Husband’s secret double life exposed, not sure how to move forward

[Broken186]

I have just found out last night my husband of almost 17years together 23 years has been sleeping with men, prostitutes and trans M/F for at least the last 10 years behind . I am utterly devastated. He’s been working away and due to past issues I’ve been on my guard and knew he was acting different so I went through his phone and found he was on a swingers site, read through as many of the messages as I could stand. I don’t know who the hell I’ve been married to. I’ve kicked him out but don’t know where to go from here. We’ve got 3 children 20,14,7 and feel like the oldest should know straight away that his dad’s gone but that I should hold of telling the other 2. I’m at a loss of where to even begin

NOT this.

Why should OP waste even one second worrying about his welfare.

Whatever you do, don't lie to the police. You really don't need to be trying to wrangle that as well. What a nightmare for you OP.

OP you must be utterly devastated, I’m so sorry.
Please call the police, get the damage on record. THe damage to his phone is 1 thing, a reponse to finding out what he has been doing, that’s not the same as wrecking the family home that his children live in.

I don’t know how the law works but I’d certainly be showing police the photograph of the message about him not washing and coming home to you because that is not just cheating, that’s a vile thing to do.
(I know it’s a crime to remove the condom without the other person knowing, so wonder if this would be treated as a similar thing?)

I know you’re in shock, and none of this can be easy, but please speak to the police.,
protect yourself and your children. And absolutely an STD test

I hope you have good friends and family to help you through this awful situation. x

I’m shocked about how many are asking you to lie about the phone. Unless you are a remarkable liar and manipulator, you won’t be able to convince them you didn’t (he will tell his version as well). The moment they doubt you about the phone (they will) it is the same moment they will start doubting you about the rest.

Own up. You need to call the police for the sake of your children not just yours, tell them the truth. It is understandable that you broke the phone but having such a rampage destroying his children’s home is not and shows he can get far worse than that.

that is truly horrific and I am beyond sorry that is provocation in my view for any of our actions.

Oh OP, my God. I'm so sorry. What an absolute disgusting piece of rotten ball sack.

I would think if you explain why you smashed the phone no one would blame you, I would have smashed his fucking head instead.

In the light of what she found on that phone I think police would understand.

Look up reactive abuse. What you did was reactive. I would also imagine that you are smaller and less powerful than him, so you losing it will not be as frightening to him, as him losing it will be to you. Your children also need to know that this behaviour is criminal.

I think you showed restraint to just smash his phone and not him btw. And I can’t believe after what he has done that he got aggressive and didn’t slope off with his pathetic tail between his legs.

Now you have seen behind his mask expect the mask to come fully off and the monster to emerge fully.

Im so sorry you are going through this.

Try and arrange some things for the kids so they are out of the house having fun and you can process. Wait until you feel more settled and calm before you decide what to tell them. Get some advice first.

Right now though you are in survival.

Firstly you have had a massive shock and your body will be reeling. Make sure you try and eat little bits when you can. Anything. I know you might not feel like it but lack of food will keep the cortisol and adrenaline high and make it harder for your body to come back down. Keep hydrated. Same reason. Cry. Rant. Scream. Etc when the kids aren’t home. Watch comforting things on TV. Whatever allows your body to feel
safer.

You will need an STI test at some point in the next week or so and talk to the GP about what’s happened and the impact on you emotionally - it will lay the paper trail of the emotional impact of his actions just in case it matters later on, and they can sign you off work and refer you to relevant support services. Also contact domestic abuse support. His actions are abuse and my guess is there is more. They will have all kinds of support available.

He sounds like a piece of work so if you plan to divorce him (I imagine you will) get paperwork together while he’s not there. Given his response so far I fully expect he’ll play dirty.

Transfer half of any joint account to your account. Get all bank account details. Where the money is etc. Get your and your DC passports and give them to a trusted person to keep safe. You’ll need your passport and marriage certificate to file for divorce. Get the house deeds, vehicle documents. Take copies at least. Anything precious to you, store somewhere safe. I don’t mean expensive items, just things he might know matter to you. Photos, sentimental things.

Good luck. Look after yourself extra well even if you don’t feel like it.

Exactly, that’s why I find the advice to blame him for breaking his own phone stupid and irresponsible. They will see through the lie straight away, why would he break his own phone.

It is better to own up, police will not congratulate her for that but will certainly understand.

very different set of circumstances, but I once smashed my husband’s phone (after he had destroyed several of my possessions). When reporting to the police I gave the whole story, so nothing could come out unexpectedly. They were completely un shocked, and I know that I didn’t lie to them. Good luck

“Some of the messages he was bragging about not washing after being with a man and then coming back home to me”

This probably reaches a threshold for criminal behaviour, since he was trying to make you ill. Tell the police.

I think once you read his message about not washing you instantly feel like she was justified to smash the phone. I dont think OP should lie. Its actually shows how distressing this whole situation is for her.

The bruises are from when you were smacking the sink when you were in a state of distress.

He is an absolute scumbag. Have you called the police? Book your STI as soon as you can.

Next time he leaves the house, change the locks, get a ring doorbell and start fighting.

Play dirty if you have to. He’s done it to you over and over and over.

Actually, this! Huge disregard for her health ((

Yes he has form, so I contacted his sister and she spoke to his best mate,

OP this is beyond disgusting. I am so so sorry. No one. No one. Should ever have to go through this. Exposure. Not your shame or secret. His best friend is an idiot. Show him the messages.

I'm sure other posters will share helpful, practical advice (and I reiterate STI testing; focus on your health) but I just want to wish you recovery and healing from what is one hell of a betrayal. You won't believe it now, but one day this will not hurt anymore and will be past history. Take care of yourself.

Op im sorry, yoy have amazing support here
How is support at home? Friends and family?

Get a divorce he obviously likes guys? Who knows if his been using condoms I'd get myself tested to make sure he hasn't given you anything as well this isn't a once off thing

Tell whoever you need to to get support, but be wary that it might also impact negatively on the children i.e. they might experience bullying around it. This happened with my sister's kids. Other kids can be cruel, exploiting any sign of "weakness". It's a fine line. You will know who to trust with this information. The police, obvs.

I don't get the impression he was even present when she smashed the phone.

My SIL, my mum and step dad, 2 of my friends and I’ve just messaged the mental health lead at work who it turns out has been through exactly the same thing 😢. I’m dropping my youngest at school and going meeting a friend. I can only my period last night so don’t feel like going getting tested whilst I’m on x

Clearly you are devastated. Get legal advice immediately in your options.. You can get an injunction to keep him away.
Get tested for STI and go to GP if you need some help with your mental health.
Review your finances including all assets and debts and pensions.

Work out your exit strategy once you have legal and financial advice. Assuming you want a divorce, where will you live? Can you afford to stay in the home? . If you and he own the home jointly, what is likely outcome of that,? what child support will he pay, can you get a job or access benefits.? Do you have a car etc and other necessities?

I think maybe you need to give him a deadline by which he must tell the children that your marriage has broken down and that he is leaving. He will need to deal with the why question, but you will also need to be ready to deal with any lies or manipulation . Will your children want to see him? How will that impact you and them?

It will be tough times ahead but the future will be brighter eventually.

Please call the police. Get the non molestation order sorted.

Yes take picturesof the damage and start logging everything. If he's violent on top of everything else, you really need to build a case agsinst him. What a pig.