Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

[DangerMouse33]

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

For Christ’s sake we can’t possibly advise you with so little context.

Told her off how? And why?

What actions of yours daughters led up to the “telling off”?

What did your partner say to her whilst he had hold of her shoulders?

Did he raise his voice? Was he patronising or insulting?

Who was the “company”? Where were you all when this happened?

Whatever the truth of the shoulders and telling off incident, it must be the end of a long line of incidents or bad feelings, especially as two children are threatening no contact .
what do your kids think of him generally?

That’s a distinction without a difference IMO.

You downplaying it as him 'mucking about' is probably the reason they have cut contact.

@DangerMouse33 I’m really sorry you’re in this position, it sounds utterly heartbreaking. From what you’ve said, this wasn’t a violent or sexual incident, and no one was hurt. It was a moment of poor judgement, he touched her shoulders and told her off in company, and he’s apologised. You’ve acknowledged he was wrong. That’s all anyone can reasonably expect.

But there is a lot of info missing from your post, i.e the ages of the adult children and whether they live at home with you or you all live together in his or your home. I think that could make a big difference. So I am writing this on the assumption the DC do not live with you.

Adult children absolutely have the right to set boundaries, but they don’t get to dictate your entire romantic life unless the partner is abusive or dangerous. What you’ve described doesn’t fall into that category. How would they feel of they brought a partner to see you and you didn't like the way they acted adn you told them it was you or you go NC?

Going NC over this, and the second DC threatening NC unless you leave your partner, feels disproportionate and emotionally loaded.

You don’t need to choose between them. You can hold your line calmly: “I love you, I’m here when you’re ready, but I’m not ending my relationship over this.” Then leave the door open. They may need time to cool off, and that’s fine, but you don’t have to dismantle your life to satisfy an ultimatum.

Sometimes adult children do overreact, especially when there are complicated feelings about a parent’s partner. You’ve been with your DP for years; it’s okay to protect that relationship while still loving your DC. You’ve already shown you can be honest about DP’s mistake. Now the ball is in their court.

Hold steady. Don’t chase. Don’t grovel. Let them sit with their feelings. They may well come back once the dust settles.

I don’t think adult children should tell their parents how to live their lives so I can see how refusing to give in to their demands is justified, OP.

This is a big reason why ills continue to in the world today. Pretending you don’t want to hear instead of calling people out on their bigotry is why it continues to thrive especially when the people in question are not strangers to you.

Sorry, but you can’t really get proper advice without saying specifically what he did.

Hypothetically, he could have touched her on the shoulders and said “now, I think you’ve had too much to drink”. She was plastered, took it really seriously and never got over it. I have seen drunk people take things the wrong way, and once sober they will not accept that they were drunk and the imagined wrong or slight is just in their own beer clouded brain. So hypothetically, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect his apology to be the end of it.

But there are other hypotheticals, in which he did something properly wrong, not for the first time, and you brushed it off and took his side, not for the first time, and made them feel unsupported. His forced apology might have seemed disingenuous and they don’t understand why you’re still with him.

How are we supposed to know? Surely if you really think he didn’t do anything wrong you already have the answer?

Was you child being an arse to you, or in a way that offended you? That would be less clear cut.

If the 'telling off' and 'touching' was parental in style, that would depend on the relationship he has with her.

If he overstepped by touching or telling off when the relationship isn't genuinely parent/child, your kids aren't BU.

It really depends on context.

OP, no child goes NC with their mum over something minor. Two children, definitely not.

Either that incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, ie your dd has been feeling angry, rejected, betrayed for a long time, or there was more to it than you saw.

You brought this man into their lives (their home?) without consulting them, and they clearly loath him. How could you not have realised that?

Go back to your dd when she is calm and ask her to explain why she has reacted in this way, what it is that you don't know, but only if you are prepared to act on it. Perhaps you and your dp need to live apart until your dcs leave home.

Yes this, and also: what do you think of your kids generally? Are they reasonable people? Do you often find that you think they’ve over reacted to things or if they told you there was someone in their life they never wanted to see again would they tend to have good reason?

He touched her shoulders and told her off? But she's an adult?

You need to explain what actually happened. We can't give you anything when this is all we know. It all sounds weird.

Not enough context to judge. It looks like the tipping point for your DC. There likely has been a combination of low level of "mucking about" in the past.

You're being evasive about what he actually did and the circumstances is not making you or him look very good

Touching her shoulders? Did he grab her? Was she sitting down and felt threatened by the position?

What did he say to her? And who was this in front of?

Why do you describe this as mucking about?

I’d be furious if a grown man touched my daughter - in what sounds at best in a condescending way and at worst in an an aggressive way.

This. How little you seem to want to say about what happened makes it look like you’re deliberately hiding it. Otherwise why wouldn’t your thread be: Is it ok to choose my DH after he said xyz and DD won’t forgive him despite the fact he’s apologised.

Boyfriends/partners/husbands/male friends/lovers/ come and go.

Kids are forever.

I guess what i'm trying to say is - what if you side with your partner, lose your kids, then split up with your partner anyway?

@DangerMouse33 How would you feel if one of your children’s partners did the same to you? Or put you in a similar situation?
Being embarrassed or humiliated is very difficult to recover from and forgive.
Just because it might not have been intentional doesn’t make the hurt any less.

@WhyCantISayFork

"Surely if you really think he didn’t do anything wrong you already have the answer?" but in her opening post @DangerMouse33 said "I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong"

Wrong enough to warrant being cut off then. Surely you know whether you think something deserves that or not?

I'm not sure why you'd describe holding an adult by the shoulders and telling her off in company as a 'mucking around' incident.

As pp have said, it's difficult to advise based on the information you've given, and not knowing whether this incident was perhaps a 'last straw'. What is their relationship like with your DP? Have you asked them if there were any prior issues?

What I would ask yourself is: Are your children usually sensible? Well-measured? Not prone to wild overreaction? Is their stance surprising to you because you wouldn't expect them to act that way?

If so, then I would have to think they have good reason for their reactions.

Regardless, it's up to you whether you choose your children or your DP. I would choose my children every time, but once they're truly adults, there are situations (violence, anti-social behaviour) where you shouldn't be expected to choose them over your own well-being. It's not about what others think - only you can work out what you can bear to live with in this situation.

So kids are perfect and never unreasonable?

You're minimising.

If you witnessed it, how did you respond in the moment? Did you tell him he’d overstepped? Or did you just let it go and brush over it thinking that it was just something small and silly?

Sorry but this makes no sense to me, can you elaborate?