Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Oh cmon. I think it’s a fair assumption.

God what a horrible misogynistic response.

Ah, but you see if there's the tiniest hope of derailing the thread, and pretending to believe the highly improbable, that's so much more fun for some.

And even if by some unlikely happenstance he did actually rape the woman, it's got absolutely fuck all to do with the OP anyway. She should stay well out of all of it.

She should also dump his creepy arse, but we all know she's not going to.

Op, I don’t understand your point, are you saying you thought he was sleeping with her, ignored it, and intend to do so again? Thay this is more about their child? Do you have an open marriage?

Exactly, that's a weird detail to jump on on his part as to why he thinks it's a scam - if he hasn't slept with her, surely that'd be his argument?!
Not "she hasn't said anything before" or questioning the legitimacy of the solicitors?!
If he has slept with her you'd think he'd at least take the test to make sure.
Sounds a bit 🙄 to me

Get legal advice this week about starting your divorce from this cheating shitbag.

Find every scrap of paper you can that proves how much your "D"H has money-wise.

This is how you protect your children financially: you make sure that your 50% of the marital assets is ringfenced by being your sole property as a divorced woman. Then you claim child support off him.

That he not only cheats, but is reckless enough to bareback his affair partner, is utterly contemptuous of you. Go to a sexual health clinic and get the full test panel. This won't have been the only time.

The child and the dirty cow her vile husband was screwing are nothing at all to do with the OP. Definitely not her job, in any way, to step into the filthy mess the two of them chose to make for themselves. She should only be focused on protecting her child and herself.

Vile post

Wouldn’t all guilty people refuse too?

Vile response

You are calling a "dirty bitch" and "filthy cow" someone who, at the most culpable option, has not broken any promise to OP, and at the least culpable option, has been raped by OP's husband.

Yes, you are being a misogynist.

Do everything you need to do in your own time, but you must know deep down that at some point soon you are going to have to speak to her. Your husband will know that too. You're in the shock and possibly denial stage at the moment.

I don't think you should be referring to any woman as a dirty cow or similar.

The question for me other than wanting to know of any infidelity is how the response will affect a woman who seems to be in an abusive relationship. Will it make things worse or better.

In any case, legal advice is being sought by the OP which seems reasonable.

You are assuming he is one of the 6% that do?

Good one 🙄😆

Not sure why you're here anyway - pretty sure you should be on a different forum, or perhaps at college.

And it doesn’t have to be rape (or a comparable crime) to have potential criminal implications.

Alleged fraud related to concealing paternity, attempted intimidation or blackmail to prevent a paternity suit…. who knows? We certainly don’t. And neither does OP. There are so many options (some more, some admittedly less likely).
I am not trying to speculate and I certainly don’t claim that OP‘s H is guilty of any wrongdoing or but simply trying to explain why there could be criminal concerns, btw.

Which is why OP needs legal advice and definitely shouldn’t contact the child’s mother or try to resolve this on her own in any other way (IMO).

And OP still needs legal advice if this is nothing but a simple paternity suit/matter of family law…
She needs to be informed about potentially protecting marital assets, how existing child support obligations could affect future claims (especially due to the international aspects).

Not if she was hiding it from her DH.

Op i think your right, the other husband has found out ' he isn't the childs father' just maybe she was hoping he was,
This could of been a one night stand, one time sex, that doesn't make it ok,

You DH refusing to do the test is disappointing, of course he could be the father, but again how many men did she sleep with around that time,
You need to contact her as 2/3 of these letters may have gone out,

What a shock op, I hope you can get some answers so you can decide what best moving forwards

Didn't say it was, but as a person who thinks ancestry type testing is too much I can see how easy it would be to say no to a paternity test if you felt it was wrong.

Also the other point about Ancestry is that it can provide evidence of a familial link that a judge could use to decide that a formal court DNA test was warranted.

Maybe the other woman HAS contacted op's husband previously to discuss the situation, but he's ignored it and also not told his wife?
There's so many unknowns in this that it's all speculation by us really.
In OP's shoes, I'd certainly want to contact the other woman to find out what the situation is exactly, to help her better decide how to proceed (or not) with her marriage. I couldn't live with the uncertainty for years ahead, and just waiting for the eventual knock on the door when the child is grown and goes looking for their father.

Sure she's mad. But her husband was the one who betrayed her. To wish harm on the woman, who may or may not be the mother of a sibling of your own children while staying with the actual betrayer is low. What affects the mother affects the children. That's true in her case too. Being mad at the OW is a waste of energy she needs for dealing with her husband's actions.

OP needs to be getting her ducks lined up. She needs full STI testing ASAP. Her husband should also have it but she needs to insist on protection if she has sex with him unless he can show her his full panel of negative results. She needs a lawyer consult as to what she could expect in a divorce and what a potential child of her husband's means for her and her kids. She might want to start therapy and tell a close friend or two for support.

Keeping this a secret is not really an option at present with services like Ancestry out there. She could upload her child's and see if there's matches. If OP's kids ever do that, they could find out.

"Upload her child's matches" - I would suggest nothing of the sort at this stage, especially if they are under aged. Goodness, if it is proven they can be told in an age-appropriate way; if they want to do their DNA when they're adults, that's up to them.