Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Clearly he is the father, as he would be wanting to prove his innocence if this was all made up.

100%

Dissapointed? I would be furious and would also be quickly losing any respect for a man who won't deal with this 1 way or the other. You are being passive as without proof you can tell yourself it might not be true in reality if it wasn't true surely he would agree to test to clear his name?

Tell him that refusing to do it is him admitting to you that he is the father and you need time to think what you want to do with that confession.

He won't do anything if he doesn't have to. Never does.

@Operaofthephantom
This sentence tells me that you are dealing with a man who as John Gottman says "can't accept influence"

The original research highlighted a gender difference in that 81% of the marriages where men did not accept influence ended up in divorce. These were cases where even reasonable statements by the wife were rejected with a high degree of defensiveness, belligerence, or contempt.

Of course accepting influence goes both ways for partners in heterosexual relationships or same sex relationships. Both partners need to feel heard and respected for their thoughts and feelings

Because she is supporting the child and making sure they are fed and housed; whereas your husband is completely washing his hands of all responsibility for his child.

So yes she is a shit, but no where near the level of your husband.

But her husband is the one who made vows to her and promised faithfulness

It would be over for me.

I don’t know if I could forgive cheating (I couldn’t think about that right now) but I could not get over him not wanting to do the test and put my mind at rest (and be a father if he is one).

You say the DH is controlling and a nasty man and so this could be him sending the test out to drive some kind of wedge between them and gain more control over her and punish him by driving a wedge between you two.

But anyone with nothing to hide would do it immediately, if only to prove to their wife that they’re not lying.

But you need to be OK as well. For your children nothing will change; he's still their father. For you everything changes because you will have to a) accept that your husband has cheated on you and try to move on or b) leave him.

There is no right or wrong. I would leave because I wouldn't be able to forgive but I know one woman who managed to overcome an infidelity. Her dh did take tesponsability For his act and they went to couples therapy together. Your dh needs to be honest with you even if he refuses the paternity test.

I’m assuming this was during your relationship ? If he is refusing it’s obviously he is scared or he would do it to prove his innocence

Same. Especially if the person hasn’t contacted me. I would also think it’s a scam.

but I would contact the person attached and ask!

Be careful as depending on the country refusing a test , specially if requested by court might stilll see him put down as the father .

They both are.

Disappointed that the woman is trying to find out the biological father of her child, or disappointed that your husband may have cheated on you?

If your husband was fucking around then he should take responsibility for his actions.

Not 'ridiculous' at all. It's one perfectly valid reason.

Surely he slept with her whilst with you, in some ways the child is a red herring. Why are you so focused on 'the scam'.. Has this not changed your perception of him as a cheat who wants to abandon a child. He doesn't get to pick and choose who his children are.

My guess is, this woman's husband has guessed the baby isn't his and has ended the marriage. She knows if her husband requests a paternity test, it will come back as her husband not being the baby's biological Dad, so he won't have a legal obligation to pay child support. However, if she requests a paternity test from your husband, whilst knowing full well he's the biological Dad, he will have to pay child support!

Of course none of the above may be correct and your husband is innocent of any wrongdoing. You do have to ask why a woman, who your husband does know and has worked with, would pick him to request a paternity test from, if it wasn't true?! Surely if she knew there's zero chance of your husband being her child's Dad, she wouldn't go to all this bother?!

I do see others point of view though...I could see someone who is innocent saying, 'No I'm not engaging in this, I've done nothing wrong, why should I have to prove I've done nothing wrong'! Equally as several posters have pointed out, if he's innocent and hasn't done anything wrong, why not take the paternity test, because it will give concrete proof.

Unfortunately, your husband's reaction doesn't prove if he's genuinely hiding something or not.

This is little better than Andrew Windsor paying millions to a woman he'd apparently never met. What's he hiding?

There is a Radio 4 series or podcast about British soldiers stationed at an African base, who got local women pregnant. Some of the women are pursuing the fathers now, via solicitors. Some of the men are refusing to provide DNA.

You dont get to choose which child you are going to support.

I would take DH and myself for legal advise on what to do. I wouldn't just say do the test as I would want to know its legit.

I would however, want the test doing as I would want to know if it was true or not. I wouldn't be able to live not knowing. Although you sound like you know deep down the child could be his, in which case you need to decide what to do with your marriage as he would have cheated and created a child.

Sounds like an awful situation to be in.

See I wouldn’t be giving someone my DNA in a scam test. I’d know it’s not my child so wouldn’t engage. I’d not need to prove anything or demand an apology

So ......your husband slept with a work colleague, the woman in question .....once/a number of times. Whilst you and husband were married

This woman decided to pass the baby off as HER husbands baby. Her husband appeared/s to be controlling and coercive

It now seems that HER husband has discovered that the baby isn't his and ex work colleague of your husband has now decided to come clean probably for financial reasons (imo)

I have to say - she doesn't come out of this as a shiny angel, does she?

Your husband, @Operaofthephantom, is an absolute twat

I think OP is agreeing with her DH that it's a scam whilst ignoring the fact he had an affair. Although what possible scam could it be?

It’s not proof that he’s done anything wrong. It may be the husband discovered the baby is not his and has sent out paternity tests to various men. It would make me want to contact them to ask why they had sent it.