Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

[DangerMouse33]

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

"Touched her on the shoulders"? There's whole range of what that might have been.

My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries

Honestly, OP, I could be screechingly wrong about this, but your language is definitely erring towards minimising whatever actually happened.

If both of your adult children are telling you something, it's probably time to listen.

Who do you want to choose OP?

Because it sounds like keeping them all isn't an option.

In circumstances where it was a hard choice, I couldn't imagine ever, EVER not choosing my dc.

I think the fact you don't get to choose keeping them all is the relevant point, above and beyond the details of what your DP actually did.

He touched her on the shoulders and told her off in company.

So was she "mucking about" and he told her off for it in front of other people? It's impossible to give an opinion without knowing what the "mucking about" was.

Sounds like there is a massive backstory to this incident....

Kids are forever.

Kids grow up, get married, have children, perhaps move for work, perhaps don’t, but judging from many threads on here, only have a couple of hours every second Sunday to visit their parents because of their busy schedules.

I hate reading about adult children putting their parents in positions like this. It’s utterly, utterly selfish.

I hate reading about adult children putting their parents in positions like this. It’s utterly, utterly selfish.

I don't think many dc do it for no reason whatsoever.

Far more often it's parents putting their dc in difficult positions through their own selfishness.

I think you being so determined to not say what he did says he was in the wrong...

You won't say exactly what the situation is because you are afraid people will tell you dump the partner. You're minimizing it.

One kid's cut you off and the other has made it clear your partner is not welcome in their life and you won't be if you keep him around.

What has this motherfucker been doing in private that he's bold enough to put hands on your kids in public?

I'd have his stuff bagged up and out, but I'm ride or die for my kids. Not some asshole who manhandles them.

@niftykoala That's what I thought initially but she has now told us what he did He touched her on the shoulders and told her off in company.

I could be wrong, but I now think that the DD was the one "mucking about" in front of other people and he told her off for doing it. No way to know unless the OP elaborates.

What has this motherfucker been doing in private that he's bold enough to put hands on your kids in public?

Ignoring who's right and who's wrong for a minute

You can find a new boyfriend, you can't find new kids.

Choose the kids.

"Touched her shoulders"

Both shoulders, so both hands? Whilst stood behind her, or in front of her? Because the first will trigger my startle reflex and the second is, bluntly, a very confrontational stance with his body right in her personal space in front of her.

I actually think both of those stances could be perfectly ok, provided the relationship was such that it was natural. But the responses of the dc make it clear it isn't a relationship in which those stances are able to be absorbed without causing alarm, and that in itself is an issue.

No one can advise you with other situations on whether it would be OK to choose a partner over a DC.

I will try. If i had a loving partner and my DC said "I can't stand the way he holds his cutlery, leave him or you won't see me again", yeah I'd think they are crazy overreacting and refused the demand.

If i had a loving partner and he got angry at my adult DC, squared up to them, grabbed them by the shoulders and raged in their face, damb right im gone. You trying to skip the detail doesn't sound like this was a minimal insodence. It is absolutely terrifying as a woman to have a man get into your space, tell you off (using your phrase, but guess this means raised voices too), and with the physical touch on top. She didn't know where he would stop. If a partner didn't touch at all and threw something out of rage in the DC presence, I would not risk that fear being brought to them again. They should feel safe with you and any person you bring to their lives. Whether adult or not. You are not a safe space for them now

I’m not so sure about that - I think many DC do it simply because they do not like the new partner, and don’t want that person in their lives.

A surprising number of adults cannot handle their parent meeting a new partner. There are threads about it here all the time.

And I get it - I wouldn’t like either of my parents bringing a new partner into our family either (they are still together, so it’s not likely to happen).

But disliking someone because they are not a person you would chose to have in your life, or because the dynamics have changed, isn’t enough of a reason for your parent to be lonely for the rest of their life.

It reads to me like he has placed his hands on the OP’s daughter’s shoulders (which to me, would be a sign of affection) and jokingly told her off about something. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, I don’t see what he has done that is so bad.

