Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

"He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended."

So your H pretended to have ended a long-running affair, and he faked reconciliation, all the while seeing how devastated you were.

And now he's again saying he's ended the affair. And you're trying to believe him.

OP, I've been reading on infidelity boards for decades because my dad was a serial cheat who did untold damage to everyone, including us kids*. I wanted to understand what could lead to such destructive, cruel behaviour. I can tell you, there is ZERO chance that your H has ended the affair. ZERO. He's told you he loves her; he still sees her; and he has no intention of getting another job. All of this tells me that he's taken the affair underground. He's playing the penitent man to fool you. He's still lying his damned head off.

OP, this man is a cheater. That means he has the mindset of a cheater. Pretty much all cheaters have the same core profile: a craving for validation; a sense of entitlement; the ability to twist the truth in their own head so that they give themself permission to cheat; and the ability to lie to people straight in their face and to keep lying.

These things are very very deeply baked into the foundation of who these people are. They are weak, (self)deceptive, self-indulgent people who lie to get what they feel they 'deserve to have'. For them to change, they have to do ENORMOUS work on their very psychological foundation. A few counsellor sessions won't hack it.

You - and your children - are actually in quite some danger: there is a very substantial chance that he'll leave you, perhaps when the kids are old enough and the financial whack will be less for him.

You need therapy to process this and to help you think straight. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They deserve to have a mother who is not riven with anxiety constantly, who becomes preoccupied and tense every time her H is late. They deserve a mother who is full of energy and joy and life and has ample emotional and mental time for them because she's happy.

I second the PP who suggested SurvivingInfidelity - they are pro-reconciliation but also know very well how narrow, painful, and excruciatingly difficult the path to true reconciliation is:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/2/just-found-out/

I also recommend ChumpLady, who is not in favour of reconciliation because of how difficult it is and how rarely cheaters truly reform:

https://chumplady.com/arguments-against-reconciliation/

*Btw my mother initially thought we didn't know: we DID. Her lying to us, her self-deception, her endless hope that this time he really would change, and her excruciating fear - this was a major part of the trauma that was inflicted on us kids, who were quietly listening and watching and absorbing.

If you stay…

this is how it might look :

1st month, he seems contrite, sheepish even. Maybe he’s a little more attentive than usual. He seems to be going to his councilling. He talks about how it’s really helping him. But everything still seems to be very “me, me, me”. He hasn’t left his job (not to say they haven’t fired him) and you are anxious that he might still be seeing her.

1-3 months - there aren’t signs of the woman exactly, but maybe you feel she’s still around, you try to take him at his word that it’s over…but, it niggles until it drives you mad. Yet he is the one behaving irritable, as if you have done something wrong. You realise that he doesn’t like that you haven’t just swept things under the rug. He’s pissed that you’ve asked for time and space to trust him again. And he starts to make little comments or roll his eyes if you ask for any kind of reassurance. Like you’re an inconvenience. He’s stopped therapy because he “didn’t need it”.

3-6 months. He’s having problems at work. A rumour reaches your ears that you don’t like. Perhaps it’s about some workplace deviance, in appropriate behaviour with a colleague …or, about him being seen with another woman. (Is it her? You wonder). And now he is pissy all.the.time, with you and the kids. He’s making you feel like you are somehow the one in the wrong. He starts to put pressure on you to sleep with him again. He makes backhanded comments about your appearance or things you’ve “done wrong”. He tells you his therapist told him you were the one with the problem.

6 months - he’s strangely bright and cheerful one minute. Completely different the next. You can’t keep track of his moods. But he’s become secretive with his phone. He places it face down. He stays out longer. He’s putting on cologne to go on work nights out. And you ask him if something is going on. He shrugs you off, tells you you are being paranoid. Offers no reassurance. Makes you feel you are going crazy.

One year later - one morning he is just - gone. Your accounts are empty, because they were joint and he “needed it”. He’s refusing to pay child maintenance. He’s telling all your friends and family that you were a wicked cow and that’s why he had to leave. They semi believe it because, you never told them about any of his bs. They think he’s a good guy. Then…Your child visits him one day and mentions to you there were a pair of women’s shoes by his door.

Then it all comes out, he’s been seeing her all this time. But somehow, you, even though all you ever tried to do was hold it together…are the villain.

He is a liar, he is a cheat and has told you he loves her more than you! He’s stringing you along.

Find your anger OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of, what about your mental health never mind his!! Can you speak to a Friend/Family member, you need some real life emotional support.

What do you mean it's the first time he's done it? He's been doing it for 2 years! Over 730 days OP, this is not a drunk one night stand.

Blames her for not allowing them to stop.
Blames his mental health.
Only stopped because his work forced it to - he has taken no responsibility for 2 years of lies and unfaithfulness.

