Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

There is nothing to save here. He has told you he loves another woman, but is keeping you as his safety net.

Even seeing your devastation, he continued the affair. It will still be continuing now. He didn’t choose to stop, his hand was forced, but it will pick up again if it hasn’t already.

He has let you deal with this alone, and been able to look you in the face and lie to you. I really am sorry OP but there is no good outcome here. He knows you won’t leave, why would he stop? Are you going to wait until he decides to leave you for her?

See a solicitor and start telling people in real life. Stop covering for him, he is not your friend. Please, please, put yourself first and kick him out. Let this magical affair become reality. Let him lose his family and have everyone know what he did, see how happy he is then. You deserve so much better x

Oh OP..... this is a horrible situation....but he really won't change!!! "She wouldn't take no for an answer" !! Dear god, how juvenile can he get? He doesn't want to finish with her OP. He doesn't want to be seen as the lying scumbag that he is, so of course he wants it kept quiet. He actually had the audacity to tell you he's never had such a connection with someone..... and you are willing to keep on allowing him to treat you like this?? You will never ever know peace of mind again if you stay with this waste of oxygen. He's a vile, manipulative, lying, cheating piece of dog sh*t and you have to pull on your big girl pants and kick the bastard out. A year from now you will be thanking your lucky stars you got rid of him !!!!

Only you know what your marriage and your husband are worth to you, no one else is living your life and no one else can make these decisions for you.

I think if you decide to stay in this marriage then DH needs a new job, possibly even moving away from the area. It's a big wrench but then, so is divorce.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

Stop being a doormat.

A. He does not love you.
B. He is making a laughingstock out of you.

OP. Your husband has fed you a lie. You are better off without this POS in your life. I would let friends and family know what he is like and what he has done. Why should you have to carry the load.

Words are easy. He has shown you who he is. believe it. Kindly your feelings mean nothing to him and his mental health is not your responsibility. Stp making excuses.

Completely agree with @ThatCyanCat here - this, what he has said to you about his feelings for her - is really the critical point here.

THIS!
IN SPADES!

Who told you that he had the opportunity to be with her?

Him?

And you should be grateful that the cheat chose you?

I get why you are scared, and if you love him you want to be told it will be ok.

From the info you have given it sounds pretty bad, especially continuing after he told you it was over.

I don’t believe you are alone in this scenario and many people chose to stay, people just don’t want other people to know so nobody talks about it.

I don’t think you can trust him but I also think no one can tell you what to do, you will do what you want to and it might be a long process.

Your heart must be broken and you will want to cling on to hope, you aren’t a doormat, you are just a person who believes in love and marriage.

He has treated you very badly and I wonder how he has tried to reassure you?

For me, his excuse of her not allowing it to end is rubbish but I don’t think you can think clearly when it’s you and you love someone and your heart has been broken.

Be kind to yourself, focus on your kids, spend some time and money on yourself with your friends. Do some stuff without him, spoil yourself, you are entitled to after what he’s done. Some little pockets of time away from him, even pretending to be ok might give you some clarity and help you to make a decision.

You are more than just your marriage, just remind yourself of that and it might give you some strength to make decisions.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you negative things about you, you haven’t done anything wrong, you have been the victim of a betrayal and it will take time. You aren’t a doormat, you were a wife who trusted her husband, people are always quick to judge when it’s not them it’s happening to.

its your life, so listen to yourself and your heart and do what you need to do to get through it, even if you chop and change your mind, you are allowed to.

The first time - but in a prolonged and profound way. How many times is it acceptable for him have to fall deeply in love with another woman and cheat with her for years and still be in love with her? None is the answer. He's already traumatised you so much you think may not overcome it so the solution isn't to stay and keep feeding that trauma. It's to end it and recover from it, which won't be easy, but it's much more viable when you've got away from the cause of it i.e. him. The future will be brighter when it's in your own hands. Fear is no reason to stay. It won't make you feel any stronger or braver letting him do this to you over and over, which he will. He's told you he still loves her. Leave him to it and look after yourself.

Sorry…but more fool you. LTB, get all your ducks in a row and a SHL and also look at the ‘script’.
There will be plenty of support on knowledge on here for you.
and you’re not doing your children any favours staying with a husband who has betrayed you many times and lied to you for years and probably more before them and he will probably do it again.

He wants her, he told you he wants her.

But he also wants the comfort and familiarity of your home and life together.

He lies to you and it works in his favour that you stay quiet and suffer this in silence so he doesnt lose face.

