Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

It's rough to call someone a doormat when they're already on their knees. I wouldn't have said it myself.

But I was the witness to my mother's self-sacrifice as a child. He left her when she had a heart attack at 43 (the heart attack was, I suspect, largely in part because of the insane stress my father put her under, along with some genetic antecedents). I was 17 when it all went down. I am nearly 60 now, and I still dwell on it at times.

I very strongly encourage OP to NOT sacrifice herself for her children.

In fact, my mother sacrificed herself only partly for her children. A big part - the biggest part, I suspect - was fear. The biggest fear was financial (and this was a very real and justified fear). But there was also fear of change. Fear that she would be alone forever. Fear that she was unloveable. Fear fear fear.

Op does not face the financial fear. So the others are likely operating.

OP, face your fears. Don't hide behind self-sacrifice "for the children". It's not OK, they won't thank you for it. They want a mother who is there for them, not preoccupied and traumatised by what her H is doing.

Thanks for all of the replies, and those who have shared similar experiences.

I will have a think about telling a trusted friend. I just don’t want to become the object of the local gossip - we live in a small community.

He told the OW that he would never leave me for her, so I don’t know why she carried it on.

I do truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

I do want to see if we can work through this - but appreciate it may be futile. Good to know there are some people who have managed to successfully rebuild after betrayal.

I had finally stopped feeling the urge to ask him about her and their affair every day for that first year. And now I feel like I’m back to square one.

This.

WHY would you stay with him? Where is your self respect?

You deserve so much better.

He’s a liar and he clearly doesn’t care at all about you. Why would you stay?

I’d tell anyone you wanted to. You need support. You not telling anyone only benefits him, not you.

Tell your family, tell his.

He told the OW that he would never leave me for her, so I don’t know why she carried it on.

I do truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it

OP, this is what he's telling you happened - you have no idea what actually did. One thing you do know however that your husband lies to you easily, he has been doing it every single day for years.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking it was all her, that she made him do it. No woman can force any man to be in a relationship with her.

@ThatDeepOcean she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

Oh the poor, poor angel, of COURSE he couldn't stop the affair(s) in that case.

No he chose to be with her, then chose to keep going back to her and keep having sex with both of you, whilst lieing and playing the victim.
She is not the problem or some evil woman with a magical vagina that kept drawing him back. He's just a cheating scumbag who wanted two women at the same time and that wont change because its who he is and no this isn't the 1st time its just the 1st time you're found out or 2nd time with the same woman really.

You have a choice to make stay with him knowing that he will have another mistress by Christmas and that you will never be enough for him or leave and find a decent man who only wants 1 woman in his life.
Remember that he was happy to keep putting your family at risk along eith your health and his job just because he wanted to have sex with two women at the same time.
Have you had a std test yet?

You do what you feel is right for you. Just ignore everyone other than a professional counsellor, they've all got their own opinions but it's YOUR marriage, YOUR husband and ultimately YOUR choice.

A professional counsellor has no side to take, no axe to grind and will give you both impartial advice and listen to both sides and help you understand how to move forwards.

Do you not think your husband has free will? A mind of his own? He chose to stay with her. He chose to continue the affair. He chose to keep lying to you, every single day.

Loves the AP but wants to stay in the marriage for his own comfort and convenience.

She is not some temptress that held power over him, he remained with her because he chose to.

He probably genuinely doesn’t want to leave you, but I’d bet he doesn’t want to end it with her either. With you both knowing about each other and neither one of you willing to end it, he ends up with you both which is what he wants.

You’ve forgiven him once and now twice, he knows you’re going nowhere so he doesn’t need to change.

If you choose to remain married then I think you need to accept that another woman (either this one or another) is likely to be present in your marriage too.

"she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy."

She is not the one who has done this. It's not great behavior but she isn't some kind of evil temptress that your husband simply can't say no to. Your husband has done this to you and your marriage. He's the one who made vows to you. He's the one with a responsibility to you. He is the one who let you and your family down. You don't want your children to hate their father? He has done a hateful thing, sadly. It's not for you to carry that and you can't undo it.

"He wanted to keep everyone happy". Come on, OP. Are you, his wife, happy right now?

Enough people have told you plainly though. Sadly I think you're just looking for the few replies suggesting that your marriage will recover from his betrayal.

He told the OW that he would never leave me for her, so I don’t know why she carried it on.

I imagine for much the same reasons you're considering carrying it on after he's told you he'll never leave her for you. Besides, she can't carry anything on without his participation.

she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

She didn't throw a butterfly net over him. He made his choices and he's married to you, she isn't. As for wanting to keep everyone happy, that's laughable - the only person whose happiness he cares about is his own. He's making both of you miserable. Does he seem to care?