There's no merit in taking your marriage vows seriously in these circumstances OP, because he has sabotaged it beyond repair and trying to salvage it will be to your detriment. He is in love with someone else but making do with you for ease. He has knowingly hurt and lied to you for his own gain. And what gain is that? Just sex. He's not made his fortune, won a promotion, obtained a qualification, overcome a health condition...literally just sex and attention that's exciting because it's novel and taboo and an escapist ego boost. Screwed you and your children over and then he's not even got the guts to own this supposedly unresistable relationship of wonderous connection and leave you for her.

There are some really insightful replies on this thread OP. Quite a few from pp who have been through similar experiences
.
What stands out for me is the pp who have pointed out the devastating effect of you not telling anybody irl about his cheating and his love for his mistress.

Keeping his secret is isolating you from the support of your friends and family. It really puts you at his mercy because you are getting his spin on things, his manipulation of the reality of the situation he has placed you in without the balance of the emotional support which would help you see the reality of the situation and of the disgusting way he has trampled all over your marriage and your feelings.

You really , really need to talk to someone you trust- be it friend, family member, professional - so that you can see things for what they are without him manipulating your feelings

He can’t face up to what he’s done OP. He’s relying on the fact that you still love him and were prepared to stay when you found out about the affair. He told you he’s never experienced a connection like it. That fact alone would be enough for me to end it. You’re second best in his mind and always will be. The fact that it was work circumstances that ended it instead of him reinforces that.

The only reason he’s telling you he wants to make it work with you is that he can’t have what he really wants. He says if he had chosen to leave she would have welcomed him with open arms, so given that she meant so much more to him than his own wife, why didn’t he take her up on it. It’s bullshit. Don’t do this to yourself, and don’t agree to keep it secret. Tell your family, his family and friends, and anyone who’ll listen. He’s a manipulative shitbag whose vile behaviour deserves to be out, and you deserve much better.

You stayed once, shame on him. Stay twice, shame on you. He does not love or respect you. Don’t be a fool

Dear OP, how tough this must be!
One thing people attempting to rebuild after an affair is that often emotional ties remain,
You can't be blamed for wanting not to have to split homes and share custody
60 -70% of women stay because of the kids, family ties etc.
Go check out surviving infidelity.
Excellent website with good ideas on how to deal with the situation.
So many of us have been in your shoes sadly
No guarantee that a new partner won't do the same
Best wishes!ì

I'd be shouting it from the rooftops! Get everyone told. Sorry to have to say this, but he doesn't love you, he just doesn't want to ruin his wider social circle.

Why did he tell you about the continued affair? Is it possible he told you in case you find out so he has covered his tracks in advance? Or did the other woman finally end it when he wouldn't leave you so again: covering his tracks in case she tells you.

You only have his version of events. Apparently, she'd welcome him with open arms... evidence? Listen to the important parts, not the "his version" parts. He lied to you. Extensively and repeatedly. This CF told you twice about an affair, when he didn't have to, so chose to hurt you over dealing with the guilt alone. He said he "tried" to end it. You can't try and fail to end an affair because you alone entirely control if it ends. It doesn't need the other woman's agreement. So, in other words: he just told you he "didn't" end it. He said he chose your "marriage", aka the wider family/friend circle... But only because their employer made it harder for them to keep seeing each other...? Makes no sense.

A one-off mistake is one thing but this pathetic excuse for a human being lied to you and probably still is lying. Changing roles at work doesn't stop an affair.

Leave him and tell everyone why. He doesn't get to offload his guilt and shame on to you and wash his hands of it. He should feel the judgement of your wider circle.

Once he has faced real consequences, you can then choose to forgive him and get back together, if you want to. Trial separation. Closure for you.

No one will judge you, and if they do: who cares. All the other spouses in your circle are having affairs anyway.

This was me! And all I can say is end it. He will never be faithful, and he will lie to you every day for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Is this what you want?? I repeat, end it!

Sorry this has happened to you. I think people can work through betrayal in some instances, but an affair carried on after being discovered and only over due to work finding out? Impossible. Telling you he still loves her is narcassistic - when you find out for the 3rd time he will continue his poor helpless man routine he just fell in love and with a woman who won't accept no for an answer 🙄
It is interesting you told no one - why are you protecting him when he tramples over your feelings and your family?

I would not stay with this man under any circumstances

He did this to you repeatedly and knowingly and whilst lying to you and even now I wouldn't believe the affair was over. How could you ever believe anything he says again? How could you bear to let him touch you? How could you carry on knowing who he was and how very little he thought of you?

Even if you don't care for yourself then care for your children: they should know that this sort of cruelty and contempt towards a spouse is unacceptable and that their mother has worth and value and isn't someone to be treated like this.

Your husband is the one who threw the years away when he first decided to have an affair. He's actively continued destroying your marriage. He isn't the man you thought and he doesn't deserve your love or respect or affection or kindness.

