Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

[DangerMouse33]

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

@DangerMouse33 I can understand you don't want to let go of your partner but unfortunately you do have to pick your children. And if you dont, you risk losing them/families forever. You really need to be 150% sure your partner is right before even considering picking him.

I can guarantee it’s not just about this situation, it’s been building over the years. There must be other situations I would assume

OP is really holding on tightly to minimising what he did.

He touched her shoulder = mucking about???

Yeah, OP is definitely not ready to be honest here.
It must be bad - whatever happened. Even the minimised version op has given is not really great.

@DangerMouse33 , It also is unlikely this is the first 'mucking about incident' or where he has messed up with one of my adult DC or acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries or he was in the wrong & your DC have wanted more from you. Until you are ready to see what is actually happening or been happening to your DC over the many years you have been with your partner, you may lose your DC. They are adults now, they don't have to bear it anymore.

Obviously, your child felt quite hurt. Whatever "mucking about" entailed.

So trying to strip away some of the minimising, he grabbed her by the shoulders. He also “told her off.” What did that look like? Berating her? Getting in her face? Was he drunk?

Frankly I wouldn’t tolerate being grabbed by the shoulders at all, let alone being grabbed and then “told off.” I’d never be in the same room as the person that did it to me again. It sounds like your children feel the same way.

OP, you are getting silly answers on here because you have phrased the question wrong (based on the further information you have given).

It's not about choosing a partner over your kids - of course nobody should do that.

But your dilemma is in fact whether you should allow your adult children to control you and your life choices.

And of course the answer is no.

If what you have said about the situation is true - and we have to assume it is - then your children don't have any reasonable justification for demanding that you end your relationship.

Touching somebody's shoulders isn't abuse. Telling an adult off is rarely acceptable, but as a one off incident it isn't abuse - it's a mistake many people make when angry or upset, and as long as they apologise and do their best not to repeat it it's perfectly forgiveable.

Does this incident, alone, give your adult children the right to demand you end your relationship? Of course not.

And therefore you would be doing your children, as well as yourself, a huge disservice if you gave in to their bullying, controlling behaviour.

You should fight for your relationship with your children, obviously. Do everything in your power to understand where this attempt to control you is coming from, and to help them see it for what it is, and to work on whatever underlying problems are leading them to act this way. (Because it's not normal. I would never, ever attempt to control my mother's life choices like this - and I would be beyond disturbed if my daughter attempted to do this to me).

But giving in to them would teach them a terrible lesson - and would also do yourself a huge injury. You are an adult - you can date who you want - your kids have no right to dictate what you do in your personal life.

My advice would be to meet with them both individually and have it out. Try to get to the bottom of what is causing them to behave in this inexplicable and cruel way. If this is new behaviour from them - if they have shown no signs of attempting to control and abuse you before - then try to understand what has happened to cause this drastic and horrible change.

It may be that on doing so you will uncover that there is more to the story - that your partner has in fact hurt them in ways you are not currently aware of. If that's the case, then obviously you should behave accordingly and do whatever it takes to get him out of all of your lives.

But that's a big if. If instead it turns out that the story is, on fact, simply what you have told us - then it's inexplicable, and I wish you luck in resolving this horrible dilemma and getting to the heart of what is causing your children to behave like this l, and hopefully resolving it. X

OP, I haven't read all the pages. But honestly, Mumsnet is ANONYMOUS. Give context, or you cannot expect much in the way of an informed and reasoned response. It's like saying, "What would you do if something happened?" There's no worthwhile answer to that.
With the little information you've given us, after 41 years of marriage and 2 adult children, if I had to choose between my husband and my kids; My kids. Every. Single. Time. I love him. But that's just how it is.

Are your children stupid, touchy melodramatic and mean?

If not - reconsider whether you’re seeing your partner’s actions clearly,

It’s a very big deal to go NC with a parent. And very unlikely to occur over a ‘nothing’ incident after years of good interactions and zero concerns.

NC is extreme and I don’t agree with adult DC holding this over you. It would have to be something pretty bad BUT

1. how long have you been with DP and how long has there been time around adult DC for him to think it was ok to do this?

2. what were things like before between everyone? Have the adult DC avoided visiting or seemed overly formal not as relaxed around DP?

3. have you put previous partners before them ever growing up which has made them v sensitive to you prioritising others and making them feel rejected? Ever? Even in small way?

4. are they angry at you for something else?

5. is there other stuff going on in your relationship they don’t like - are you told off/controlled even?

6. maybe they plain just don’t like DP as they can ‘see’ something your are refusing to?

I think they are sensitive, needing to feel a priority - why is that?

Does the DC that is threatening to go NC normally follow the other DC and take their lead, usual dynamic?

Is it possible the DC is controlling are there replicating a behaviour from Another person they’ve been exposed to?

So what is this really about?

In full disclosure, my DM was in a relationship with someone who gave her a lot of joy at one point after being lonely a long time. However my sibling refused to visit because of him and just stopped though DM was never told this directly but she did figure this out. Overtime I began to say I am visiting ‘you’ to DM. Neither my sibling or I could stand this DP. My DM would over time come to complain about him
and eventually I refused to listen. Believe me I was tolerant. I suspect I am much older than your DC.

So there is more to this as othe have said the hands on/telling off was just the catalyst for NC not the whole reason so what is really going on here? how well do you know your DP history etc?