I wonder if the OP will elaborate any further.

You won't say exactly what the situation is because you are afraid people will tell you dump the partner. You're minimizing it

It's hard not to reach this conclusion. If you wanted straightforward, meaningful answers, you would have explained exactly what happened, and what the backdrop to it all really is.

You've removed all of the salient facts, so what does that leave?

This nails it. Ultimately, even if they are being unreasonable, would you rather lose your kids (potentially forever) or your partner of several years?

A surprising number of adults cannot handle their parent meeting a new partner. There are threads about it here all the time.

I think there are a lot more threads where parents bring a partner into their dc's lives and the dc get no say in it whatsoever.They literally have to "live with it."

As for adult dc, I agree that is a slightly different situation BUT usually the problem stems not from the dc not wanting the partner in their parent's life, but not wanting them in THEIR own life. I don't think anyone has the right, whatever the respective ages, to force a person into someone else's life, and the desire for distance needs to be respected. The DD is in this instance going further than that., but the issue has arisen because of the way the DP of her mum has impacted her own life, not her mum's.

Sounds like they don't like him at all. They were merely looking for an excuse. They are obviously upset with you for not choosing them first. I had the situation where my daughter pulled a stunt like this with her actual father. My husband and I are a team. My daughter has admitting to lying and doing it on purpose but is still wanting no contact as I didn't choose her lie over my husband. So that proves Im a shit mum. Hugs

Of course there are times you'd choose your partner over your children and it would be relatively uncontroversial. Especially with adult children, it depends on circumstances and who has the greater need. For example, if you're on a date with your partner and your child calls you just to chat, you'd likely say you're busy and ask to talk later. If you're on a day out with your child and you get a call that your partner's been hospitalised with a serious injury, you'd cut the excursion short and go to the hospital. You get the idea.

In THIS case, though - especially given that your children are adults and presumably don't live with you - the position they have taken is extreme. If they dislike your partner or don't want to be around him or don't trust them, they could reasonably say that they will not see HIM - they won't go to your shared house, only agree to see you at their house or out, won't invite him or agree for you to bring him to family events, etc. Instead, they're not just cutting HIM out but severely punishing you for staying in a relationship with him.

You say I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me; what exactly did DC tell you they wanted from you? It sounds like your DCs feel like you are betraying them on some fundamental level by remaining with your partner, not "just" that they don't want to be around him or think you have bad taste in men. You MUST have a gut idea about what's going on here - do your DCs have a history of ganging up and trying to control your life to an unreasonable degree, and if so, why wait so long for this ultimatum? Or is it more likely that what DP has done is much more serious than you are admitting to yourself, and/or that the reaction is not just to this one incident but to something bigger and more substantial?

I don't know who's "right" or "wrong" here but it's a terrible situation. Unless you can see that your partner has done something unforgivable, it sounds like either choice is going to be heartbreaking for you and your relationship with whoever you DO choose may not ever be the same again.

@DangerMouse33 , you KNOW this is not just about what happened that day.

It never is.

Your "D"P may fuck off one day. You may have more partners. But your children cannot be replaced. You will miss them for the rest of your life if they disappear from your life.

Your choice. Although it appears you have already made a choice. More fool you.

The OP herself says that the partner was clearly in the wrong, so I really don’t see how things read to you in a way that makes him
doing something affectionate.

is this just the latest in a long line of “overstepping boundaries”

Most people go NC, not over one huge issue but a series of small issues.
It might seem inconsequential the actual incident that broke everything but it’s about what happened over the years before.

Sounds like they don't like him at all. They were merely looking for an excuse

From what the OP has said - which is all the information we have - how have you reached that conclusion?

The OP has said her P was in the wrong.

The answer is "possibly". But as you have gone out of your way not to tell what he did and there is more than likely a history of this sort of stuff, it is impossible to comment.

You're about to lose your children. Think on it.