Husband’s secret double life exposed, not sure how to move forward

[Broken186]

I have just found out last night my husband of almost 17years together 23 years has been sleeping with men, prostitutes and trans M/F for at least the last 10 years behind . I am utterly devastated. He’s been working away and due to past issues I’ve been on my guard and knew he was acting different so I went through his phone and found he was on a swingers site, read through as many of the messages as I could stand. I don’t know who the hell I’ve been married to. I’ve kicked him out but don’t know where to go from here. We’ve got 3 children 20,14,7 and feel like the oldest should know straight away that his dad’s gone but that I should hold of telling the other 2. I’m at a loss of where to even begin

Oh Op, it gets worse doesn’t it. What a shit of a man he is.

I know you say you can’t change the locks, but what if one was broken and you had to fix it, the others, leave the keys in on the inside.

And please, go and speak to the police - you need his house trashing in record. I’d also get a ring doorbell installed.

You have a whole army of people here wishing you well & offering advice & I’m glad to hear you have good people around you, I hope that you get the help and support you need. X

I don't think you need to torture yourself by doing this (unless you are finding it especially cathartic) - you have all the 'evidence' you need.

The hardest part of this whole process is going to be the mental re-framing of everything. Your H is not who you thought he was on any level - not sexually nor in any other ways. He is not kind. He is not respectful. He is not your friend. He is not loyal. He is not the father he pretended to be. He does not like you. That's really fucking hard to process but once you get there everything else will be easier.

In the meantime, try to make him small in your head - literally imagine him as tiny - a small fly - and bat him, his needs and his behaviour away for a moment. Tell him you can't speak to him for a week as you need to process. Instead focus on YOU. What do YOU need? Support. Kindness. Someone to cry with. Help with the DC for a few days. Time off work. A few days away. A medical checkup. A really good therapist. A really good lawyer.

He has treated you with contempt. His mental heath is not your problem - especially now you have passed your concerns on. FOCUS ON YOU.

What a despicable man. Sending you strength. You can, and will, get through this. You and your children deserve better than this, you know that. Surround yourself with supportive people and start making plans for your new life without him.
As soon as you feel able, an STI test is imperative, goodness knows what he may have passed to you, if he's bragging about not washing in between, then he's hardly been practising safe sex, by the sounds of it.

Thank you all, for all your support and messages. Kids are in school and I’m having a breakdown whilst they aren’t here to witness it. Meeting a friend at 1 and another this evening so I have some support. I feel like my world imploded at the moment. I’m taking this week off work, I’m a carer and I’m not in the right mind set to be looking after all our amazing oldies x

So sorry to read of all of this.

You now need to look after yourself and children.

As others have said...

Medical tests + see your GP about all of this.
Photos of everything - messages, damage the lot. Keep photos secure. Can he access your storage?
Separate phone accounts etc as well as any tracking, air tags etc.
Involve the police. You need a record of this, and if he returns they know the situation.
Secure your house both physically and financially.
Sort out any shared accounts.
Do you work, do you feel able to go in or do you need time off.

Your children need to know - in an age appropriate way. They'll know something is up and not right.

Hope matters calm down for you and you can have a new start.

Let it all out OP. Cry shout scream do whatever you need to.

I’m so glad you have friends around you that you can rely on.

You will get through this!

I have nothing useful or practical to add to the advice on here but i wanted to say that I am thinking of you. This must be so shocking and devastating and i'm guessing you are getting through minute by minute at this stage of things. I hope that there are people you can turn irl who will give you the unwavering love and support that you deserve.

Nightmare for you OP and my heart goes out to you and yours.
As painful as it is, your marriage is over, no u turn.

See the police, and get a restraining order to keep him away from you and the house.... he's shown how violent he can be and you are not safe. Then change the locks. Phone women's aid for advice. They'll know how best to proceed. He's a vile piece of dog sh*t OP ..... how awful for you.

And I just thought - there surely must be some women on MN who, having read the OP, smugly thought 'No, not my husband. Never. Not in a million years. Not mine', whilst in reality exactly the same thing is going on in their family, only without their knowledge. Probably me included? I don't know.

What a scum bag. No respect for you at all.

Most women would be incredibly shocked just how many "hetero" men have sex with other men in secret. Completely normal, masculine, otherwise unremarkable men do it all the time. I found out my exh was doing it. There were no clues beforehand. Fabswingers is full of straight married men looking for discreet gay hook ups. Tens of thousands of them.

I often think this. My ex husband wasn't involved with men (to my knowledge) but I found out he was constantly sexting other women and using sex-workers. I think a heck of a lot of men lead double lives, and find it very easy to compartmentalise their actions. I don't think they feel any remorse, as long as they don't get caught.