She wouldn’t take no for an answer? What a piece of work! OP I’m sorry you’re going through this - do what’s right for you. He has lied to you and you deserve better. Personally I don’t think you should give him the benefit of your presence any longer, but make sure your decision is based on what’s best for you. The children would be ok if you divorced him I think - it’s far worse for them being in an unhappy home with unhappy parents.

I know how you're feeling OP. Because from your perspective, as a long-married, loving wife, all these things can be true: he can be unfaithful - he can have MH problems - and he can really love you and the children and not want to break up the family.

I know because I've been there with two previous husbands (though never had all those things at once - that's a lot of body blows hon 💐). And for me it's only been when it's all blown up and the dust has settled that you see things from a totally different perspective, and wonder how you could have been so blinded by misplaced loyalty, compassion and sense of duty.

That's not to say you should hate him, though anger certainly gives you the energy to restart your life without him. (He might well take the decision out of your hands anyway, and suggest a trial separation or something.) But at some point you have to accept that you must start detaching from someone you'd loved, which I'd say is harder than hating them.

Once you've broken free though - it make take a year or two (again in my experience - your process might be quicker!), but you'll be more content than you ever thought possible.

I think he probably wants the best of both worlds, a family, home, the acceptance of him as a good man and also another woman. I'm not sure you can believe anything he says really. Over time that would be extremely stressful and detrimental to your well being.

He's telling you he loves you for the lifestyle and social status his marriage to you provides. If he loved you, he wouldn't do this to you. There is no way this is now over, and now he's working on a different team, they'll get away with it as far as work is concerned. You deserve so much better

If there is no trust there is no marriage. I tried just like you.. it ate away at me until l had a breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital..you must tell family and friends.. let them support you.. honestly it just wont work
You will get through it and in the end come out stronger. Sending love and hugs.

He broke your trust with the affair. He broke your trust further by it going on longer than he initially told you? And they only broke it off because their work found out?

It doesn't sound like he's taken you into account in any of this. He doesn't sound very trustworthy at the moment.

Do your friends and aquaintences know about the affair? Is he worried about his social standing if it were to come to light?

I would give you both some space. Take a break from each other. It's so easy for him to see your marriage as a comfortable cosy routine and to avoid any change he's saying he wants to be with you. Does he want you or the whole life you had before he boffed his colleague?

Do you have children?

If it was a brief meaningless fling that he regrets, you might have stood a better chance. But he saw the pain this caused you back last year, but did not care enough to stop. He has only stopped for now as the employer found out. He is only telling you it hadn't stopped before as now more people know, the gossip could spread.

He loves her and never felt a connection like that before, that means with you, why do you think he would be walking away permanently from that? I'd worry it would start back up when the heat dies down and when 1 of them gets another role. That he might stay until the kids have ages so he can then walk away with a better settlement, no child maintenance to pay, better share of the house with no children to take into consideration by the solicitors.

You would be better off getting in there 1st financially. But with both DC in the difficult GCSE, then A level years, it's a tough 1 to know when the right time is. But if you are going to stay, don't be blind kidding yourself that this could be happy ever after. And it isn't you ruining things. It was him with his cruel drawn out affair. If he couldn't stop himself, then he could have at least done the decent thing and walked away before the kids entered these difficult years and without treating you like a mug cooking and cleaning for him while he gets his thrills elsewhere

I am sorry, but you need to mourn your relationship. Read up on the stages of grief, you are in denial. This relationship is dead and he is just using you. Please practise self care immediately, and look after your body, soul and spirit and keep being an amazing mother to your DC. Please ensure that your finances are in order in case you have to make a move quickly. Mourn, it is over. You will be okay.

They always throw the “mental health card” when they’re guilty. Always.

No one can tell you what to do OP. No one can tell you how your marriage will pan out.

But what we can tell you is that you deserve better, so much better, and you’ll never really trust him again, even if you pretend everything’s okay.

💐

Where was his remorse before he got caught? He is sorry he has been caught - he was enjoying having the affair and getting the benefits of having you as his wife - so he didn't need to look like the piece of shit he is.

he wants to stay married so he doesn't look like a bad guy to his kids and doesn't have to move out.

Im sorry OP but all you will do if you stay is teach your kids to put up with this - you are literally justifying it because your mum put up with it! can you not see the generational abuse and trauma your mother handed down in putting up with it and you taking that as normal?

I really suggest you have personal therapy - not with him - and ask why your self esteem is so low that you want to forgive him.

Imagine your kids finding out and learning that marriage is not based on the idea that a man can do whatever he wants?

That it involves boundaries and respect - that we have divorce laws so that women don't have to be treated like shit.

You can separate from your husband without telling your children the exact reason until they're out of education.

Take it from someone who knows. You are putting yourself through misery when out in the big world there are men who will love you. He doesn’t love you. He’s afraid of people finding out, and you, like I did, are enabling him. Start by being brave and telling your families. My marriage was 22 years in, and I didn’t want people to think badly of him.
My 2nd marriage showed me what real love and a real marriage really is.