Husband’s secret double life exposed, not sure how to move forward

[Broken186]

I have just found out last night my husband of almost 17years together 23 years has been sleeping with men, prostitutes and trans M/F for at least the last 10 years behind . I am utterly devastated. He’s been working away and due to past issues I’ve been on my guard and knew he was acting different so I went through his phone and found he was on a swingers site, read through as many of the messages as I could stand. I don’t know who the hell I’ve been married to. I’ve kicked him out but don’t know where to go from here. We’ve got 3 children 20,14,7 and feel like the oldest should know straight away that his dad’s gone but that I should hold of telling the other 2. I’m at a loss of where to even begin

He’s a fuxking prince, isn’t he ?

please call the police. Protect yourself and your DC. Do not keep his secret.

Hi,
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.
Given the fact that he has trashed part of the family home which is clearly domestic abuse you could apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you and your family and you can apply to the family court yourself for free.

A non-molestation order is typically issued to prohibit an abuser from using or threatening physical violence, intimidating, harassing, pestering or communicating with you. In your case he used physical violence when he trashed part of your home. An order could prevent the abuser coming within a certain distance of you, your home address or even attending your place of work. It could also include your children in certain circumstances. An order will also prevent an abuser from instructing or encouraging others to do any of those actions.
If you have a non-molestation order in place, then the police can arrest your abuser for the offence of breaching that order.
You can complete Form FL401 on GOV.UK yourself and submit it alongside a personal witness statement detailing the behaviour you need protection from.
Also, the NCDV (National Centre for Domestic Violence) helps domestic abuse victims complete paperwork and navigate the court process entirely for free.

By the way, don't worry about smashing the prick's phone. In the circumstances, that's a non event. If you call the police, they will not be remotely interested in that but they will be very interested in protecting you and your family.
Domestic violence is taken very seriously by the police and courts.

I wish you all the best.

Please don't tell OP to lie about the phone. She's posted about it on a public forum. He could prove she lied to the police if he found the thread.

However you still need to report it to the police. Your safety is at risk as is your children's. It's vanishingly unlikely that they will take any action over the phone even if he does mention it.

Echo what everyone else is saying, get a police report for the damage and abuse.
dont worry about a smashed phone you need to make sure you and kids are safe.

This is awful. You never know, you never bloody know the person you marry really. We none of us know. This is awful.

I'm certainly not telling her to lie about the phone. What I am saying is that the police will not be interested in the fact that she broke his phone. She should of course tell them but nothing will come of her breaking his phone in these circumstances.

Dont ... keep this in your back pocket. Just tell the kids youve split up ... dont apportion blame.

No, you will not end up in any trouble about the phone. My guess is he will not mention it as it holds all the details of his sordid behaviour. If it does come up, say you didn't notice it on the floor since the house was such a mess, and stood on it accidentally, or that he must have destroyed it himself while wrecking something else/ in a fit of derangement.

Please, please call the police ASAP!!!

If you don't call soon, he will accuse you of wrecking the house to frame him, and accuse you of being deranged.

EDITED - Agree with those saying the police will not be interested in the phone and you can come clean about it. They will be very interested in the trashing of the home, and you need to call them ASAP to get the non molestation order (and also Residence Order) in motion. You will need evidence of danger for these orders.

YOU MUST GET A THOROUGH STD PANEL DONE - EVERY STD UNDER THE SUN.

I've been there, and done that. The staff at the clinic I went to were the nicest people I've ever met. I never dreamed I'd end up getting tested.

Take the day off work.

Oh dear op. Definitely don’t keep his secret for him out of your embarrassment. It’s his shame he should be embarrassed about.

And mine...more common than people think sadly.

It is extremely common!

Grinder, FabSwingers and other dating sites are RIFE with so many “straight married men with kids” who are in the closet and are cheating on their families.

I am certain every woman will have a partner, family member, friend or colleague who is like this.

OP I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. If you speak to the police don’t even mention the phone. You need to take the next few days off work (because you won’t be able to concentrate) and you need to do the following ASAP:
Full STI test (including the blood test for HIV)
Report the damages to the police.
Speak to a solicitor re: divorce, finances and the house.
When everything has sunken in, please access therapy for yourself.