@MyGirlJ I ended my last relationship due to finding used BDSM items in his room which may or may not have indicated he was seeing men . Though he also has a much older female ‘best friend’ he didn’t want me to meet and just so happened to call him a pet name common in dom and sub situations. That , and reading these other experiences on mn has put me off for life. I don’t think I’ll ever enter a relationship again now.

So so sorry op xx

Grinder and FabSwingers are absolutely rife with “straight married men with children” who like to cheat on their wives with other men and trans-women. It is very common.

Glad to hear that your work place have been understanding of the shock and disruption of this news on your life and that you've got this week to focus on yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry that you've been betrayed like this.

His damage and destruction to your home is appalling. He's blown up his own life by cheating but then he also has the audacity to casue physical damage. What an angry baby of a man. Eww.

I mainly wanted to give my opinion about what the children should be told. The older two should definitely be made aware that there's been a betrayal and that's why he's been kicked out. If you want to give the older one more information, that's up to you but they are both old enough to know this much.

The younger one needs some honesty in an age appropriate way.

Have you read Breathless by Jennifer Niven? I didn't love it but the point is the main character (based on teh author's own experience) isn't told the truth by her parents when they split up and I think that's what makes the change even worse, she feels that she's been lied to by the parent who didn't cheat.

That he physically engaged with sex workers is a huge deal for your own physical health and to have been in the dark about that is an additional level of betrayal. I see that you're not keen to get STI checks as you're on your period at the moment but I think it's still worth while having a chat with a counsellor or someone with professional experience in this area.

With your youngest (and maybe the 14 year old), I'd also talk with their school. You don't have to mention any details at all, but let their class teacher know that there's a separation and it's in distressing circumstances. This will better help them to support your child, maybe introduce more nurture interventions, or with your older one just make you aware of some of the wellbeing support that they've got available and just keep an eye out, but also if this were a parent at our school I'd want us to signpost you to support locally.

I can see from your posts that you're obviously floored by the news but you're also concerned about the impact on your children. So getting school involved as part of a support team for them will help I think.

So, this week I'd reach out to the schools. I'd lean on your family and friends and accept all the help and love and support they're offering. Look for support and advice for you, there are options out there depending on where you're based and what you need/want at the moment, such as this:

Counselling after Infidelity or Cheating - The Spark

Have you taken a picture of the damage? I would then go to the police and ask them to have a word with him. He can’t be doing that.

As others have said- STI test- Now!

The damage to the family home should be reported to the police as a safeguarding issue because of the living children in the home, whether they were there or not. I hope you won't but if you need police support because of him in the future you are more likely to get a response if there is a record already of him being violent. Also if there are difficulties around separating and custody, a police record of his behaviour will support you.

I'm really sorry OP, he has been so cruel to you. This is all on him and his selfishness and disregard for his family and he is a disgrace.

What IS it with men?
Why are they so obsessed with sex?

Just adding my voice to those who are saying please contact professionals urgently. A gp at least. And asap- you need help. You must be completely overwhelmed with the horrible revelations you’ve just experienced. Your mental health, your physical health are under attack.

This is not your fault. Smashing his phone is absolutely nothing and I wouldn’t even bother lying about it FFS! It’s nothing compared to the years of systematic abuse you have suffered.
You don’t need counselling right now, you need protection - legal medical and financial advice. Women’s Aid can help you. About locks- he has rights to his home so get police to see the damage caused- your children aren’t safe are they if he is this much out of control. He must be furious you have discovered his double life.
I am sickened by what this foul excuse for a human has done to you. He has sabotaged your life for years. Utterly vile. Mumsnet is here all hours just reach out.

Document all of this. Save everything you can - take photos if you can, of the damage and any messages and evidence.

I'm sorry, its not what you want to be doing, but it will be useful later.

And write out notes of what you cant document. As detailed as possible with dates and times.

Can you start making a list of actions to help clear things in your mind

GP for health appt
Police for non-mol
Locksmith - to get this changed today so he doesn't appear suddenly or refuse to go. You need to feel safe in your home.

The police can then help you get referrals to anything else and put things in place.

Then you can cross off who you have phoned and what they're actioning for you. Don't protect him. He smashed up the house he needs reporting. Get this done and recorded now before he wants to have the kids at weekends. You can contact his friends and creeps he's been with but annoyingly to protect yourself you're going to have to start ringing around people who can help you practically and these other people aren't going to help you. Maybe your friend can support you while you do it?