Can a marriage recover after a long affair and further deceit?

[ThatDeepOcean]

I’m in desperate need of some advice as I’ve chosen not to talk to anyone IRL about this.

In May 2025 I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a work colleague for the past year. It started off emotional but soon turned physical. It turned my world upside down but I decided to stay with him as I love him and I didn't want to ruin our children’ lives or our family unit. We’ve been married 18 years, and our lives, families and friends are hugely intertwined. He was remorseful and, although he continued to work with the other woman, promised me it was over. It was horrendous knowing he was seeing her most days in work but he assured me their contact was purely work related. We kept it between the two of us and I didn’t tell anyone else for fear of their opinions and judgement. The torment in my head has been overwhelming for a majority of that time but I didn’t want to throw away years of marriage.

Fast forward to last month, he sits me down and tells me that the affair carried on and had only ended because their employer found out. He has since moved roles but they still work for the same organisation. Finding another job isn’t an option. I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening. He didn’t end it because he wanted to clearly, although he tells me he tried to end it with her but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

I’m still reeling. I’ve decided not to tell anyone again… but it is destroying me. He has told me he loves her and never experienced a connection like the one he had with her, but wants to be with me and remain in our marriage m. I’m willing to stay and work through it but I’m terrified I’ll never be able to get over it and stop picturing them together. At the moment I can’t trust him at all. He lied to my face for over a year after I thought it had ended.

Anyone been through something similar or have any advice? Is there a way to work through this?

I have close family experience of this happening and the saddest thing was that the marriage did end by him leaving her for someone else when they were in their 70s. So the family member died not soon after of a broken heart. Man all happy with the new wife.

Think about yourself first, not 'we' as a couple, but you as a person who deserves trust, respect, faithfulness and honesty.

If you stay you stay with the knowledge that you will never truly trust him or be happy ever again. If you can live with that because it outweighs everything else then fine, but not many would.

Sadly it’s 99% likely he is still with her. He loves her. They will never stop ( been there myself ) you need to either let it happen or split. I think you will probably stay, as it’s easier

my partner cheated on me 9 yrs ago with a woman he met at volunteer role.
when It all came to a head (I found out. I had an idea by his lies) but what floored me was when he finally admitted it had gone on for 2yrs.
All that time, the lies , the living 2 lives

we’re both in our 70’s now and you know what
I STILL don’t trust him, I still go through the f… lies he told me .
I was a lot older than you and stupidly for one reason and mainly housing
I stayed
but I so so wished I’d off gone, I don’t love him
I have my own life, the thought of doing things on my own frightened me but now I don’t care , I’m out there- why because it’s much better than being with him .

please don’t stay - it will eat you up. The lies, the sex, how they are together, what they did together. Has he told her all about you,
It will build on your anxiety because deep down you will NOT trust him again. He will be late, or say he’s going somewhere- and the thoughts will escalate. The that’s when the argument’s start

please believe me - I only wished I’d of been that but younger

He doesn't respect you and if you stay with him, you don't respect yourself.

Why are you so afraid to leave him? I'm sorry, but you need a little more self-respect. You are a grown adult and you should not be afraid to be an unmarried woman.

Also, he doesn't respect you. And he likely even respects you less by standing by him after this. I mean, he told you he did not end things with her out of his own volition!

You should absolutely not remain with him. He will likely continue to carry on with her. He has made his feelings very, very clear to you. Many men enjoy the comforts of marriage and a wife. I mean, think of all you probably do for him! You take care of his kids, maybe cook him dinners, manage the house, etc. But he has clearly stated that he has never felt for anyone as he does for this woman.

Oh dear. He is with you for convenience and with her for love. When you are no longer convenient (when the children are a little bit older), he will leave you.

Ive been through an affair and we split. Tried to get back together for one day and night and I knew I couldnt trust him and we split for good. Its not easy but with money from him and a job you WILL survive. Just rip the plaster off darling girl xx

I add that my and my kids had a poorer life, but a really much richer life in the bigger picture

But it's not. It's the second time. Because he told you it was over, and you continued with your marriage on that basis. Please rediscover anger alongside your own self worth. He's manipulated you. Of course his MH is shot, his cover has been blown. I heartily recommend Chump Lady blog.