What a horrible nasty man.
Boasting about possibly giving you an STI.

So sorry you are going through this @Broken186

Report and take note of the advice on here about the non molestation order.

It's awful what he's done to you, but also to his children. This will come out eventually and will shock them to the core, but they are so lucky that they have you to look after them, love them and protect them.

If he was spending lots of time working in London, it sounds like he will already have somewhere to go there, so you don't need to disrupt the DC and can take steps to protect the house from any return. It's also great that your SIL has been so supportive.

Sounds like his best friend knew all about it if he gas lit you, don't give him any more information.

Do you have friends/family members who can give you some support, lean on them.

You are well shot of this horrible man and will have a better life without him.

You will need the support of people who care about you so start telling them.now. I'm so sorry.

This. You need to call the police.

Oh I’m sorry, do you have a close friend or family member who can stay the night or longer if needed? I agree to tell your eldest child, maybe not all the details as they will also be in shock and may not handle the situation well. The younger two I would maybe say you are having a trial separation due some disagreements for now. I agree with other posters to contact the police to at least give yourself some leverage and protection incase he decides to come back. The police can order a three month at the most non molestation order. To give you and the children time to process. I contacted the NCDV previously and they took a statement over the phone. They arranged a court case, which I had to attend, my exh was required to attend but did not turn up. I was given a six month non molestation order and occupation order. This will give give you space to plan your next steps. When you feel ready contact a solicitor xxx

How awful for you
It may be worth considering (for his family, sister maybe) that he will be at high risk of suicide having this come out. Not your responsibility but a welfare check may be in order

"Some of the messages he was bragging about not washing after being with a man and then coming back home to me"

Forgive me, I'm unfamiliar with British law, but wouldn't this be considered a crime? I know that having purposely unprotected sex when you know you have an STD is a criminal offense in the US. Doing so while knowing there's a high likelihood that you have been exposed to STDs, particularly AIDS, should be as well.

Oh, @Broken186 He's vile and disgusting. Please get tested, report him for all of the abuse, and take the children to stay somewhere safe until you have a protection order in place.

Someone earlier mentioned No Fault divorce, but DA and SA would at least have some bearing on custody, at least.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. No one deserves too be treated like this. 💐

Smashing the phone doesn't always mean the hard drive is destroyed. As repulsive as it may be, it'd be smart to have a copy of everything.

If he's been using joint funds to pay for any of this, you'll have proof to reclaim it.

OP do not listen to suggestions to lie to the police. These cases will often boil down to he said/she said & lying to the police & potentially a court of law would wreck your credibility.

same for changing the locks, if you own jointly you can’t do that. Though maybe he will do you all a favour and stay in London.

don’t pressure yourself to tell the kids, he has gone back to work. Same for other people, you have the control here on what you do/don’t tell people. Get STD checks done.

If you can afford it, get some therapy booked in, this is one hell of a thing to discover and getting yourself some support will help especially in this situation where you might not want to tell everyone the ins & outs!

I’m sorry he has turned out like this, he clearly never stopped to think of the effect on your or his children, the people he professes to love the most. Just take your time to deal with it and work through how its making you feel. Look after yourself the best you can

Agree with the others. Definitely call the police - for your safety and your children's. I'm not a lawyer but check the Criminal Damage Act 1971, it is an offence to intentionally or recklessly destroy or damage property belonging to another without a lawful excuse

Tell everyone the basic facts, he's a proven liar and will continue to lie and they need to know what he did. Everyone deserves to know he can't be trusted in any capacity and you deserve support. Anyone who does not support you after this should be immediately binned.

Get legal advice, get yourself tested for diseases, make sure there are no hidden cameras in your house, and get yourself some counselling, his betrayal is so incredibly repulsive you will likely never get over it - but it will help to talk to someone about how to move through your shock, horror, trauma and devastation.

I would call the police as this will likely enable you to get a non molestation order and keep him out the house, should he decide that he isn't going to move out somewhere down the line , also do you want this sham of a man having the kids 50/50 , I would have thought that frequenting sex workers is not the best parental figure to have

He could be up to no good with this friend or the friend might do the same shit he is. I wouldn’t put anything past this grubby bastard or pay attention to his ‘friend’