I am so sorry this is happened to you, please don’t believe his word salad he’s stringing you along. He’s lied and lied and lied again. Each time cheats cheat they have to tell you a lie. You have tried to hold it together for the family and your kids, but actually what it teaches the kids in the long-term is it’s okay to accept being lied and cheated on. I’ve been here myself. I took my ex back when he cheated he promised it was a one off that he would never see her again and that he got tempted and she just wound him in his Web et cetera et cetera. It was all bullshit. I found out that he cheated for 25 years . In your position, I would play it cool I would be checking your bank account sorting out what you can do to move forward to protect yourself because I guarantee you but if he’s lying about who is sleeping with he’s lying about what he spending.. My ex Wen he behaved so strangely for months and months possibly years kept saying oh it was his mental health he was depressed he was having huge issues over his mortality et cetera et cetera meanwhile he was sleeping with three different women. One of which is he has married now.
And he has destroyed my relationship with our daughter by lying and manipulating. I know you believe what he’s saying and I know that you want to protect your kids but honestly, you need to put yourself first and get your ducks in a row and get rid the longer you protracted the more damage to you and your kids.
I really believed my ex when he said he loved me and he was sorry and he wished he’d never done it Etc but cheats cheat and lie

OP, why are you more concerning with his head not being on a good place that your head not being in a good place ?
I've tried hard to see anything good about how he has treated you but can't find anything.
Please put you first, then the children and leave him to her.

He told the OW that he would never leave me for her, so I don’t know why she carried it on.
I do truly believe his head isn’t in a good place - she’s destroyed him in my eyes by tempting him back every time he tried to end it. He says he just wanted to keep everyone happy.

He had a long term sexual affair with her because he loves her. He told you so. I think that might be the one honest thing he's told you in this mess. This affair is on him and the many, many choices he has made over the last two years to be with her.

He's lied to you countless times for at least two years and is likely lying to you now to prevent the financial hit of divorce with minor children involved.

You may look for the good in everyone but you're blinding yourself as to your husband's true character.

He says he loves her and has a connection with her he's never felt with anyone else. Then why didn't he end his marriage to be with her? I would bet the answer's financial.

He supposedly ended his affair once and you found out his affair was still ongoing. So he lied to you about it with the intention of continuing his affair. He told you because it came out at work and he was afraid you would find out.

You can't count on him to stay married to you. He's not in it for the long haul. He's only got to keep you married for 3 more years and the the financial impact of divorce will be much less to him, but there will be more impact for you.

What changes has he made other than his counseling sessions? Is he open with you about where he is, transparent with his phone? Has he changed his job where he no longer is in any contact with his affair partner? What progress has he shown in counseling?

Are you working and financially able to support yourself and your children? Because you can't trust this guy to stick around.

His mental health is a product of his own actions.

Oh no, what a shame. That poor man being tempted back by that awful strumpet. You must pat his head and say 'there there' it'll be okay, I won't let that nasty hussy near you again. It's all just a terrible mistake.

Or you could divorce the cheating, lying bastard because you are worth more than that.

I truly don’t think his motivations for staying with me are financial. He is primarily concerned with hurting our children and wider family, being judged by and losing friends and family.

He is transparent with his phone and his location - no longer blocking the OW or deleting messages. He has had to have work-related contact with her in recent weeks but not in person. He has been open with me about this. It is mainly phone calls so I realise I do not actually know what they talk about. But I have to trust that he’s telling me the truth if I’m going to try to make this work.

I do hear the resounding common reply on this thread - that I’m a fool for even considering staying with him. I just don’t want to lose our current family set up - the thought terrifies me.

I was sure after I found out the first time that if he did it again I’d get rid - and yet here I am, still with him, still wanting to believe he can change, that he means it this time.

I don't really see how you can rebuild after prtracted betrayal, followed by repeat betrayal- he is not trying to keep everyone happy he was keeping himself happy, I could never stay with such a weak man- how could you trust him to support you when he has made such self serving decisions?

This. No one had thought of that when I was a kid, but it’s here now. My poor mental health … bollocks to that. He’s a liar and a cheat.

You will never be able to trust him. Never. My friend left her DH when he admitted he wanted both of them because she said she realised it was destroying her peace of mind which would in turn have destroyed her health. You will become ill and broken if you stay with this vile man.

I have to trust that he’s telling me the truth, Oh, OP. You already know you can't trust him as far as you could throw him.

Shouldn’t his primary concern be you, the woman he married?

I truly don’t think his motivations for staying with me are financial. He is primarily concerned with our children and wider family finding out that he is a lying cheating shit and being judged by and losing friends and family.

Fixed it for you.

If he was bothered about not hurting them then he wouldnt have done it at all and he did, so really all he cares about his reputation and what people think of him.

It’s fine to want to stick it out. It’s your life and your decision , you have your reasons but please make sure you look after yourself, open some new doors onto activities you like or whatever. Treat yourself, be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to regain confidence in yourself. You can count on you.