Unacceptable.

How far down on the ‘shoulders’ did he go? He shouldn’t be touching her at all and he is pushing all kinds of boundaries here and you know it.

He would count as male acquaintance. I am a survivor of a similar awful situation, no details. They still like to go about pretending that nothing was ever wrong. I was nc with my mum for years.

Picture under review

Doesn't sound like "just mucking around" then, does it.

Doesn't look like you're actually listening to your DCs.

If your DC behaved in way that, as adults, any reasonable person would have told them off, and if your DP responded in a way that was non violent but expressed his dismay then I think it's fine to stick with a partner.
Your adult child didn't like his reaction and he has apologised.
Has he also decided to never judge or react to your DC? (Unfair really if your kids are smokers, unruley or rude often in his environment but something he needs ignore.)
The stand out is that your other child also wants you to leave him. Is there something abusive or controling that you should be seeing? I assume your kids are independent adults living elsewhere.

To answer your question, why would you?

I'm trying to imagine under what circumstances I would choose my dp over my DCs.
Eg if my DCs intentionally did something to hurt my dp and it wasn't a case of self defense or reactive abuse.

Like violence or criminal activity (eg stealing) out of absolute no where against my DP.

Looks to me like they are using a relatively low key incident to see if it can be used to split you up. What was she doing? That is perhaps relevant here eg wrecking the house etc does warrant an immediate response from either parent, step or not. Although I’m unclear how the shoulders came into it, if it was you would that have been necessary? I assume not. They are entitled to be respected, as are you both. You need to speak to them both individually and listen to their views and concerns to get a better understanding of whether their response is reasonable and if necessary be clear that NC is for very serious issues and remind them of where they’ve not been reasonable etc and it hasn’t resulted in you going NC with them.

If it gets to the NC stage, there's usually a massive back story. It's interesting you automatically assume selfishness on the child's side of the situation.

For the OP, in your situation I'd tell the kids you would like to understand much more about what they're thinking. Could you have supported conversations, with a therapist?
It would be helpful for you to try to understand why this is such a big issue for the children, what their perspective is.

I am also a daughter of a mother, who has no boundaries. She’s in her 80s. Neither she nor her partner show any cognitive decline atm and he told me off over Christmas twice in my home. And not because I was having a go at my mother or berating her in any way. He was also unempathetic about my anorexic dd. They’ve been together maybe 4 years. For context I am in my 50s. My mother, of course, didn’t say a word.

Last weekend, he said something to my anorexic dd about her eating. I wasn’t present, but I did send my mother a text about that one, saying how angered I am by what he said and that if he said anything in my earshot, I would say something to him and it would be swift. For context, dd is heavily influenced by what people say to her wrt her eating and the ED is pretty active atm. I had no response and for me, this is very worthy of an apology. I presume I am now the drama queen.

Drama queen is a bit of a joke really as it describes him to a tee. He has main character syndrome. We used to rub along with me ribbing him in a playful way about his attitude. Since Christmas, he shattered that. He pretends to be so mild mannered, but he’s a volcano underneath. I do wonder how much he’s manipulating my mother, because he’s seemingly so mild mannered. But that’s what happens when you have no boundaries.

So yes op, I also wonder if you have no boundaries. Had my mother’s partner put his hands on my shoulders and told me off in public, I’d be fuming. With the current trend of going NC, I can see why that would happen, even if it were a one off incident. However, I suspect it is not.

My mum chose my step dad over me (but admittedly something much worse happened). Now she has to live with the repercussions of that.

I don't think you can be losing your kids over this thing alone if everything was fine before.They clearly dislike him and want nothing to do with him, or you as long as you are with him. The question is, is their dislike based on something tangible about him, or would they dislike and resent any new partner you introduced to their lives? I don't think they are telling you the whole story, and perhaps your partner isn't either.

I agree with you completely.

If my adult children tried to dictate how I lived my life and control my choices in this way, threatening to cut off the relationship if I didn't do what they wanted, I'd be very tempted to say "Fine, cut yourself off, then." Even if I gave in to them I would be deeply resentful, and wouldn't want to be around them much.

I don't tell them how to live and they don't tell me how to live. Fortunately they are not manipulative people.

The way you've written this, it sounds like it was the straw that broke the camel's back situation for your DC. The fact that the other child actually asks you to leave your partner suggests quite a level of pre existing dysfunction.

I'm not sure who's in the right but I would probably side with my children.

I think he grabbed her by the shoulders and shouted is what actually happened.

In principle, I think yes it can be the right thing to choose partner over adult children where there is an expectation of adult reasonableness. In practice, it all comes down to the details of what has happened. It would be different with dependent children, although more a question of the weight of argument needed one way or the other.

In your situation, it sounds like you genuinely don’t understand your children’s reaction. I would try to really get to the bottom of it, but ultimately if you truly think they are being completely unreasonable, then why would you let an unreasonable adult dictate the terms of your relationship?

I would offer to meet them out of the house so they never have to see him though. As they are adults, your boundary that you are not ending your relationship because they don’t like partner, and their boundary that they don’t want contact with partner can coexist.

To answer your question, I think it would be possible to prioritise a partner over an adult child. That said, I can’t imagine doing it.

In your case, have your DC’s gone from having a good relationship with your DP, to NC over one incident? Or has he form for overstepping boundaries?