Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

Get full STI testing. Get your own individual counseling. I wouldn't advise joint as he's a master liar. I personally wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth. Are you seeing any changes in him from his counseling?

His work knows so why should you keep his affair secret any longer?

Let your closest friends and family know so you can get some support. You can't pretend your marriage is fine when he's been having an affair for two years. It's got to be devastating sitting with him knowing he wants to be elsewhere.

She wouldn’t take no for an answer..so he just carried on shagging her. What a vile human he is.
Mental health! What a crock of shit. He’s feeling bad because he’s lied repeatedly and been found out.
Interesting your dad had an affair and mum tolerated it. Now you are. Your dc’s will be aware something is wrong and likely will affect their future relationships.
Anyone you tell will be on your side. He’s had an affair. He told me he was ending it may 25 so we could try work on marriage. He carried on sleeping with her unbeknownst to me so we are now divorcing. The time for trying to repair marriage has passed. You are being a fool if you stay with him. I suspect he’ll leave in a couple of years when dc head off to uni and you are no longer useful. How hurtful to tell you she’s love of his life.

I’m so sorry but no there is no coming back from this since he has made the ultimate betrayal and told you he has never connected with anyone like he has with her, he’s willing to tell you that then he has no respect for your feelings and now it’s time for you to have none for his. Get what you can sorted out without telling him anything to make sure you get the most you can from him and then kick him out. In a few months you will realise it’s the best thing you ever did.

You deserve so much better

Good grief. He cheated on you OP, for a year. He wasn't thinking of his love for you when he was shagging her.

You found out and he said it was over. He lied to you and the desire to be with her was greater than the risk of losing his whole family.

"She wouldn't let me end it" is bullshit and you know it.

If his work hadn't found out, he'd still be having his affair. Maybe he still is? Why would moving departments stop them?

He's admitted to you that his connection to her is greater than the one he has with you. That's downright cruel.

You say you love him, but you love the man he first was. Don't let the love you had for him in the beginning cloud you to the man he is today. It's definitely scary, moving on if this relationship is all you've known. I know, as I've been there. Walking away from my abusive DH was the most terrifying thing I did, but the peace and freedom afterwards was so worth it. I couldn't stay knowing I was second best.

Oh and make sure you tell everyone who has ears what a low life cheating pig he is

Honestly , you will never get over it. If you stay you will never know another moments piece of mind . dont do it to yourself.
You deserve better than being somebodys fall back.

Op, he doesn’t love you .

Start by telling family and friends you can trust. You will have support and will not be carrying this horrible thing alone. He is the one to be ashamed, not you.

This sounds like she's the one who dumped him, now he's hurt and really grateful that at least the wife is still there to pick up his pieces. And this too shall pass. He will recover thanks to the OP's support and once his self esteem is back in a strong place just watch out for the next affair.

He's demostrated he cannot be trusted. I would not stay with this man.

He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage

I will probably be accused of missing the point and perhaps I am... but to me, this is really at the crux of why I think this can't go on.

It's not a popular view on MN but I do think it's possible to make a mistake, have an affair, realise you fucked up, be remorseful and get past it and never do it again. Not always, maybe even not often, but it can happen.

But in this case, he has actually openly told you he loves her and gets some sort of connection he doesn't feel with you (I'm sure it's incredibly pure and spiritual, of course) but still wants all the comfort and status of life with you. This is contempt. He is contemptuous of you, but wants you for a life accessory. A kind of human sofa. He thinks he can tell you all this and you will still centre him and be his backdrop.

I think that the kind of affairs that it's possible to get past are the ones that leave the cheater with a higher opinion of their spouse ("how could I have done that?"). Ones where they are pretty open that they want the other person and would just like to keep you hanging around for usefulness while they play grand passion elsewhere... that's an affair that's left him with a lower opinion of you. He's straight up telling you that he wants you around as lifestyle support while you're useful. When you're no longer useful - kids grown or whatever - I expect he'll ditch you and somehow still make himself out to be the tragic hero.

I can't see you getting past this one. He doesn't care about you as a person. He doesn't care about you at all.

You wont overcome the trauma. You will be worried and paranoid from this day day forward. In the deep of the night lying awake you will churn it over in your mind forever. If he is late you will wonder where he is. If he looks at his phone you will wonder if its her. You will never trust another word that comes out of his mouth. You will spend a lifetime anxious and on high alert.

Dont do it to yourself.
He didnt finsh it because he chose you.
He finished it because his hand was forced by work.
Trust me, it wont stay finished.....

I think not telling anyone is actually a means to protect yourself, rather just him.

Once your friends and family know and you see how differently they view him, you won't be able to hide from the damage he has wrought on his family and in particular on you.

