Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Not from the OP’s position. Only the DH made vows of fidelity to the OP - men don’t generally trip up with their dicks accidently falling into conniving women, they make an active choice to be adulterers.

Frankly the OP makes it clear she thinks that simply working closely together away form home makes adulterous affairs inevitable so either he has form for playing away or there is zero trust in the marriage for other reasons.

What do you want to happen in your marriage OP?

Are you planning on staying with him no matter what?

Or if he’s fathered the child would you end it?

And do you want to know?

If it was me, I’d be telling my husband that if he didn’t get tested I’d assume he’s the father and our marriage is over. Whereas if he did get tested, there’s a chance he’s not the father and we might be able to work things out.

If there’s any chance he’s the father I feel he has obligations to the child which at the moment he is hiding from.

OP, this problem is not going to go away:

1. It looks like your husband has been unfaithful to you. You need to know for sure and decide what you want to do about this. Even if that is ‘nothing’ you surely need to know for sure. Maybe get some counselling to support you.
2. If this child is your husband’s he/ she is not going to go away. He/ she deserves to know who his/ her father is.
3. Your kids will not appreciate you with holding this important information from them - that they have a half-sibling.
4. You may be worried that going through the testing will lead to your husband having to pay child support and that there will then be keee money for your own kids. It’s a legitimate dread. It will be maddening to think that your husband’s infidelity will impact your kids and you in this way. But action have consequences.

You and your husband have to engage with this, OP. Step up, be adults and deal with this with honesty.

Agree.

There is no reason for the OP to have sympathy for somebody who, assuming an affair, clearly didn't respect her. It's fair to say that the OW didn't have any obligation towards the OP and so her behaviour was magnitudes less shitty than the husband's, but that is about it.

I’m not sure of the law because I’m not in either of the relevant countries, but I learned on MN previously that if a paternity test is requested by child maintenance services in the UK and the alleged father doesn’t do the test, they can legally follow through on seeking child support. They take the refusal as a tacit admission of paternity I suppose. So…could something like that happen here?

The alleged father pays for the test (unless financially unable to do so). If the test is negative they’re refunded.

Read your words again. Your response to how is she any better? .. Because she is supporting the child and making sure they are fed and housed; whereas your husband is completely washing his hands of all responsibility for his child. And so she should, given her level of deceit and choices she alone made. You said So yes she is a shit, but no where near the level of your husband. - she’s worse than him as she chose every single bit of this, chose every single level of deceit, chose to bring this child into the world knowing the circumstances. She is far worse than him. At the moment he is likely in shock - that will pass, and then things can hopefully be resolved correctly.

The husband might be an arsehole, but he also apparently has an unfaithful wife, and is now possibly dealing with the fact that and child he has bought up, loved and believed to be his, is not,
An arsehole he might be, but I don’t think he’s the main villain here.

what do you mean? We don't even know if the man has slept with the woman let alone fathered a child with her ffs!!!

This!!!

Ok 👍

I don´t look at all like my father, does that mean I´m not his. What could you "tell" from a photo. Nothing. I´d tell him he does the dna test or it´s over.

So you're going to leave him, right?

Exactly, my children don't look like either of us

Then while your solicitor is replying to the letter, find a solicitor yourself to see what you are entitled too… as difficult as this is, you know deep down he is the Dad of this innocent child. That is a massive betrayal I couldn’t and would not get over- you need to get everything in place for you and the kids so you can have a worry free life without your twat of a H.

You dont know the story behind why he's suddenly being asked if he is the father. Do you think she is some kind of 'Fallen Women' who should be punished

No they are not, but they are responsible for their own, just as men are, and having ana affair with a man she knows to be married is not an action I am about to condone. Of course the husband who took the vows is directly - and far more - at fault. But I find the whole "not my vows" thing a slippery get of of jail technicality. If you know your actions are causing hurt, then you know.

@Operaofthephantom who made the request? Her or her dh?

So H and OW did have a relationship?

That’s a reach. What about her marriage vows to her own husband ?

How is OP supposed to know that?

She does not have a clue who requested it and she doesn’t care which one issued it.

Her issue is that she believes her DH has had sex with this woman and she is shocked and horrified that DH has received the paternity test.

I think too many posters are answering from a place of idealistic "how things should be' instead of reality.

You know your H is an arsehole but you also want to protect your children at all costs. They are your priority as it should be.

Your H doesn't need to comply with the paternity test issued by solicitors in an EU country. Unless the mother has serious money to pursue the paternity in British courts, it's a non starter. Different legal systems and the UK won't chase your H because, fundamentally, it has nothing to do with UK laws.

It does leave you with a problem at home though. He cheated on you. refuses to engage (which apparently is his normal character dealing with problems) and leaves you without a frank and honest conversation when together make decisions affecting your family.

He's the opposite of a good partner. Draw your own conclusions and plan ahead for your future and your children's

The perspective that needs considering is not that of the adults, @Operaofthephantom - its of your own children. If I found out I had a half sibling and my parents had denied me that knowledge then I’d never forgive them.

One more thing....

You said the woman's H was awful, controlling and abusive when you met him. Find in you a bit of empathy for her. Maybe she was vulnerable, needed a bit of comfort and made the mistake of having sexual contact with your H.

You are in a difficult situation but put the blame where it shoud be - your husband.

@Operaofthephantom just a thought but could this request be to do with the husband being controlling and jealous. Is he making this lady do it to prove otherwise? As in maybe your husband is innocent and this is just to do with them although a bit far fetched. Just another possible angle.

Either way surely if it isn't his he'd just do it...

@Operaofthephantom is entitled to feel how she likes about the mother of the child, her husband and their possible behaviour. If they did have an affair or a ONS then they both betrayed her.
Her priority as she has said is her own children. Reading the posts it seems there are some issues in the marriage already and this is possibly the straw that breaks the camels back.
OP you have a lot to deal with and come to terms with. His reluctance to engage other than be dismissive is not helpful. You are going to have to get tough and get him to sit down and face some tough questioning. I expect this is going to bring to the surface other issues which may have been parked. Perhaps seek some counselling first.
I'm not sure what approaching the other woman would achieve just now. You need to start with your husband. Good luck.