Having been through this utter shite, I can tell you you’re flogging a dead horse here. He’s betrayed you, he’s had sex with another woman, he’s lived a double life. He has also said he loves her. It isn’t over and it won’t be over. You will never be able to trust him again and at some point he will leave. I am sorry to be so horribly blunt but the best thing you can do right now is seek legal advice about where a divorce would leave you. You’re worth so much more than this. What a weak man, a terrible husband and father. Protect yourself and leave him to fuck up his own life. I promise you that whatever you feel now will go and your life will be infinitely better without a cheating arsehole in it 💐

Why though? They are 15 and 16, there is no need to lie to them.

Plus that would mean he could make out it’s her fault somehow. And he would, make no mistake.

“Kids, your dad cheated so he’s out on his arse”. It’s a good learning experience for them. Shows them we do not keep liars and cheats as partners.

What a bloody nasty thing to say. Unless you’ve been through this sort of life altering trauma, your words are utterly cruel.

2 years!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile he got all HIS ducks in a row didn't he. What a prick.
@ThatDeepOcean take heed of this tale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And please tell someone, dont keep his dirty little secret

Get some self respect and dump him and tell everyone why.

I won’t write exactly what I think as it’s unbelievably harsh towards him.

My friend pretty much had a total breakdown when this happened to her 4 years ago, I’m pleased to report she is doing well now

How is that cruel?! He effectively cheated twice, as well as tell her she's the love of his life, and yet she's thinking she'll stay with him. Isn't she acting like a doormat?

I mean maybe I have main character syndrome but I like to think I’m the heroine of my own story and would a heroine ever stay with some loser ass dusty that’s been cheating for literal years? Fuck no.

Be the heroine of your own story and kick this scrotegoblin into the bushes.

Of course you're fearful for the future, if he's all you've ever known!

Unfortunately, though, you can't get away from the obvious truth
I feel like if his employer hadn’t found out it would still be happening.

It feels scary at the moment, but work on finding your own feet. You can learn to give yourself the emotional stability and care that he not only can't deliver, but is constantly undermining. One day you'll look back and wonder what you saw in him, I promise.

Also -

why is he telling you now?

Is something else going to come out, and that’s why he’s telling you first? That’s what I’d wonder.

What hasn’t he told you?

Ok his works changed his department? So?
Is it across the country so he couldn’t fib about choosing it? If not then…

Somethings amiss. Somethings being hidden.

If he loves her then I'm not sure why you would want to stay. But if you are really sure that you do, I think you can possibly make it work. It might be best to have therapy together. You may forgive him in time. The difficult part will be forgetting..When he is at work or wherever you think they used to meet..It will take you a long time ( assuming you do actually reach the point ), where it isn't at the back of your mind when he is not with you.

I wish you all the best..x

When trust has gone it is over. How could you ever trust him again. It is over.

@ThatDeepOcean
There's a I think its French saying that goes something like this:-
"Sometimes the chains
Of marriage are so heavy
It requires 3 to carry them"
So you just keep on being the packhorse/donkey/doormat with those chains tied to your back in your so-called marriage which he checked out of a long time ago
No matter how much effort you put in he simply doesn't love or respect you
Remember
The affair only "ended" because WORK FOUND OUT and you weren't even thought of were you?
Have some dignity and leave him
What example are you setting to your children?
Who have probably sensed how "off" things are anyway
You deserve better

@Bogliasco
As the saying goes;-
How you got him is how he'll leave you.......

How is putting yourself through this good for your children? It's categorically not good for you, so I don't see how it can be helping your children.
You did not throw away years of marriage your husband did then crapped all over it by continuing the affair while torturing you.
You will not begin to heal or get over it until you dump that worthless piece of rubbish pretending to be a husband.
Talk to a good divorce lawyer, soonest.