Husband’s secret double life exposed, not sure how to move forward

[Broken186]

I have just found out last night my husband of almost 17years together 23 years has been sleeping with men, prostitutes and trans M/F for at least the last 10 years behind . I am utterly devastated. He’s been working away and due to past issues I’ve been on my guard and knew he was acting different so I went through his phone and found he was on a swingers site, read through as many of the messages as I could stand. I don’t know who the hell I’ve been married to. I’ve kicked him out but don’t know where to go from here. We’ve got 3 children 20,14,7 and feel like the oldest should know straight away that his dad’s gone but that I should hold of telling the other 2. I’m at a loss of where to even begin

He smashed his own phone surely as he vented his rage????

Ah OP , I'm really sorry this has happened to you 😔.
Can you & your children go stay with family tonight, I wouldn’t stay at home , it doesn’t sound safe x

You must phone the police and tell them everything.

You can show his friend the screenshots. He’ll soon realise. I mean why on earth would you make this up.

F*ing dirty bastard.

Stop thinking that you shouldnt report him in case you get into trouble.

Please, do stop thinking that.

If it makes you feel better, you can admit that you did that and show the evidence as to why. But he will be in a lot more trouble than you. Please do call them.

I didnt realise OP was in England or that that was the law in England. (Only note he travelled to London for work). Thanks for highlighting different legal system. But evidence will be useful - when e.g. he arracks her credibility in any criminal trial and says she is making it all up

OMG! What a POS he is. I feel so sorry for you. I can’t imagine what a shock this has been for. Phone police and don’t give too much info to his friends etc. Just think of yourself and how to move forward from this. Sending love xx

So sorry, I hope your OK. Don’t sugar coat it or protect him and get an sti test done asap. I’ve been in this situation myself and was totally blindsided - 4 years on, thriving! I don’t think you ever get over the amount of lies and deceit but you’re not the first and won’t be the last. Be prepared for him to tell a completely different version of events.. you know the truth, he’s not the person you thought he was - never has been! Tell someone you trust who can support you and don’t dare hide or be ashamed. His seedy life choice are all his, now he can own it and you can move on with your life. Sending hugs xx

Ugh. In my opinion this should be counted as sexual assault. OP if you do have an STI it may well be…it’s on par with the men who drug and rape their wives. What a scumbag.

I'd involve police and also tell everyone in both your family and his. Don't be shamed into keeping his secrets. Do what you have to for yourself and your children. He isn't the person you thought he was.

So sorry OP. No wonder you’re beyond dining/devestated.

what has he done to the house? I can see other people posting about it but can’t see what you’ve said he’s done

Surely, tell the police everything. I don't think lying about the phone would be wise.

Where is his broken phone now ?
because if it is still in your home, all you need is the sim card out of it.

Telling the police isn’t about who should get a telling off, it’s about safety. You smashed the phone after reading those messages on it, yes it is damage to property but limited and in a context that makes sense. Now imagine instead you had gone around smashing up the house your children live in, there might be a few more concerns there right?

He’s been caught and his reaction isn’t mortification and contrition, it sounds like it was to go on a drunken angry rampage in the family home! There could be more of this. You may face a day when you are battling over custody arrangements. It would be better for many reasons to have the truth on record (yes including about the phone, no trump card for him).

OP this sounds so hard. Adding to all the other voices that calling the police sounds wise. They should have officers trained for domestic incidents who can support you . And there is Women's Aid.

Sending my best.

Same as other posters OP phone the police right away and do not give a toss about the phone - that is not an issue - the voilent damage to the house and abuse to you is very important for them to have a track of. Smashing up phone is completely reasonable in this situation and zero problem. Save everything and send it to a friend. My word I cannot imagine. You will come out of this stronger. Some men are utterly despicable to women. This is about power over you. It’s deeply disgraceful. Your children may go NC with him but that might not be a bad thing as he sounds deeply nasty. I wouldn’t worry about keeping any secrets (apart from youngest/younger). Absolutely disgusting I’m so sorry. Xxx

He smashed his phone. And when the accusation is that you did it 'well why would I do that, it contains proof that I need on it'

He smashed everything up

This is awful OP 😔

Please consider ringing your GP tomorrow so they can help you manage the stress 🫂

Call the police op

What will they do? Sorry just read about him trashing the house. Sorry you’re going through this,OP

I am so sorry OP.

As others have said, please tell the police. They won’t care that you smashed his phone. You need to get his more significant violence documented.

Tomorrow, use your anger…

1. get the kids to school
2. speak to the police
3. If possible get a family member over
4. arrange to speak to a solicitor
5. start looking for paperwork
6. talk to ALL your children in age appropriate way
7. eat & sleep

OP, that's horrible. I hope you have copies of everything. As to the phone, forget you smashed it and report what he did to your house - which is much worse than smashing a phone. Be safe and tell people what has happened.

Nasty Bastard

So instead of being mortified at his betrayal, he has turned on you in rage and smashed things up? Actually the pouring of the beer onto your bed is the clincher for me - it's a hateful, deliberate act that reads as "I hate you".

OP I hate to say this but not only was he a stranger to you sexually, he was a closet nasty, woman-hating pig. You have probably been his beard for the entire time and he is raging that he no longer has a cover story. Cunt.

Everything @squareroot suggested plus (sadly) STI clinic.

Do not beg
Do not crY (in front of him)
ICE COLD all the way. He does not even deserve your emotions or pain - save those for friends and family who love you.