Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

I am absolutely staggered that you would waste your one shot on this Earth, sticking with a man like this.

Hi Op, I was where you are now 40 years ago. I stayed - it has been very difficult, that wasn’t the end of it and there have been others. I was too focussed on preserving my family unit to feel strong enough to place boundaries and mean them absolutely. That saying that it’s only at the edge that people change was true for me. Once I said ‘go then’ I’ll be fine and deserve more and he could see I meant it, he changed. It feels counter intuitive to say if you want to be elsewhere go, only stay if you’re prepared to be 100% in. Counselling won’t help and I suspect that will stop once he thinks you’ve ’settled down’ again. We are happy together now - overall I’m glad we’re together, we have a lovely life with adult children and grandchildren but I wish that I had been stronger about what I wanted years ago and expect and made it clear that being in this relationship is a choice I make every day. He needs to respect you and see you as a person who has a choice and that you’re prepared to make the choice that’s right for you. Don’t be me - I would be heartbroken for my daughter if she made the same choices as me for my ‘one precious life’. Be more objective and ‘take it or leave it’ and you may get the relationship you want - but then you may truly feel you deserve better anyway. Good luck whatever you decide .

Oh I feel so sorry for him, people will judge him and share their opinions on the fact he’s fucking someone else when he’s married with 2 kids.

Good! He’s a cunt. People deserve to know who they’ve got in their lives.

Wake up and realise it’s over. You heard him say he loves someone else. Find your self respect.

This one needs to go in the bin and you need to get your ducks in a row

They all pull this shit.

He cheated - for a year…and then CONTINUED TO LIE TO YOU.

Put yourself and your kids first, because all he’s going to do is continue to put himself first.

OP, please find yourself a good counsellor who will help you to see your own worth, including in relation to your husband. That way you will be able to work through all the conflicting emotions that you are experiencing currently and see a way forward into a new, fulfilling stage of your life whether that is with your husband or without him.

OP, my heart breaks for you as the same (more or less) happened to me. And the sad truth is, no matter how much you're willing to work on things, it's pointless if he's not. So this is not really a question of 'can a marriage recover'. This is so, so hard. But your real job now is detachment, looking after your interests and those of your kids because believe me, you have an enemy in the camp and one who will see your assets and your money as well as your husband as hers. Do not talk to him about anything, do not try to persuade him to stay. See the best family solicitor in the area as soon as possible, ideally tomorrow. They all give free half-hour consultations and getting proactive on the divorce is your best plan.

Op, have some individual counselling so you have an outlet for all this, and see a solicitor so you have an idea what a divorce settlement would look like, even if you don't plan to go ahead with it. Bear in mind, he might be waiting for your youngest to turn 18, so he's not liable for child maintenance. You need to start putting yourself first.

"but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit"

Stopped reading after this part. YOU wouldn't be ruining anything, your DH did when he laid up with another woman other than their mum for over a year. He wasn't thinking of them or you during it, he was thinking of himself. I could never forgive my husband if this happened. It goes against everything you promise each other when you say your vows.

It isn't the first time he has done it. He had an affair, with the same woman, in 2025.

He caused you hurt and pain then. You decided to try move past it.

Now a year later, he has done the exact same thing. An affair (all be it with the same woman)

Putting you through pain and hurt again.

You said you don't want to throw away so many years of marriage. But why are you willing to throw away so many years of future happiness?

For what it’s worth, I think you are being too nice here. You must be in such a painful turmoil.
He had an affair with another woman, said it was done and over but it just carried on until his works caught them out. Oh I am sure it’s ‘over’ now. Right up until one of them, probably her by the sound of your husband saying getting a new job is out of the question, gets a new job. Then the whole affair will reignite. I would put a month’s salary on it.
Also, he told you that she wouldn’t let him finish the affair? Really. He is putting all the blame on the OW as to why he is too spineless to finish things.
He wants his cake and to eat it. With icing on, and probably a cherry on top. Maybe ice cream on the side too.
He is living all cushy now, saying he loves you and trying to manipulate your feelings so he can carry on. I implore you to get him out of your life. I think he will rekindle the affair as soon as he can.
Wishing nothing but the best in life.

