Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

But he KNOWS, as much as he can, that it's his baby.

If there is no doubt in his mind, then he'd go to a solicitor and get this stopped

Yes. It's irrelevant whether she was married or not. He is the one married to the OP. Her being a 'Bad Person' does not mean he can ignore his child

What good would that be?

This, they are both awful people. I’m sorry OP. I doubt she can force him though as presumably she already would have.
Hideous.

Interesting isn’t it that if this was a criminal case it would be a case of that the prosecution had to prove that the person was guilty.

And yet because it’s not, people expect the accused (i.e. the OP’s DH here) to prove that he’s innocent. And that if he refuses to engage, then clearly he has something to hide.

Why should a woman just randomly be able to send a DNA test to a man and demand that he do it and he should have to justify himself

Personally this sounds like some kind of scam to me. The woman hasn’t even contacted him herself, has just had a solicitor send a letter? Yeah right.

I’d be doing some digging first. Find out who this solicitor is. Find out what the demand is, and then, and only then, I would write back and agree to the DNA test, on the condition that the mother brings the child over to the UK and the test be conducted at a court certified clinic.

There is absolutely no way I would agree to do a DNA test through a random solicitor contact in a country whose practices are unknown. Anyone who agreed to that would be stupid in the extreme. And anyone who thinks that a man should agree to it on the basis he has nothing to hide is naive.

If the woman has nothing to hide then she’ll agree won’t she? Of course she will.

The burden of proof is actually on her not him. She’s the one who’s been shagging around and getting pregnant. She’s actually far more responsible than he is.

Her husband is mean and controlling… he’s maybe got some paranoid suspicion that the child isn’t his and is blaming whatever bloke/s she’s ever spoken to. To humiliate her. Your husband should not engage.

I agree that if the DH is as bad as OP suggests then this could definitely be his handy work.

Perhaps he’s jealous of DH and his wife’s friendship and so wants to drive a wedge between them.
Or maybe he’s convinced they had an affair and he wants to force DH to come clean, even if he knows he’s the dad.

But if I was the DH I would definitely want to prove my innocence to OP.
He will know how this looks and how OP will never be able to get over this without proof.

dna test results wouldn't matter for your marriage really because even if he's not the father, that wouldn't prove he hadn't slept with her. So I'd want to ask the woman why she's requested this test, then go with my gut.
Dh could be refusing because he's outraged at the very idea or because he's guilty. Both are plausible.
Another thought, she could be trying to prove innocence to her husband if he's an abusive man.
I'd have to ring her up.
Sorry op your head must be spinning.

OP, you have said several times that you "know what it's about" ..... what do you mean?

You'd share your children's DNA profile with a private foreign company?

Even as the husband in this situation the whole thing sounds extremely dodgy. God knows what someone can do with that information. I'd be reluctant to send a DNA sample to some private company. I'd seek legal advice but I would be sending a sample. How do you know they can be trusted to process the results correctly? Do yo know enough about French law to know how those samples will be used? Or even if they can be shared. You'll probably be asked to sign some form written in french.

I think OP knows that her husband slept with this woman, or at least had her suspicions at the time.

Why would it be an evil request though? If the woman had sex with OP's husband and her own husband found out the child wasn't his, it wouldn't be 'evil' to want to find the true father.

She's not a random woman, she's his ex affair partner and pregnancy is always a possibility when you sleep with someone. How many people she may have slept with is irrelevant.

Her 'morals' or otherwise is irrelevant. It doesn't mean he can ignore a child he fathered. Usually abusive man are charming to outsiders so the fact he wasnt even trying to hide he's nasty is a huge red flag.

"It would be a very odd scam and not entirely sure how it could be one. "

This was my thought as well. I'm really not sure what sort of "scam" could take place.

From the OP

"Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post."

This sounds very much like it is heading towards that foreign country's equivalent of a British declaration of parentage court application.

Here, it goes to an accredited laboratory where cheek swabs under supervised conditions are taken to verify identities and maintain a strict chain of custody.

So, for example, that would stop somebody else purporting to be your DH turning up and taking the test instead of him.

I presume something similar would be the situation in that foreign country as well.

I really don't see what sort of scam there could be. Am I being naive?

Well, taking the test could prove you are not the father of the child. But it implies that one accepts the pre-text - that you did sleep with the other woman.

You wouldn't send a paternity test to someone if you didn't think there was a reasonable chance they were the father whch means either she knows she has slept with him, or her husband thinks she has and she's doing this to 'prove' she didn't.

I couldn't just sit on that question for the rest of my marriage. I would contact her and ask for her side of the story and to find out why she is asking, is it financial, is she newly single and struggling, does she want him to have a relationship with his child, is it for a medical reason etc? How how is the child and what was the history of their connection? Those questions would drive me crazy!

I think OP and her DH know he slept with her so I dont think thats the question anymore. It's him trying to pretend he couldn't possibly be the father.

"if your DH refuses to comly with the request for a paternity test could he be compelled to by a court?"

Not in the UK. A court can request that he does but cannot compel him.

However, if he does refuse to take a court ordered test then the court can draw adverse inferences about him. In other words, the judge can assume that he is refusing to take a test because he knows that it would prove the parentage claim.

"Surely,if he knows there is no chnace he could be this childs father he would simply take the test to prove it?"

Tests done by accredited laboratories in the UK are typically around £300 to £500. Unless the other side were going to pay for the test, then I can quite understand him not wanting to do one based on a simple request from a solicitor.

Having said that, if it were a court order then that's a very different matter.

If it’s done posing as a solicitor rather than going through the courts it could not be a legitimate firm or test, just confirm a positive result and tell him to cough up.

This.

I could (and have) forgiven an affair, but I would be disgusted if a partner refused to accept their responsibilities as a parent. And if there's no chance he's the parent, why wouldn't he take the test?

Perhaps, I I certainly don't know why anyone would make it up.

But if it is made up it is a diabolical trap question.

So to be clear, your husband cheated on you and potentially fathered a child. What are you doing /saying about the infidelity? What is he saying? You both seem to be focusing on paternity as if its a separate issue. You're disappointed. I would be absolutely furious. Secondly, if he is the father, then the child is the innocent here and deserves to know who its father is and deserves to be supported. You are burying your head, perhaps its understandable, but seriously how can you bear to continue the relationship. While you are thinking things over, please get an STI check asap.

The husband’s “refusal to engage” made me assume that she’d already tried informal routes/approaching directly and he’s ignored them.

I notice your husband didn't immediately say 'This must be a scam because I never even slept with her!'. And that he had you meet her when she was pregnant, knowing he had slept with her without protection.
Lovely