Husband’s secret double life exposed, not sure how to move forward

[Broken186]

I have just found out last night my husband of almost 17years together 23 years has been sleeping with men, prostitutes and trans M/F for at least the last 10 years behind . I am utterly devastated. He’s been working away and due to past issues I’ve been on my guard and knew he was acting different so I went through his phone and found he was on a swingers site, read through as many of the messages as I could stand. I don’t know who the hell I’ve been married to. I’ve kicked him out but don’t know where to go from here. We’ve got 3 children 20,14,7 and feel like the oldest should know straight away that his dad’s gone but that I should hold of telling the other 2. I’m at a loss of where to even begin

Get an STI test and talk to someone you trust. Don’t worry about “outing” him or anything like that btw, he’s a cheater first before he’s gay or bi sexual. It’s not your secret to keep.

Also call the police about him trashing your room. What a fucking rodent! Do not lie to the police, trust me it never ends well. With the police, it’s a bit of a lottery based on who you get - some of them are amazing and some of them need to refresh their sensitivity training.

Perhaps also contact woman’s aid, they might be able to help but also provide a listening ear.

I don't think men like this think about anyone else but themselves

Police-emergency restraining order. You don’t want the stress of him coming back right now. If you don’t legally you have no way of blocking him from house if you co own. Look after yourself and your children. Bit by bit

I am strongly advising for her NOT to lie

Bloody hell, my heart goes out to you. Sounds like you have support which is great.

My only comment to add is that as soon as you can, you should start assembling financial and asset info ready to give to solicitor so they can give you best advice on separation of them.

I wish you all the very best.

I agree with this OP. What he did is much much worse and if it ever got brought up that you smashed his phone I doubt anyone would blame you - even though they might not say it.

Your ex sounds completely out of control.

His message about coming back to you unwashed shows a total lack of disrespect and getting a kick out of the secrecy. My ex was like that but in different ways.

I actually covered for my ex when he cheated and left me as bizarrely felt very ashamed. He then made up all sorts about me and smeared me to everyone. It's better to say now. I also think your older 2 should probably know.

Im SO sorry you're going through this, it is absolutely awful. It's an absolute joke that this behaviour (prolific cheating) isn't regarded as abusive as it absolutely is.

Can you lock yourself in the house when needed? I'd change the locks. People will say you can't but in this situation I would think about it.

Take care and if he needs to come back to get stuff I would have other adults/police there just to be precautions.

He's not going to suddenly develop any integrity and be accountable for what he's done.

Sadly it's best if the OP takes control of what the children are told, noone in this scenario can rely on the cheater to provide an honest account of their behaviour.

He might still be afraid of his secrets coming out in court though.

Nail on the head!

Just don't say anything about the phone. He probably wont bring it up as he knows what was on it. Anyway, and phone is nothing compared to what he's done and your emotional state at the time would be taken into consideration surely.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this through no fault of your own. Hope you are moving forward ok.

I can’t legally change the locks we both own the house or I would have done it yesterday

I would get an appointment with your GP. They can tell you if you can have the STI test done while having your period. It may not be possible but you can at least book an appointment for when it’s finished. They will also record the incident on your medical records and can alert the safeguarding team. You need to do this as well as report to the police. As many people who know, the better, to protect you AND your children.

This is why you need to report what he did.

Breaking his phone is neither here nor there. But he has the right to access your shared home, and he's smashed it up. You need to tell the police today, and then contact your GP or a sexual health clinic about an STI check. They can still do them when you're on. Get it out of the way.

You need to tell professionals, so they can protect you and your children.

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you! Lots of good advice by PP, but also please remember to eat and drink today, even though you may not feel like it.
♥️♥️♥️

But you lost your key right?

I hope you’re ok lovely

But if you report him to the police for violently smashing up the house, they may at least be able to put an order in place that prevents him from returning to the property.
What you did to his phone was an understandable (and brief) knee-jerk reaction in a shocking situation. But what he did to your home sounds prolonged, violent and vindictive. The police will be concerned about his state of mind for being around children, and them witnessing domestic violence from him. They have a duty of care to mitigate this, and I would be very surprised if they didn't prevent him from returning to the property.

What an absolute piece of shit he is. Has he trashed things before?

If you haven't already reported the damage he's done to your home to the police, ask yourself why.

Why are you protecting him, why aren't you protecting yourself. And if for some reason you don't think you are worth protecting (which of course you are), ask yourself why you're not taking action to protect your children. Your husband is counting on you not to report it – it's just another way in which he has complete contempt for you. Don't be his dupe again (as he sees it) and fulfil his expectations.

You smashing up your phone is an absolute non-story in comparison. No need lie to the police about it.

Seriously, as much shock as you are in, you need to take action on this. If you are capable of posting about this horrible experience on Mumsnet, you're capable of picking up the phone to the police. Don't let it get to the end of today and not have done it.

Wishing you the best.

What an odious, selfish man.

Book yourself in for a full STD checkup and start divorce proceedings. Those websites he was using are seedy and full of disgusting men who have sex without protection.

What's he going to do about it in reality though? It's not a criminal matter. He'd have to spend significant time and money taking it through court. Get his aggression reported to the police so you have it documented. You might be glad you did in the future - you unfortunately have no idea how a man will react in this situation. He's essentially a stranger to you now.

I’ve messaged some of the men he’s been speaking to, had one reply so far confirming what they have been doing and apologising as he assumed I knew as his partner apparently is aware of what he does

His extreme reaction to being found out isn't unexpected Op, he's kept this secret for years, now he'd been able to vent his sexuality he'd already started to blame you for having to live a double life, it's there in his contempt for you with the vile not washing remark.
Obviously none of this is your fault but he'll be furious he's found out, he wasn't to be trusted before and really isn't now. You need to protect yourself and your home by any legal means. Don't believe that he'll feel guilty and want to be fair to you.
This is a horrible time for you, please take care of yourself

oh Jesus.

the bragging about not washing between being with them and coming home to you.

that’s genuinely one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

OP, one positive from this is that you can move on with NO doubts. No niggling “what ifs” and listening to his excuses. No wondering if you are doing the right thing.

Get as far away from him as possible, as quickly as possible, and rebuild your life.

you can do it. You are going to be so much better without him.