Stop facilitating this nonsense. He doesnt love or respect you and he had no motivation for change

Love is what you do not what you say. He made the decision not only to have an affair, but to continue it after telling you he was going to stop. You say yourself he did not make the decision to stop, it was forced on him. You are not responsible for how others including his children view him when they are aware of what he has done. You are not responsible for how his unkind and deceitful decisions impact on his mental health. He is solely responsible for the choices he has made and the impact they have on other people’s views of him.
Value yourself. Judge him by his actions not his words. Make choices that are best for you. You need to seek support from someone in real life. Stop trying to protect him - it isn’t your job. Instead think about yourself and what is best for your future. You have no responsibility to continue in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly broken your trust.

He didnt want to change when he was getting away with it

You really deserve so much better, OP.

I'd ask him to leave and file for divorce.

I'm so sorry.

You can’t work at a marriage if the other person has checked out.

Sadly, this is true. If you choose to stay with him, there is every chance he'll leave you, for her

They should judge him. He did a horrible thing and then lied to continue betraying you. He needs to be accountable. That doesnt mean people cant be forgiven, the same way your father was.

Not sure if your DC are boys or girls but what if your DDs partner did this? Or DS did this to his partner in future?

It isnt just that he cheated. He kept cheating.

He doesn't want to stay with you because he loves you, he wants to stay becauae its comfortable. And this might be the first time. But it wasnt the last, he lied and went back until he couldnt get away with it.

My parents did the same. My father started having affairs before my older brother started primary school, and finally left for another woman 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. They'd been married nearly 23 years, my father was 41 and my mother was 46. It was obvious he'd waited until he wouldn't have to pay any support to my mother.

As my mother had been a SAHM the whole time, she lost everything after he left. The only asset they had was the house, and because my mother was stupid enough to think my father would be forced to pay the remaining 20 years on a mortgage for a house he wouldn't be living in (?) it took nearly 3 years for the divorce to go through the courts. Of course the house ended up being sold, and once the bank got back all they were owed, my mother ended up with a quarter of the equity...which wasn't much, they'd only owned the house for 5 years. She had no pension, no savings, nothing. She now lives in a tiny HA flat on a disability pension.

All because she spent over two decades believing that my father still loved her, when his actions proved that he didn't.

'Actions speak louder than words' - it's a cliche because it's true.

Marriages can and do recover from one affair. More deceit? No.

So sorry you're experiencing this trauma OP, I really feel for you.

Your husband could be experiencing limerence. In limerence the "love" you experience isn't like normal love, it's a very powerful, heady primarily sexual binding tie. Extremely passionate. You definitely cannot get over it whilst retaining any exposure to the object of affection. You cannot think properly, you become emotional aloof even cruel to your life/marriage partner... it's a sort of addiction. The new relationship isn't based on real life and the steady, loyal, rounded love based on really knowing the person with their flaws and going through ups and downs. It's a dopamine sea of high octane level love. It has high and low swings (you cannot be together, it's a secret, you leave them behind to return home) which facilitate the 'getting back to together' love highs. In this respect when your husband says he 'just couldn't resist', he might be struggling to even understand it himself, let alone explain it. That's why it sounds ridiculous and pathetic. But I have read stories of people caught in a similar state and they say between 2 and 3 years later they cannot work out why they left their partners and threw away their families. They felt like it was a weird fixation and some even tried to get back with their exes and some resigned themselves to making the new relationship work rather than mess up again or just to save face. Interestingly the same feelings were sometimes experienced by the affair partner.

The only thing I can say is there might be a chance if he completely separates himself, cuts off the other woman completely changes organisation. Gets a new phone. He hasn't given himself the chance to really analyse what he wants or how he really feels when he's still having contact with her. He cannot truly analyse the relationship logically atp.

He must leave his job and have zero contact for at least a few months.

After that you can maybe discuss again what he really feels.

This isn't about what's fair, in reality you only have the ability to control your own behaviour and whether you stay with him or go.

But if you want to see if there's hope, the version of your husband you have right now isn't one you can reason with yet.

Protect yourself with some boundaries in the meantime. No sex, lots of self care, go counselling yourself. Exercise. Go out.

But if he refuses to stop working with that org and change his contact then, you cannot work with that, you should leave.

Aww yes bless him of course he needs therapy!

WHAT ABOUT YOU??

He has actually told you that he has never felt a connection like it with anyone else.

Does he expect you to just forget about that comment? It’s fucking cruel, and it
must be torture for you.

He’s one nasty entitled bastard, and he has and still is treating you appallingly.

@ThatDeepOcean hes told you he loves someone else, that he’s never had a connection like this. No op. You deserve more than convenience or second best.

As someone who had an affair, please leave him. I suspect he's done the numbers, worked out the financial cost and the hit to his lifestyle and status and decided he'd rather stay, even though he loves HER.