Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

He betrayed you not once but twice, and now he’s trapped you in a cage of responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and expects you to provide emotional support for his heartbreak over another woman. That isn’t a man who cares about you or will ever be able to put you first. Don’t throw the rest of your life away on him.

You lost me when you said he told you he was in love with her and had a connection.
What on earth did he get out of telling you that? He could have worked at your marriage and kept that to himself. When is he going to fall out love with her then?
This will go on for years and years if you let it.
You deserve so much better.

As others have stated - you definitely deserve better than him! Get rid of him now whilst you are still young enough to make a new life for yourself and your kids.
Do you seriously want to stay with a man who has been dipping his wick elsewhere and still coming home to have sex with you? Once a liar and cheater, he will not change and discard him so he can go off with his preferred piece of fluff.

Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong, except perhaps be too trusting of your lying cheating other half.

No, she's acting like someone who is traumatised from a huge betrayal, and has been conditioned to put her own needs last.

You wrote "He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her".

This alone would make me divorce the cheating twat.
Get rid, tell everyone you know what he's been doing, I mean everyone, why should you keep his dirty little secret life.
This is all on him. Remember life is too short to put up with man crap. 💐

Yeah he’s setting op up to play the “Pick me” game.

Becuase you have to ask yourself WHY would he tell you he loved her if he wants to say with you?

Ok it could be because he is thick. But more likely he knows he will get caught with her again in future and wants to play the “oh but I told you I loved her way wah poor me I couldn’t help it” game.

He intends to yo-yo.

Please have some self respect and get rid. He’s admitted he’s in love with someone else. Why on earth would you stay married?!

Honestly op this guy wouldn’t know what love was if it buggered him up the ass.

Look, he has almost certainly looked into divorce and has realised how much it will cost him if he leaves now. It will not only cost him half the house, half your liquid assets AND half of his pension, but also CM which if he is a decent earner could be a lot.

If he waits until the youngest is 18 he can dodge at least the last bit.

I am sorry to say that he will almost certainly leave at some point, so it might be better to tear the plaster off now yourself than have the Sword of Damocles hanging over you for who knows how long.

I dont get this either. I can understand having to stay together for a while to sort practical things out, but I couldnt imagine wanting to stay with someone who had sat me down and said "I love someone else and I have a connection with her that I have never had with you".

I can't get my head around that.

This marriage will never be the same again no matter how much you’d like it to be, you will never forget this deception, ever!
You either accept that or you don’t!
What would you advise your best friend/daughter/sister/niece to do?

Please leave him.

He’s selfish and deceitful.

Value your self worth and loyalty… he doesn’t deserve it.

I’m so sorry OP 💐

I agree, it's not cruel. My own mother now describes herself as a doormat for putting up with the shit my father piled on all of us for 20 years.

Unfortunately my mother also had her religion telling her that she had to stay married to my father. Her religion, and her marriage, were more important to her than the childhood of her 3 children.

Both myself and my older brother have been very low contact with my mother - and complete no contact with my father - for 37 years.

That's another thing the OP would be wise to consider now....the children will realise what their father is like (at their ages, probably already do, I know I did at the same age), and if she stays, they will blame her as well as him.

Your husband wants to stay with you because you will likely get a bigger share of the house and assets if you are the primary caregiver for your children. When they leave home he will suddenly decide he wants a divorce so that he can shaft you in the financial settlement… at which point he will be with her full time and you will have missed out on years where you could have been happier and maybe even met someone else. It may also be because he can’t bear to lose access to his children or cannot see how he would manage shared care in a 50/50 settlement. Either way he is lying and manipulating you to get what he wants.

In your shoes, I’d insist he leaves and start divorce proceedings immediately. And I’d tell everyone what a lying tosser he is.

So sorry this has happened to you. You sound lovely and you definitely do not deserve it.

If I were you, I'd set it all on fire. Like a previous poster said, tell the world, tell his family, tell yours, tell hers, tell the kids (they're old enough to understand and adapt) take out a radio advert if needed, just let it all out. And then see where life takes you when you're the one in control.

Xx

Sorry I'm late to the conversation.

From a male perspective, please leave this so called man and throw the book at him.
He is not a good husband, and neither is he a good father. A good husband and father should be a good role model to his children, teach them how to grow up respecting people, and how to treat people. He is failing at both.

Please sit your children down when you are comfortable about talking about it with them. They deserve the truth from you as their parent. Otherwise, at some point in their lives they will find out the truth, the truth always emerges, and when it does, they'll be the ones asking questions about why you didn't tell them. They would rather hear it from you than anyone else.

Please swallow your pride, and divorce him. Yes people may gossip for a couple of minutes, but you will carry this burden for a lifetime if you don't.

I know a man (a work colleague) who had an affair and got discovered by his wife who made sure to account for every minute of his life, who worked from home and even had a tracker on his phone so his wife could see what he was doing.
He said it was in the past and did all of these things to make his wife trust uim.
Turns out four years down the line he was still seeing the OW. He would even leave his phone at home with the iPhone tracker on when his wife was away and go to a hotel down the road to meet the other OW.
If someone wants to lie and has shown you who they are time and time again they will always find a way.
I also think that once can be talked through. But twice with the same person for months? Nope.
Find some peace for you.

Be honest OP, you don’t love the real him. What you have in your head is a version of him that is a better person, one you can trust and that’s not who your DH is.

My ex DP struggled with monogamy and whilst overtime I have managed to forgive, I will never be able to forget and that’s why I walked away as soon as I found out about his affair. Please do not devote yourself to someone who is clearly unworthy

He has not shown you any respect through his actions. If you love someone you respect them. He cannot love you and treat you so appallingly - the words and actions do not align. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - I learnt this the hard way myself.

I think he is wants to have the best of both worlds. He wants to keep his family and devoted wife, while also having a mistress on the side.

What are your personal values and boundaries in a relationship? Is he maintaining and respecting those boundaries?

For me, cheating is a boundary that I do not tolerate being crossed. So it is an immediate ending of the relationship. When you know what you value, it helps to know what your boundaries are. In turn, it becomes much easier to deal with disrespectful and/or abusive behaviour because once they cross that line, it's over.

He’s afraid of losing his comfortable home and lifestyle. Not you.

Listen to this OP. Leaving is the harder option - but it will be 100% worth it

Overcome the trauma HE has caused you.

What about YOUR mental health, this man is ruining it and will continue to do so. He has no respect for you, he knows you will still be there and that there are no consequences to his vile actions. He also knows you won’t tell anyone.

kindly, don’t be a mug, you will never trust him again.

please please throw him in the bin!

Exactly this