You've done everything you could to keep your relationship together and he has thrown it back at you.

No, if his mental health isn't good - he should go get help and I don't mean in the arms of another woman. Or is his mental health bad because he got caught - twice?

He's lied for a long time to you. I couldn't do this if I were in your shoes, stay with someone who has betrayed me so badly. Without trust and respect there is no marriage.

I know you don't want to hear this OP and of course you do what you need to do but I also think that once you forgive them a couple of times as you have done you are giving him the green light to continue.

I think @Dery has the right approach to this.

at the moment it seems to be you are torn between what you feel and what you think you SHOULD feel.

I don’t think people can work through that without professional help.

you are financially comfortable. Go get some counselling. Not about your marriage, about you. Your brief shouldn’t be “how do I live with this” but “help me work out how I truly feel about this “. It will be difficult but you will be in the hands of an objective professional. It may take some time. It may only take a couple of sessions (mine did). Either way it is extraordinary how a qualified professional can gently lead you to what you need to know.

other than that additional advice, I wholeheartedly agree with @Dery . Good luck.

Hes cheated twice and for a long time

Once he DOES leave you you will HAVE to cope

Get a solicitor and a therapist

I think you’ll feel better once you start telling people. Tell a friend you trust and your mum. Be clear you wanted to try and work on things hence not sharing in 2025 but he’s continued to have an affair and it’s end of your marriage. They may already suspect or have heard on grapevine.

Oh no, has Cheaty McCheatface hurt his own feelz by having an affair, telling his wife it was over, continuing to shag the other woman for another year behind her back and only stopping when his boss found out? The poor wee diddums. No wonder his mental health is all over the place.

OP, I know it's hard, but save yourself more heartache down the line and get rid of him now. You deserve so much better.

OP this man doesn't respect you. He's a selfish piece of shit.

Where's your self esteem, what behaviour are you modelling to your children? Would you want them to be married to someone who lies and cheats? Show them it's possible to walk away from a situation where someone is using you. If they end up hating their father, that's his fault, not yours.

I’d be more worried that when he says he loves you he means he loves his easy home life. He gets his fun and excitement with his AP and then your sat waiting for him. Running the house, the family, cooking, cleaning and laundry no doubt too.

The first time I can understand forgiveness but to lie about ending it. He didn’t end it out of guilt, love, or respect for you. He didn’t end it at all. His boss did. I wouldn’t trust that he wouldn’t go back to an affair with her or even when the kids are older leaving you for her.

You deserve to live your life in peace without worrying whether he is with her or plotting to be with her. I’m not sure you would get that by staying with him.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

You said he's in counselling. Are you ? are you going together and separately ?

If you're not then I recommend you do both. The fact that he only stopped doing this when there were consequences at work and that finding another job isn't an option tells me that he still hasn't realised what he's done here. Obviously something led to this and it isn't because you were too trusting. You should be able to trust your partner to leave the house and not shag someone else.

I now you don't want to leave him and you don't want to upset your kids - both of them are at points in their education where an upheaval like divorce, moving house etc would be very devastating. If they do find out about the affair or there is an impending divorce or separation they both need the support of counselling.

I think you need someone to talk to like your mom, if your relationship will permit it. You shouldn't be suffering alone. You don't deserve this and while it's really clear you respect your marriage and the vows you took and you want to do what is best for your kids - your husband isn't on the same page and until you both are - there is no saving this and it's only delaying the inevitable and causing you more trauma.

No one can advise you on this.
you both need couple therapy urgently.
I’ve seen couples recover from affairs but you’ll need a lot of support to stay. And a lot of support to end it.
Dont delay. Or you could end up having a complete breakdown. Sending love.

I am a big believer of “unless you’re the one walking in the shoes” meaning that it’s so easy to say what you would do when it’s not you

but I truthfully do not think I could in any way accept this… for the main reason that I would simply not be able to ever trust him again and would refuse to spend every day wondering if he was with her still. What sort of life is that?

He’s showed you that he cannot be trusted!

I could not move on from this and I suggest you think if it was your daughter, how you would feel. Ask him the same!!

Sending a hug and strength!

Do you have a daughter op? What would you want her to do? You are setting her and example and if not a daughter you are showing your sons this type of thing is acceptable. Your children are all most grown . What are you trying to keep? I mean this as kindly as possible but have some respect for yourself because your husband has shown you none.

@ThatDeepOcean I promise you - no-one of any worth will judge YOU for him having an affair. His dishonesty is extensive and his words to you utterly hurtful - what about the connection he was supposed to have with you, as his wife?! Please, please, rid yourself of 15 stone of useless lard and get rid of him.