The usual BS coming from a man who has been lying and cheating for a long time. He won't respect you for staying with him but if you do some relationship couples counsellig with Relate organisation together it may help

He hasn't experienced a connection like the one he has with her? I'm sorry but you're the cook, cleaner and babysitter. He will keep you because you make his life easier.

Christ on a bike - not the old "mental health is not good" trope. Let me tell you this from experience. If he says he has never had a connection like this before with anyone, it will never truly end. He is playing you for a fool and you are only delaying the inevitable ending of this messy marriage.

Op please do not accept this. He was given opportunity to make a go of marriage and has continued the affair. Please have some self worth and respect for yourself. I’d split and be very open as to why. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Sorry but I don’t think either of you can get past this. He’s told you he’s in love with someone else. So if you stay, you are basically saying that it’s ok and he will carry on his affair. His affair won’t end, there’s no need if you sanction it in this way. I know someone whose husband had an affair on and off with the same woman for 20 years! He just didn’t want to leave the marriage because he wanted best of both worlds. And because his wife believed his BS about it not happening again, he found it was easy to just continue his double life. Of course he doesn’t want to end the marriage. He doesn’t want the embarrassment and the inconvenience and the chance his kids will hate him. Not sure why you are protecting him for all this, you almost seem sympathetic towards him! I know it’s hard to face up to reality but I think if you stay it will eat away at you and you will never really be sure if he’s ended it or not. Sorry I his is happening it must be so hard, but please don’t put yourself at the bottom of the pile to save everyone else, and to save face. Good luck x

This is a specifically hurtful thing to say to you - I wonder why he felt the need to tell you that? Perhaps he so stupid to not realise that the ‘connection’ isn’t real - you’re both showing your best shiniest self and agreeability - the connection has never been tested by real life.

Tell someone.
Not being able to speak about it means its remains your burden to shoulder.

Keeping it between the three of you means you are unsupported and there isn't anyone you love telling you face to face that you are worth so much more.

I guarantee he's sought support from her.

Staying with someone that loves someone else will ruin your life. Your kids and your family wouldn't want that for you.

He is in love with another woman.

I don't know how you get past that.

What the actual fuck? He's in love with someone else but wants to stay with you for the security, stability and probably because of how it would look to other people if you split and they found out why. What about you? You deserve peace and happiness in your own home. Chuck him out and don't waste this one precious life of yours with a selfish manchild who will ruin your self worth if you stay together.

If this was your friend telling you about her husband's affair and that he is still in love with the other woman, what advice would you give your friend? Now apply that to yourself.

Cheated on me with a work colleague. I found out and he swore it was over and begged for us to stay together. We actually split for a while at my instigation but foolishly got back with him. 5 months later he sits me down to tell me she's pregnant. Swore blind it was from the time we were apart, I didn't believe him and split with him permanently. Unless she was an elephant the baby was conceived when we were back together.

Fast forward he was cheating on her when the baby was 18 months whilst also claiming he was only cheating because he wanted me back and it's all my fault. They had a second child five years after the first. He remained with the new affair partner who found out about the second child seven years after they were born. Both women know about each other and he alternates where he stays each week.

We share a child who loves their young siblings ( I also get on well with the younger kids, they're lovely) and also their dad but is horrified by dads behaviour and over sharing the details.

I'm glad I'm out of the shit show. My only regret is not staying split the first time around. As for the mother of his other children .....serves her right. She knew he was with me. She was aware of his incredibly flawed character from the outset and still stayed around.

If someone shows themself to you OP, please believe them. Fool me once shame on you but fool me twice?

He's going to leave you for her once the kids are 18 and you won't be able to get anything off him.

He's outright told you he loves her more than you. What on earth makes you think he's choosing you?

She "didn't take no for an answer" wtaf? She just kept pinning him down and raping him? It was completely non consensual was it? He's still lying to you

Perhaps you should ask your mother about how she really has felt all these years? You say you were brought up to honour marriage vows - do you think that only applies to women and the men can do what they like?

@ThatDeepOcean you also need to remember he only ended it because of his employer. Not because he felt bad or was thinking of you. If I was you, I'd be shaking in rage.