Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

[DangerMouse33]

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

who knows now days the victim mentality
Or manipulating children
Everyrhing is seen as abusive no days.

It sounds to me like they have tolerated him, don't really like him, don't like the set up etc. If you have been with him a long time, did he enter their lives as much younger DC. Have they lived with the situation as they had no choice as children, but are now resentful adults as they harbour ill will to him for being inflicted on them and don't like him either?

If so, the shoulder and shouting incident was the permission they felt they need to say "no more, we are done".

The situation you’ve gone on to describe sounds nothing like mucking about however he’s apologised so I expect there is more of a back story for the DC’s stance. These is also the other side where I have a sibling who likes an excise to go NC from various family members from time to time and id certainly not expect anyone to separate from a partner based on that alone as the crimes are always VERY minor. Only you know the real situation and without more details I don’t think anyone can give you much advice

Assuming that your AC have over reacted then that's fine if you decide to stay with your partner. If this is the case it looks like they are just looking for an excuse to cut the relationship and manipulate you. Stick to your guns.

Well, 'hypothetically', they may dislike his views, or the way he behaves, the way he treats you or the way he treats them. They may have harboured dislike for him for a long while, and him humiliating one of them in company was the final straw. The fact your DC has had to instil boundaries speaks volumes. I think there's more to this than you're letting on and we can't really judge on the limited information you've given. However, if he's an arse who behaves badly and can't respect boundaries then I'd quit being an apologist for him and dump him.

I eventually recognised the OP's narrative pattern: the missing missing reasons.

She's a narcissist. Narc parents always play down the "last straw" incident that leads to NC and pretend everything was fine before. They act like they have no idea why their DC have gone NC, and when challenged with "surely there must be more to this?" they get evasive and go silent.

In reality, their DC have told them exactly why. The narc simply doesn't think that the DC have a right to boundaries for any reason, so the reasons the DC gave for setting a boundary don't register in the narc's head as reasons for setting a boundary, because the narc doesn't recognise the boundary itself as legitimate.

the crimes are always VERY minor

Clearly, the family member doesn't think so, especially if those "minor" things make a pattern of behaviour that, in aggregate, isn't tolerable.

If she is an adult and he told her off in public, I can quite see how she is pissed off. I imagine he has pissed both your children off a lot for a long time them to go to NC.

What do you mean when you said he touched her shoulders? Was it at the same time he was shouting? Did he grab them?

Seriously ?

Not read the article, but what you wrote in your post sounds much more like autism than narcissist. ( though the two can appear similar, and I have that from an autism specialist consultant psychologist before anyone jumps down my throat, as well as a lifetime of lived experience of diagnosed autistic close male family members). Narcissists know what they are doing, so they would know why you are upset, but may deliberately gaslight you that what happened was trivial. An autistic person ( who has the combination and severity of traits to think and behave this way) would genuinely not understand the significance of what they have done. It wasn’t important to them, and their ego centred/ impaired empathy/ rigid thinking means if it was not a significant incident to them, they genuinely cannot understand why it was important to you. And you cannot explain it to them. They will be genuinely baffled by your reaction, and likely blame you for the pain your reaction causes them.

Another psychologist who worked with narcissists and autistic people explained it as, a narcissist is trying to destroy you, an autistic person won’t even realise they are doing so.( again, caveat, depending on the autistic traits, NAAPALT). In my experience, autistic men are much more likely to have these traits than women.

To answer your hypothetical question though, would I ever choose a partner over my children? With no backstory, I can't imagine ever choosing a partner over my kids. I wouldn't choose anyone over them, not my DH (their dad), or even my Mum.
It's hard to answer without hearing what's happened fully.

you need to speak to them and get all the details.

Ask your children if they’d accept you staying in the relationship and keeping your relationship with them separate. That’s what I asked of my father when his partner messed up with me. I was willing to see him at my house or meet up for breakfast etc without his partner. It’s worth mentioning he did not agree and wanted me to forgive the partner so I’ve been NC with him for 2 years.

Why did you bother posting? Without the details of what he did, no one can help you. A "touch of the shoulder" and "telling off" does not sound the basis for nc so I suspect a heck of a lot more has gone on to get to this stage.

Op isn't coming back as she didn't get rhe answers she wanted.
She doesn't want to face the truth.

What you want is for someone else to make a decision for you that you need to be adult enough to own - thing is, we can't make a life decision like this on your behalf, especially when you haven't disclosed the true facts about the situation.

likely the permission you are looking for is to choose your partner over your children.

Otherwise you'd have walked away from him and restored the relationship and trust that your children expect from you, their mother.

Op, there’s clearly way more to this than this one incident, there is history here. It’s also clear it is serious from your daughters perspective, and you minimising that and blaming her not him, is not going to help things.