Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

[DangerMouse33]

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

Don’t want to share all the details, not a drip feed. I was hoping for more hypothetical views on whether this choice can ever be justified.

Well then you’ll have to say what hypothetically happened.

Not necessarily, I know of situations in families where a rather unpleasant adult child makes a decision like this simply because they're quite controlling and are quite demanding and dont like being told no.

I don't think you'll get the views you're looking for because you're being so sketchy and are obviously in denial here.

Depends what you mean by is it ever right to choose over? If they're adults, they're normally going to move away and in with their own partner. Hopefully you'll still be close and see each other sometimes, but ther priority will be the new family they're building, in most cases. Very few will see their parents more, and if they work and have their own family, you can't really expect to see them every day.
Your own partner, well normally you will see them everyday and expect them to put you first.
In the particular case you talked about, depends. If your adult DC came in, took over and were rude, your DP is right. If your partner said they need to stay away now they're grown up, then most mums would want to take their DC's side.

I'd say it's who is right, not who they are, that determines whose side I take.

I would always put my children first. The fact that you are being so sketchy with details makes me think his actions were really bad.

Maybe an unrelated man mucking around is a line in the sand for your daughters, it would be for me.

In that case, I could never imagine choosing a partner over my children, more especially because you, yourself agreed "I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong"

Pick your poison but make sure you are prepared to swallow it.

Of course it can be justified in a variety of hypothetical situations, but the fact you cannot definitively say that it's justified in your case speaks volumes...🤷🏻

Yes of course it can.

It’s not a hypothetical situation though is it? It happened. Saying what it was will help.

In real terms , both your DC have the same opinion. I wouldn’t be inclined to ignore that.

Be honest OP I don’t think mucking around would result in you being told to
leave him ! Mucking around in what way?

Is it something sexual?

Well of course it can -- if your DP ruffles your adult DC's hair and your adult DC demands you go no contact because of this, then by all means take your DP's side. But you already knew this. So what's the point of the question?

It's very difficult OP not to assume that what your DP did was quite serious if your DD has gone NC with you because of your lack of support. And the fact you are unwilling to say what happened adds to this feeling.

As your DC are adults then I would ordinarily say that sometimes yes it would be acceptable to put your DP first, depending on the situation. But the way you present this makes it very difficult to assume it would be right to do so in this situation.

If both your children are threatening to cut you off over an incident that you characterize as “just mucking around”, I can only assume that either you are drastically minimizing the seriousness of the incident or that you and/or your partner had a fairly fraught or distant relationship with your children in the first place.

Without saying what the incident was it is impossible to say if it is justified or not, it is a pointless question. From your reluctance to say it gives me the impression it was of a serious nature.

No. It’s not sexual. He touched her on the shoulders and told her off in company. He was wrong to have done that.

How 'adult' are your 'adult' DC, do they live with you and your partner and is this out of character for them or have they tried to manipulate the situation before?

I just can't imagine a situation where I would threaten my mum with NC if she didn't 'pick me'. I struggle to think of something so bad that I would issue that kind of ultimatum and the only things I can think that might lead to that situation are well beyond 'messing about'!

WTF? Why did I get my comment hidden? Is it because I used a homophone of "pawn" and the robot mod didn't like it?

He's not her parent.

I'd be furious if I was her too.

Yes , if you won’t say what happened can you provide details of what their relationship was like prior to this incident, was this the final straw for your children or completely out of the blue and based entirely of this one apparently harmless event?

I can't imagine a scenario where I would choose a partner over my adult children. I've been married to their dad for 36 years and I wouldn't choose him over them!

I can't believe your children would react like this over one 'mucking about' incident. I would assume that they were not keen on your partner before this and only put up with him for your benefit.

Once again it depends on why he told her off and what he said to her. I mean he probably was out of line but what he actually said makes a big difference to.