Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

insists putting any blame on the OW is somehow letting the man off the hook entirely

No. It's a recognition, born of years of observation, that blaming the OW goes hand-in-hand with the wife trying to "work on the marriage" instead of divorcing the cheating scoundrel. It doesn't have to "let him off the hook completely" for the wife to absolve him of just enough blame to let him stay.

The OW broke no promise to the wife. The husband broke his wedding vows. Moving even a little of that blame to the OW is making her responsible for keeping a promise that she didn't make and he did.

Women are not responsible for men's actions.

I don’t blame the woman who had an affair with my husband.

But i hate the bitch and hope she rots in hell.
There is a special place in hell for women who shit on other women, and have affairs with men who have children.

It would be over my dead body i would think of blending the child of an affair with my own children.
You seriously need to give your head a wobble- in no way would this be a happy families scenario.

What DO you think this is about, OP?

They had an affair?

They had a one night stand?

She deliberately used him to get pregnant?

Your DH would never have had sex with her, and she's making it up to cause trouble for him, for some reason?

She’s not!

The OW didn't shit on you, because she owed you nothing.

Your hopefully-now-ex husband shat on you, by breaking the promise he swore to you on your wedding day.

The OW shat on herself. She settled for crumbs from your husband instead of holding out for a single man who could give her 100% of his affection. She settled for a man who breaks the most important promise of his life instead of holding out for a trustworthy man with integrity. She must hold herself in such low esteem to do that. She is worthy of contempt and pity for how she debases herself, but not blame. The oathbreaker is him.

Op, could you offer to provide your children’s dna to see if they are related? It’s only a cheek swab, and would prove the relationship.

I take it that you are OK with reinstating the legal concept of bastardy too?

The child is innocent and has a right to know of any half-siblings they have.

The only person talking about blending the families is you. Right to know isn't the same as a shared upbringing.

OP, you have zero responsibility for this woman and her child. You don’t owe them anything.

It is not your responsibility to demand he take the test, or make himself available to the child if it is his. Do whatever is right for you.

@Walkden

Paternity tests aren't randomly posted through people's door. There is a reason he has been asked to do one.

In what way would it be a scam? Is he being asked to pay for the test? Or does he think someone is trying to obtain his genetic material fraudulently? Or does he think the results will be faked to show he is the child's father when he is not? Can he not check whether the agency that has contacted him and the facility via which he is being asked to test are legitimate and secure?

If there's any chance he is this child's father, he might as well find out now. If he's not, that will be a huge relief for him and for you, and if he is then he can figure out how to meet his obligations, if applicable. Based on what you know of him, is there any chance he genuinely doesn't know whether it's physically possible that he could be the father?

Disappointed? That’s an odd reaction.
you should be RAGING. 😡 AGAINST your DH

how old are your kids and how old is this other kid?

get your ducks in a row - copies of financial info, your and the kids passports and birth certificates, find a therapist and quietly consult a divorce lawyer this week.

Know where you stand. Dont just do nothing. Prepare for an exit.

It's totally fine to find her putrid and disgusting and not bother replying to her, of course it is. Her issues are not your problem to deal with, not at all.

Cheaters are all liars. Every last one of them. Don't get yourself mixed up in a liar's bullshit.

At the same time of course your husband is clearly a cheating pig too or he'd quite definitely have taken the test, and he's the one who betrayed you and chose to wreck your marriage.

So although it's no problem at all, and quite normal that you feel disgust towards the cheating woman you presumably are repulsed by him too.

On the basis of him being a cheating pig, you are fully within your rights to dump him immediately, and really you should he's as sneaky as they come. But if you do decide to stick around for more lies, get yourself tested for diseases and make sure you have a back up plan for when you have to leave.

OP deserves better than to stay married to a cheat and deadbeat.

I think the implication is he knows it is or could be his? How is the request evil in that case?

Obviously it's a horrible situation for OP and neither her husband or that woman comes out of this looking great.

I didn’t suggest that she stays. It’s up to OP to decide what she wants to do, and what is best for her.

What she doesn’t need to do is feel sorry or advocate for this woman and her child. She owes them nothing.

Yes, this is my guess too. OP says the other husband was mean & controlling ... I'm guessing he refused to consider that he might be infertile, kept on at her for being 'inadequate' or some such, so she cooked up a convenient way to get pregnant. It may not have been an affair at all, more of a one-off favour to a friend. Other husband happy, job done, she's obviously not going to tell a soul.

Only ... either other husband does a DNA test because he's a suspicious bastard, or they have a massive row and she blurts it out. If they've already split up, she may be in need of child support.

BUT! There are buts.

1. The DNA test may have been requested by suspicious, controlling husband. Your DH may not have fathered her child.
2. Other husband could've found out the child isn't biologically his and she had a few affairs or last-ditch pregnancy attempts around that time, so now needs to find out who actually did impregnate her.
3. The child has a genetic health problem and she's trying to discreetly find out if your DH can cast any light on this.

I think it best if you talk to her directly, OP. I'm sorry, this is an awful thing to be going through! If you won't be able to manage your emotions when speaking to her, consider getting a solicitor or a very emotionally organised friend to do it in your presence. Don't do it by text or mail, due to the probable complications her end as well.

From what you have written I started thinking scam but then the more you wrote I actually think your dh might not be alone in getting a paternity test request.
I presume that the dh of this woman has decided, rightly or wrongly that their child isn’t his and has gone through her address book/ phone/ company personnel list and has a list of candidates who knew his wife.

I find it odd that there has been no direct contact.

And in your dh’s position I too would be refusing this test

The very obvious response to this is that OPS husband insists on using a DNA company of his own choosing. He should do it for his wife, to remove any doubt and anxiety that she has, let alone for the sake of the child.
The other woman using a solicitor to inform Op's husband adds weight to her claim, along with the fact that OP's husband isn't immediately and strongly remonstrating strongly that the child couldn't possibly be his as he never slept with the mother.

If there’s a chance the child is his then he needs to step up for the child and stop being so bloody pathetic. If you sleep with a woman without condoms, well, what’s that saying, fuck around and find out.

I can’t say I’d be keen to have a child maintenance claim taken out of the family finances tbh. Can’t really see the benefit of doing the test if you plan to stay with him, unless somehow forced to.

What an arrogant dick of a man. To have an affair, to father a child, to abandon the child, to leave you knowing that and to not give a about how any of you are going to feel.

Usually a lawyer will request one and they'll contact you not some random on the internet my father did a ancestry DNA test and found out he had another child

So essentially, you know hes cheated. Likely has another child he has no interest in and is being an absolute arse and you have zero desire to do anything about any of it?

Not really sure what you want from this thread?

I can absolutely imagine Dh refusing to do a test on principle, but equally if I asked him to do it he’d be pissed off but he would do it.

IF he’s the father he still has a child he needs to be responsible for. Not sure my marriage would survive this. But it definitely survive watching my DH trying to not take responsibility for himself. I despise men who don’t front up and take care of their kids.

As PP pointed out there are other reasons why a DNA test has been requested but just ignoring a child because it’s inconvenient is deeply immoral imo.

Also this woman didn’t owe you shit, it’s your DH who is supposed to be faithful, I would reserve your ire for him.