I would bet he’s been claiming job seekers

Thank you, that’s a really balanced and grounded post. I really think that this is some sort of midlife crisis (he even grew his hair long and dyed it!) and some of what he says makes me seriously question whether he’s lost touch with reality. I think his lack of ability to ask for and take on board feedback means that he’s been stuck in his own echo chamber for the last 18 months.

Presumably he had a lot of savings if you were planning to buy somewhere together in the next few years? Or you were planning to work into your mid seventies

It sounds like he's turned into a corporate version of a surfer dude, except he's not living in a VW camper van in a layby in Cornwall, he's living with you.

Zero earnings from the business since a couple of very part time contracts ended in March. He recently started doing a minimum wage job where he is technically self employed and can chose his hours. It wouldn’t be enough for him to rent a one bedroom flat in this area, a house share probably

I think some people can make a good living as self-employed consultants but of course if it was that easy everyone would do it! The issue is that he hasn't worked out the fact that this won't happen and so he needs to find a way to get a job and earn some money.

Unfortunately he seems to be treating living with you as a chance to just hang loose dye his hair and wait for the money to come in.

Oh God , I had one of these . Going to be his own boss shite . Even got on a government backed scheme to promote businesses in the area. Provided him with office space , laptop, printers, etc .Nothing to show for it at the end but about 500 business cards for his made up company .

Fuck him and his pretend job out the door.

And he grew his hair long and dyed it? OMG I think @Cotopaxi has got it dead right with the surfer dude type.

I mean he must have had quite a lot of savings to start with if he’s been using them for 18 months and still has £25k left. But that’s only feasible because you’re paying much more.

I still come back to the “you must rent an office for more £ than I contribute everything month because I just fancy it” - there is NO possible justification for that, it’s just a complete indulgence. Being rubbish at business is one thing but asking your partner to subsidise your weird preferences is a piss take.

With his earning power and reasonable savings, we had the potential to create a good, stable future together. He’s allowed all of that to slip though his fingers

Yup, far more common than people realise. Lots of them parading around as if they're the next Richard Branson, going to business network meetings, leasing a top of the range car, renting a "posh" office, but absolutely nothing of substance behind the image, and they crash and burn within a year or two when the money runs out.

Not just men either. We had a woman in our village who managed to win a "women in business" award, but when I looked at her accounts on Companies House, it was, literally, nothing. Her "business" was basically fur coat and no knickers - top of the range website, rented posh office, etc., but there was no substance to any of it. I'm sure she actually had the best of intentions and wasn't just a con-artist, but it never went anywhere. All disappeared with a whimper a year or two later and she went back to being a SAHM. Website taken down, office vacated, limited company struck off, etc.

This made me lol. I’m sorry, I’m sure it was really awful for you at the time. Not one poster has talked about a success story in this situation. 18 months of almost fuck all and then it all paid off wonderfully in the end. It all feels very ego driven doesn’t it?

It is soul destroying, it caused so much worry and unslept nights (i sleep like a log no matter what usually), then rage because no amount of rational (or emotionally charged) discussions were making any difference and he was adamant all i need to do is believe in him and support him.

And we have 2 kids, too.

I don’t know what goes on in their heads, whether it’s ego, mental health/midlife crisis/lazyness or something else. But it’s horrible to live with.

His ex girlfriend was the same I think. She set herself up as some sort of high end business development guru after doing a six week course. She was a self employed beauty Therapist working from home. They drove expensive cars that they didn’t own and went on flashy holidays. All fur coat and no knickers as you say

Yup, exactly that, there’s still piles of business cards and pens with his logos around the house cropping up now and then and making their way to the bin.

All smoke and mirrors.

I could’ve written this myself. I can identify with the sleepless nights, worry, anger and resentment. He gets so defensive, no matter how I bring it up. I put my cards on the table six months ago and put a date in my diary which happens to fall on this week. All I have done is observe any meaningful change and there’s been none. It will never change

It will never change. I think at this point they fall for sunken cost fallacy too - they’ve sank all their savings/exhausted government grants/got themselves into debt so surely, surely this means the millions are just around the corner, if they persevere for longer.

Stepping away and actually getting a job to support the family to them is way more emasculating than e.g. using you to prop them up.

Mind boggles.