Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

What a horrible situation to be in. You must feel shell shocked!

Whilst wanting your children to be unaffected by these revelations, you can only shield them from the truth whilst they’re little. Then what?

Assuming he is the father, at some point in adulthood they are likely to discover a half sibling and they’re also going to know that you both knew about it. The half sibling will likely track them down and confront them.

How do you think they will react as adults knowing you both kept this secret from them?

You don’t have to do anything immediately but you do need to think about how this will affect the future. Children will accept whatever you tell them when they’re small and they’ll not be too fussed but adult DC can be very unforgiving. You’ve done nothing wrong but keeping his secret will taint you in their eyes.

Simple question before you/he/anyone goes further.

If I've got it right.
Was he out of the country at the time of conception?

A harder question - was she in this country at the time of conception?

Wow, so your husband cheated on you, has likely another child. And you hope she’s miserable and he is pretending it’s a scam and wishes to ignore his own kid. Righto. That’s all very lovely.

He is guilty of cheating on his wife. Its not about proving it to people on the internet, its just basic common sense that if they had not had sex, he would have said this to his wife (as any normal man would) and OP would have led with this. In fact it would be a non-issue and OP wouldn't even have started the thread about it.

Of course I had suspected that he’d slept with her. They had worked very closely and he spent weeks abroad training her and others. He’s still friends with a lot of the people from that time. I can’t even explain how disappointed I am more than anything.

I am considering contacting her directly but I’m not sure if this will help or just hurt more.
I think he will get his solicitor to reply to the letter.

You’re kinda unclear in your post OP .

So when you met this woman & her husband at wedding & she is pregnant , is this the pregnancy you are talking about ?.
Were you & your dh not married at time ?.

What is it you need help with? The woman is asking him to prove paternity. What help is needed here?

It could be the woman's DP asking for the test as he doesn't trust her. She could know full well it's not OP's partner's child.

But surely he’d test himself first?

You mean the child she chose to have, the child she chose to deny the real father any knowledge of? The child she chose to pretend was her husbands child? Yeh, she’s a great mum who should be applauded and has done no wrong 🙄🙄 Honestly, get a grip.

I would guess they may have done the test and it has shown the her DH is not the DF and now the woman has gone to the only other option which is to ask OPs DH for
the paternity test in order for OPs DH to acknowledge his DC.

Or the other woman does not know who is the father of her DC, and secretly has her suspicions and wants to confirm either way.

@Operaofthephantom I am sorry you are going through this. I know 2 women that went through this. One woman was in denial and the DC was obviously the DC of the DF who initiated the test. She even put the other man’s name on the birth certificate even though the DC was the dead stamp of the biological father. The adult DC is now having to deal with having a mans name that is not her DF on her birth certificate and her biological father has sadly passed away.

And another woman whose DH has been approached by a young adult asking that her DH do a paternity test because he believes her DH is his DF.

It is more common to than we would like to acknowledge and sadly does lives.

If it was me I’d tell him to do the test. Call her (or his!) bluff.
He has nothing to be worried about does he…?
Otherwise you cold have a teenager turning up on your door step one day.

Where did I say the ops husband wasn’t at fault?
He is obviously a piece of shit, IF he cheated and fathered this child.
My point is , the ow is accountable for this mess as much as the op husband is. Previous posters said the op should not be angry with the OW . My point is that she has every right to be angry with the OW and it’s ridiculous to suggest otherwise .

That's quite the stance.

She's hurt you too, absolutely. But you've both got absolute shitbags for husbands. His might have been awful and mean; but yours is awkward and unfaithful and only does things he's forced to do. He'd rather get a solicitor to refute than take a test and own up to what he's done, which is bizarrely awkward when it seems that you're disappointed but not fussed. I'm disappointed when my 4-year-old wets himself. I'd be raging if my husband cheated, fathered a child, and then was arrogant and self-obsessed enough to refuse to own up to it.

I mean there's an argument that if her husband is an arsehole, at least you can see why she might have easily had her head turned. You'd hope most people wouldn't choose someone else with a family, but you can't take someone who doesn't want to be taken...

Him taking the test would be a condition of me staying. It says it all that he won't.

I thought this too. No way would I comply unless legally forced to.

When you say it's not your problem, it kind of is a big old problem if your husband shagged someone else during your marriage? And it would be a huge further problem with his character if he didn't take some responsibility financially if he's helped create a human during that shagging.

Or did no shagging happen at all and you genuinely both believe this woman is just shit stirring?

If there is a chance the child is genetically your husband's and you're totally fine with that bit, is there a way to take some control of the testing? So use a doctor or facility that you choose and trust?

I think there are two issues here; one is, did he have an affair? Really, that may be all you need to know if that’s a dealbreaker. For that, I’d contact her directly. She may be able to give you that answer quite quickly and then the plaster is ripped off and then you know. It could also be they have not and this is a figment of her controlling partner’s imagination. She could tell you that if that’s the case.

The second issue is if he legitimately might be this child’s father. If I knew I never had sex with someone and I got a letter like that, I’d be like screw that, I’m not responding! But if it’s genuinely a possibility, well, I can see why he’d bury his head in the sand too. You can’t force him to get to the bottom of this, but you can get answers from the first question and you can draw a sign in the sand here and walk away if he’s truly going to be an idiot. Even if I knew it was impossible, I wouldn’t ignore it if I knew I’d lose my marriage if I did.

😀oh please. That’s a jump.

are you saying you are pro woman sleeping with married men. Stop with the bs 🤣

Given what you know about her husband, it's unnecessarily bitchy to hope she's miserable.

It could be that, as her husband's an arsehole, he's trying to hurt her by claiming the child isn't theirs. They may have split and he's making it as difficult as possible for her to get child support. Or it may be true.

I don't buy someone else's comment that innocent people wouldn't have the test. Like I suspect you do, I think he's refusing because he suspects it's at least possible. Do you plan on staying with him? Either way, it has changed your relationship.

You are making a massive and incorrect assumption.

Because I said the op is justified in being angry with the ow ?? At no point did I say the husband wasn’t 50% responsible?

my point was and is, they are both to blame here and no one on here could realistically say they would be like ok my husband is obviously at fault but the ow is perfect and shouldn’t not be help accountable. What a lot of bs

The woman, or the woman's husband, must think there is a possibitity that your husband is her baby's father and I can understand you being upset about that.

If he insists he was never intimate with her, he has nothing to hide. He can do the dna test, it will shut them up once and for all. That will not actually prove he wasn't with her but if he is happy to do it, you are more likely to believe him.

It won't affect your children, Opereo; unless you choose to tell them about this, they may never even know. So far - there is nothing definite to tell anyway.

The package should have been marked 'Confidential' but that's not much use now.

I wish you good luck with this.

I literally said she’s a shit!!!!

My point is that part is the mother’s doing. There are a lot of posters on here slating the husband and claiming she should not be held accountable. My point is simply that the OW is equally at fault in this situation.

Yup made it up 🤣🤣🤣

It may be as you say her controlling husband kicking off and there’s nothing in it. He should do the test for lots of reasons.
There is no reason not to. I know someone who had fertility treatment and having done dna tests when the DC was in their teens, the donor is not what they were lead to believe - totally different genetics