Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

[DangerMouse33]

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

Yes, I'm not surprised you're looking at no contact.

Either neither child has liked him for a while and this is the excuse they need. Maybe they don’t think he treats you well or has offensive views.

Or the incident was much much worse than you’re admitting and they feel you’re ignoring the harm caused and they feel they have no choice but to cease contact with you.

You’ll know the truth. We know the very little you’re sharing.

Hmmm all doesn’t quite add up.

Not sure I would call that mucking around.

I don’t really believe it’s this one instance alone, OP. I’m guessing there was an already strained relationship between your kids and DP?

Who does he think he is telling off another adult?

I wouldn’t be wanting contact with him, either. If he’s like that with them, they’re possibly wondering what he’s like with you behind closed doors.

Theres definitely a back story. OP for what its worth I would put my kids before absolutely anyone, including their Dad. They have one Mum, me, and its my job to put them first always. Partners may come and go.

Interesting

Taken at face value, its absolutely no different to the advice constantly given on this forum about family dynamics where people are advised to correct other family members, put them in their place, give them what for, 'tell them off' for all intents and purposes.

People are advised on here to tell off other adults all the time.

What is he like generally, is he overly opinionated/boorish?

What exactly did he tell her off about and why the need to touch her shoulders?

I think if it’s serious enough for them both to potentially go NC then you are the one who is missing something, sorry.

the only things I can think that might lead to that situation are well beyond 'messing about'!

The OP's latest update makes this point moot, but, remember that Savile often touched girls inappropriately in view of their parents and played it off as a joke.

My comment that got hidden by the robomod talked about how there are men who have a [word that starts with F and rhymes with "wettish"] about sexual activity with their partner's daughters and make and consume [homophone of pawn] about this. I was always on edge around my mum's partners, even before I knew about this. Any daughter is likely to be more sensitive about her mother's partner touching her than she will be about her dad, even if the touch is completely innocent, because it's always in the back of her mind that this man is unrelated to her and may have inappropriate ideas about her.

I don't think partners should ever be prioritised over dependent children, but it's more nuanced when the children are adults. Adult step-chuldren can be very unreasonable, and can resent the relationship their parent is in, even if it's a healthy one for the parent.

It sounds as if OPs kids are overreacting, and may be making a minor issue into a big deal to try to break up their mums relationship.

They're really not!

Yes, and I always think that’s overstepping as well! Nobody should be telling anyone off if they don’t have a position of authority over them.

I don’t think it is ever justified to choose your partner over your children.

You are coming across as if you are minimising what he did and more importantly, how it made your children feel. You say it was mucking about but humiliating your daughter in front of other people, with hands on her, is way more than mucking about. You acknowledge it was wrong so why aren’t you doing anything about it? Why do you evict your own childten to just move on and accept that their mother wants to be with someone who treats them badly? Don’t you was how hurtful that is to them?

it is telling that both your children feel the same way because it shows it’s not just one of them being dramatic. I’d put money on the incident you describe being far from the first thing that has upset them.

If you want a discussion about the general ethics of such a situation, fine no need for details. If you want specific advice on your situation, then you need to say exactly what happened. What you say was ‘harmless no one hurt’ could well be very different from most others’ pov.

It could be justified if the adult DC had done something abhorrent I suppose. Impossible to say whether it can be justified in your case, but I assume you think so or you wouldn't need to ask.

No, honestly, I would choose my dc over anyone else on the planet.

You're being very cagey about what actually happened, but the fact that one DC has already gone NC and the second DC is considering it is enough to suggest to me that you are minimising the incident and not taking it seriously enough.

Out of interest, what is your partner's take on how your adult kids have reacted?

So he didn't grab her by the shoulders and shout in her face because he snapped? Was DC winding him up?

It does sound like he's given them the perfect excuse to cut contact. If DP is much less bothered by their decision than you are, then that could be the problem right there. Why wasn't the apology accepted?

If, for instance, I hear another adult saying something bigoted I will pick them up on it even if I have no position of authority over them.

Do you think I am wrong in this?

I suspect whatever happened was the straw that broke the camel’s back for your DC. As a DC of a mother who had no boundaries and would have justified a not acceptable behaviour to me from her partner, I can see your DC’s point of view. No Dc would go NC over a one off minor incident.

Essentially, he put hands on her, an unrelated male, without her consent, and humiliated her in front of a group?

Are you really struggling with choosing @DangerMouse33?

Either we are not getting the full story of what happened and/or of the existing relationship between your children and partner or, less likely, your children have issues which potentially affect all relationships that you have failed to tell us about. As it stands, your description of events and the reaction of your offspring are not matching up.

Yes. I think it’s fine to say you don’t want to hear it, but “picking them up on it” is not your business.

What did she say or do that prompted the telling off?

If that is all, only happened once and he apologised I think it forgivable.
However the fact that both children are reacting in the way you described leads me to think there is more to it, maybe things you don't know.

You really do need to sit down with both of them, without your partner present, and calmly ask for more detail because, as it stands, it makes no sense.

I know this isn't easy and am sorry.